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AIBU?

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Original poster

Re child maintenance payments

158 replies

Blankscreen · 20/01/2018 21:04

DSS is 13. Dh and I have been together for 10 years and during that time dss mother has been very difficult over access and just being generally obstructive. Never allowing more than 2 nights a weeks due to maintenance payments decreasing. We currently pay £700 a month for DSS and have him 2 nights a week.

Anyway long story short DSS has said that he wants to live with us. She's refused and it has gone to court and has been granted.

DSS mother now needs to pay us maintenance. Here's the thing she has asked if we can let her off as she can't afford it.

Dh was willing to agree to a family arrangement.
Aibu to say no way and pursue her through CMS.

It works out about £300 a month she needs to pay.

Dh has always paid maintenance never once missed it, ever.

Wtf.

OP posts:
Enidthecat · 21/01/2018 11:52

On MN they dont get let off. A lot get away with it in real life though

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 21/01/2018 13:01

Oh really

Yes no expectation of how to spend but the bloody decent thing to do. Mum on a decent salary of her own. No other kids. Clearly not struggling. Uni or not why would she not save some of the money for the child if it is not causing her hardship. Where is her contribution???
IF she is also paying towards the child's upkeep that is a lot of money so why would she not save something. She is hardly on the breadline.

Sometimes there is an area between 'what the law says you have to do' and 'what is the decent thing to do'.

Saving some money for child would have been decent. But who gives a toss about that eh when she could just spend it?

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 21/01/2018 13:06

Winosayrays
My apologues, just noticing my 1048 comment may have confused you. I was agreeing with your post and then adding another comment.

Winosaurus · 21/01/2018 13:34

Tierry no worries 😂 I was a bit confused! Xx

pullingmyhairout1 · 21/01/2018 19:00

Some very harsh judgements on this post of the nrp. We have NO idea of her financial circumstances. Yes she does have to pay maintenance now but she will probably have to tighten her financial belt substantially. Ffs Child Support is there to cover all expenses related to the child including a proportion of housing costs. All NRPs should pay it, but this is not a run of the mill situation and the new NRP might have to re evaluate their financial situation which may not be a 5 minute job.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2018 19:31

We know roughly how much she’s earning as CMS amounts are a percentage of income, as I’m sure you know.

We also know she fought DSS choice to move to his dad’s and knew a change of residence was on the cards.

Whatever her situation, she’ll still get to keep 85% of her income. And her kid still needs feeding and clothing.

Viviennemary · 21/01/2018 19:34

By rights she should pay. But if you are much better of than she is it would be kind to take this into consideration if she is going to be genuinely hard up. If not she should pay up.

ivykaty44 · 21/01/2018 19:35

Pullingmyhairout- this is no different from any other NRP handing over 15% if there pay

MaisyPops · 21/01/2018 19:48

Yes she does have to pay maintenance now but she will probably have to tighten her financial belt substantially.
And? She also isn't paying for a chils living with her.

It might do her some good to live on her own salary instead of being a dick with access in order to keep her meal ticket. It sounds very much like the ex was a pain in the backside about access and has been quite happy to soend spend spend. Now she doesn't like not having her lifestyle subsidised

Enidthecat · 21/01/2018 20:01

Some very harsh judgements on this post of the nrp. We have NO idea of her financial circumstances. Yes she does have to pay maintenance now but she will probably have to tighten her financial belt substantially. Ffs Child Support is there to cover all expenses related to the child including a proportion of housing costs. All NRPs should pay it, but this is not a run of the mill situation and the new NRP might have to re evaluate their financial situation which may not be a 5 minute job

So basically, what you're saying is, she's in exactly the same position as any man (or woman) would be after a split. After all mostly men do the moving out and becoming the nrp. They have to find somewhere else to live sort their finances job etc and find money for maintenance as well as a set of everything for their child in their home.

Why is this woman any different? Or does everyone deserve a 6 month grave period in which to stop any responsibility towards their child while they sort their shit out? Or jusy women?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 21/01/2018 20:05

@pullingmyhairout1 how is this 'not a run of the mill situation'? She's a NRP who will need to pay child maintenance. The end. What's your issue? Would you be so adult centred if she was a he?

Tistheseason17 · 21/01/2018 20:14

Omg. Seriously...
Of course she has to pay for her child's upkeep. Just as his DD was.
The rules apply both ways.

ronniescue · 21/01/2018 20:15

So basically, what you're saying is, she's in exactly the same position as any man (or woman) would be after a split.

I think this is KEY. They are not after a split. The DF has just fought and taken custody from the DM. If it were a straightforward split I would totally agree she should be paying immediately, but this woman has just lost custody of her son. I can't even imagine how heartbroken she must be feeling, only for the boot to be stuck firmly in with demands for cash.

Enidthecat · 21/01/2018 20:17

So when men leave or get kicked out it's not the same? Going from living with their children to seeing them what once every week? Once every two weeks?

Why is it ANY different?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2018 20:17

Her son chose not to live with her any longer. The court agreed. No one “stole custody”. Don’t be daft.

Enidthecat · 21/01/2018 20:19

You know what if I'd lost custody of my child id be doing my absolute best to parent because I'd be wondering what exactly went wrong. I wouldn't be trying to get out of paying for my child no matter how skint I was.

whirlygirly · 21/01/2018 20:22

What cheesey said upthread.

If I suddenly lost maintenance and had to pay it instead, I'd need to sell my home to downsize and increase hours at work to stay afloat. That wouldn't happen instantly, much as I'd like it to.

BitchQueen90 · 21/01/2018 20:25

Nobody has taken custody. The DSS said he wanted to live with his father, he is old enough now to make that decision himself and obviously the court agreed. It's not as if he's been dragged kicking and screaming away from his mother because the father is being spiteful. He wants to live with his dad.

MaisyPops · 21/01/2018 20:28

ronniescue
So an arrangement is made whereby she pays what the CHILD is entitled to and if that means phased in then fine (i also think phasing it for dads is also reasonable in some situations too).
However that is to account for the practicalities of her situation not that bevause she is a woman it's going to be hard on her so she can be let off.

This is a woman who was bloody awkward with contact and now her CHILD has decided they want to leave.
Maybe if she'd been reasonable over the years then there wouldn't be bad feeling but you can't be a PITA for years and then exoect everyone else to roll over for you when it suits.

1DAD2KIDS · 21/01/2018 20:39

My ex doesn't pay maintenance for our children. I paid her maintenance for the two months she had the kids after we split. She is not well off and I am fairly well off. So it didn't seem right to screw her of the little money she has for child maint if we didn't need it. I would hope had the shoe been on the other foot she would be the same. I would say do you need money off the kids mum for the kids?

Enidthecat · 21/01/2018 20:41

I would say do you need money off the kids mum for the kids?

And I would say don't your children deserve better? You're not the only parent.

Why is it ok for women to have no financial responsibility toward children that don't live with them? But men are slated if they don't pay even if they're the lower earner or whatever

ronniescue · 21/01/2018 20:55

Nobody has taken custody

Erm yes, the father has.

He wants to live with his dad.

That doesn't mean the mother is elated with what's happened.

I was considering her feelings

Enidthecat · 21/01/2018 20:56

What about considering the child's feelings? Or what the child deserves?

Figgygal · 21/01/2018 20:59

Yup she should pay no question about it

MaisyPops · 21/01/2018 21:00

That doesn't mean the mother is elated with what's happened.
Of course she wasn't happy. She has spend years being awkward about contact whilst happily spending CM money topping up her lifestyle and now she doesn't have her meal ticket.

Consider that the CHILD decided they wanted to move and the courts upheld that.

Sure the mum might not be happy but her parenting responsibilities don't vary based on how happy she is/isn't about the situation.

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