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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ...to be annoyed with MIL's demands as a guest

354 replies

heardashot · 20/01/2018 11:55

The ILs are staying. This morning MIL came in to interfere help with breakfast and declared that FIL would not eat grilled bacon, it had to be fried. All my bacon was under the grill. I had to fish some out and fry it.

Next, cups of tea. MIL makes tea by putting a teabag in milk (ewwwww) and then adding hot water. I must admit that I never do this unless she is stood over me and she has never complained, so I doubt she can even tell the difference. But if she spots me, she tells me how to make her tea.

I was brought up to say thank you if someone gives you a present or something to eat or drink, and never complain about it. If you are out and paying for food and there is something wrong, then have a word yes.

I get buying something that your guests like and you don't have in, FIL likes white bread for example so I got some, but aibu to think that when someone offers you a bacon sandwich or cup of tea, that beyond "no sugar thanks" it is rude for you instruct them how to prepare it? Is is really that difficult to eat a grilled bacon sandwich rather than a fried one?

(They have never ever in my presence complained about a cup of tea when we have been out somewhere.)

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 20/01/2018 14:36

The answer to the bacon should have been “ oh dear that’s a shame it’s the last of the bacon. Perhaps he would like toast or cereal instead I’ll ask him?”
“Fil so sorry I’m grilling the bacon and Mil says you won’t eat it so would you like toast or cereal instead?”
Bluff well and truly called.
The tea - meh

Sarahjconnor · 20/01/2018 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenTulips · 20/01/2018 14:37

Oh dear!

DH likes cold roast with lots of butter
I like it very brown with butter straight away
DD likes almost dry bread toast ... the list is endless....

I don't eat DHs toast and wintnlet him make it .... I would stand over him demanding he does it X way ... it would end in divorce

BertrandRussell · 20/01/2018 14:38

“A little milk and no sugar and please could you put the milk in before the water”

My brother says “no milk and no sugar and please can you take the bag out as soon as you’ve put the water in”

I genuinely can’t see the problem!

BertrandRussell · 20/01/2018 14:40

Apart from the fact that both cups of tea would be disgusting, obviously.

My mum always asked for one of the porcelain mugs rather than earthenware- is that rude too?

Eggzandbacon · 20/01/2018 14:41

My MIL once bought us a serving spoon that was the same as one she had.

I failed to use it when serving up a takeaway and apparently 'had ruined it' by not using it.

I would get the same grief - it was because I was meant to want to do everything the same way as her.
I never did through Grin (I wasn't popular)

Original poster
heardashot · 20/01/2018 14:46

OMG how can I do toast wrong? Overtoasted? Not toasted enough? I only have butter not margarine but I did get a row of those tiny little pots of jam and honey and marmalade from the farm shop because I HATE having sticky jam pots in the cupboard and we don't use it. Or perhaps they'll only eat homemade jam? Or expect me to put the toppings on and put the jam before the butter?

Thank goodness we are not having scones!

OP posts:
NewYearNiki · 20/01/2018 14:47

What age is she?

Older people can be a bit set in their ways.

MeadowHay · 20/01/2018 14:48

I find that I always agree with Bertrand on these threads.

The tea thing, I think YABU. I think it's different if you went out somewhere - if I went somewhere and didn't like the tea, I wouldn't go back again (or I would ask them to fix it - e.g. I've asked for another tea bag before if I've gone somewhere and it's been super weak). If you're staying with relatives presumably you're going to be with them lots of times, and I think family should be close enough to be able to be honest about their likes and dislikes and be accommodating whenever that's reasonable. I don't think it really puts anyone out to put the milk in first in one or two people's mugs of tea, so I think that's part of being a good host if that's how someone likes their tea, and wouldn't bother me at all. I would rather do that, which takes no longer than putting the milk in last, than have a guest not like their tea, for example.

The bacon thing is a bit different as I don't really agree with essentially being asked to provide a separate meal for one person, but nor do I think it's a huge issue as it's only grilling over frying, however in this instance I would probably have said like some other PPs have said "oh, well I'll try and remember for next time as I've already pretty much done this now" - and I think FIL couldn't care less as he didn't raise it with you himself anyway. I would probably have asked FIL directly about it afterwards to find out whether it's a real 'thing' or just MIL being odd.

I agree with PPs that you're only annoyed because you don't like them for whatever other reasons, and that you wouldn't be if it was a different close family member or friend. I think you need to lighten up a bit and not get so annoyed about such tiny things.

Original poster
heardashot · 20/01/2018 14:48

BertrandRussell MIL does the porcelain mug thing too. The point is, if she were somewhere where they served tea in paper cups or earthenware mugs, she does not complain. I've never heard her in all the times we've been out. But she'll do it in my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
heardashot · 20/01/2018 14:49

NewYearNiki 60s. Don't know exactly.

OP posts:
MonumentalAlabaster · 20/01/2018 14:52

MIL makes tea by putting a teabag in milk and then adding hot water

Sorry I can't get past this because she doesn't seem to understand the most basic principles of tea-making....

BertrandRussell · 20/01/2018 14:53

“BertrandRussell MIL does the porcelain mug thing too. The point is, if she were somewhere where they served tea in paper cups or earthenware mugs, she does not complain. I've never heard her in all the times we've been out. But she'll do it in my house.”

Because there’s a choice! My mum didn’t complain when she was in a cafe either. But in a house with both sorts of mug, why not have the type you like? Some people like big chunky mugs, some people like thin ones.

Original poster
heardashot · 20/01/2018 14:55

MonumentalAlabaster I'm not even bothered that she makes tea like that. I'm bothered that she tells me to do it that way in my own home. That I have offered her a drink and get told how to do it in my own kitchen. I still think it is rude!

OP posts:
redfairy · 20/01/2018 14:57

I think you are being touchy. MIL is family not a guest and should be able to request her preferred way of doing things; it might not be your way but what's the hassle?
Personally I would have asked how people want their bacon cooking. As for the cup of tea, well we all do it differently. I think YABU to think your in-laws should be silent and grateful.

HuskyMcClusky · 20/01/2018 15:02

I don’t understand your insistence that she should act the same way in her son’s home as in a cafe, or it’s ‘rude’. Confused

Nanna50 · 20/01/2018 15:02

Joking apart, there is no reason why your MIL could not have let FIL have the grilled bacon and it would not hurt for you to drink throw down the sink one awful cup of tea.

I think the crux is that we all do things differently and can feel criticised when someone else says that our way is wrong. You do it the way that your mother does which is not the way that MIL does it, neither is wrong to that person.

I think this can be especially prevalent in the MIL/ DIL situation and I'm sure there have been thesis written about the dynamics of such relationships.

Go for full on patronisation the next time and say MIL I cant do FIL's breakfast, lunch, dinner, cup of tea as good as you, do you want to do it?

crazychemist · 20/01/2018 15:03

I am definitely going to have a bacon sandwich after reading this thread. Can't get the thought out of my head!

Original poster
heardashot · 20/01/2018 15:05

HuskyMcClusky Then think of it this way, she is more polite in a cafe than she is to me, and she (or usually we) are paying them!

OP posts:
JustHooking · 20/01/2018 15:05

I love the idea of calling his bluff and apologising for having no bacon left
See he he makes do with cereal

Inertia · 20/01/2018 15:06

Oh, Bertha's idea is good!

Original poster
heardashot · 20/01/2018 15:07

Meant to say she is more polite to a stranger in a cafe than she is to me. She will put up and shut up with them.

OP posts:
MonumentalAlabaster · 20/01/2018 15:08

Yes OP I understand your issue is being told what to do in your own house - I used to have the same problem with my step-mother who used to come & stay and make all sorts of comments about the way I did things. I always managed not to say "That's great, you do that at your house and I'll do it the way I want to here in MY home" though the temptation was at time hard to resist. The only time I snapped was when she tried to tell me how to feed my toddler despite never having had a child of her own.

HuskyMcClusky · 20/01/2018 15:08

I think that is where you and she have a fundamental disconnect, though.

You have this idea that she’s being rude and treating you like a slave, blah blah. She just thinks she’s being informal and comfortable in a home setting!

BertrandRussell · 20/01/2018 15:08

“That I have offered her a drink and get told how to do it in my own kitchen. I still think it is rude!”

Is my brother rude when he asks for the bag to be taken out as soon as the water goes in?

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