AIBU ...to be annoyed with MIL's demands as a guest

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The ILs are staying. This morning MIL came in to interfere help with breakfast and declared that FIL would not eat grilled bacon, it had to be fried. All my bacon was under the grill. I had to fish some out and fry it.

Next, cups of tea. MIL makes tea by putting a teabag in milk (ewwwww) and then adding hot water. I must admit that I never do this unless she is stood over me and she has never complained, so I doubt she can even tell the difference. But if she spots me, she tells me how to make her tea.

I was brought up to say thank you if someone gives you a present or something to eat or drink, and never complain about it. If you are out and paying for food and there is something wrong, then have a word yes.

I get buying something that your guests like and you don't have in, FIL likes white bread for example so I got some, but aibu to think that when someone offers you a bacon sandwich or cup of tea, that beyond "no sugar thanks" it is rude for you instruct them how to prepare it? Is is really that difficult to eat a grilled bacon sandwich rather than a fried one?

(They have never ever in my presence complained about a cup of tea when we have been out somewhere.)

YABU about the tea. I think it's fine to say how you like your tea. Mil used to make my tea like your mil does and it was so vile luke warm half a cup of milk and hot water, shown a tea bag which she kept on the side and used all day for everyones tea. As someone who drinks a lot of tea and not much else I had to say that i couldn't drink it like that and wanted a whole teabag to myself, put in the cup without milk and then covered in BOILING water and just a splash of milk.

The bacon i'm a bit meh about grilled bacon is quite dry so i can see why fried is preferable but id tolerate it. The tea is a non negotiable tho. I can't start my day without 2 cups of strong stuff.

They request things the way they like them, because it’s their sons house and not a restaurant, of course they should feel comfortable enough to ask for their food/tea made how they like it (and be accommodated, within reason).

Of course, in general, people ask to have their tea made the way they prefer, it’s mad not to. Why not have a drink you enjoy instead of endure? If you had told your MIL how YOU like YOUR tea made, then you could still drink tea at her house instead of avoiding it.

I’m surprised you don’t know by now that your FIL (allegedly anyway) prefers his bacon fried. Anyway, it really wasn’t a big deal to lift some out of the grill pan and put it in a fry pan. Nor to cut them how he prefers.

You’re making mountains out of molehills, however, it sounds like you really don’t like them and that’s what you need to deal with. My EX in-laws were (both now dead) nasty, pure bloody wicked. I was young, in love with EX & put up with FAR more than I should have, in the name of ‘family/peace/manners’, I sure as hell wouldn’t be having any of their nonsense now. But as I say, they weren’t just a bit bloody irritating, they were full on nasty (to lots of people, but especially all of their sons wives/partners).

Definitely DH’s turn tomorrow morning & I think you’ve earned breakfast in bed!

OP, you definitely had a choice! I bet he would have eaten it, and if he didn't he would have bee not being unreasonable, he's not an infant! It's one thing to express a preference and ask for things a certain way before someone starts cooking, but to send someone else to make a complaint halfway through cooking is ridiculous and I would t comply with it

That is very rude yes but id probs just let it go myself unless it was part of a bigger problem. I think being a CF about tiny things is probs better than being a CF about important stuff. So at that level id just let her get on with it. I do have a line though.... that other thread about the going thru the suitcase and doing washing sent me livid, idve had words about that.
I suppose everyone has different points at which they will not tolerate CFery lol so you are entitled to yours.... and if this it then just go in for the 'talk'

My DM used to get this with her MiL. Whatever she fed them, whatever she suggested, however she made things, there'd be the cats bum mouth and the 'oh no dear, we couldn't eat that - oh no dear, Daddy could never stomach that' - except behind her, FiL would be nodding frantically that yes, please, he'd love that. DM used to have to slip the poor man half his food without MiL seeing.

If I have guests in my house, I’m cooking for them anyway. And I’d rather they tell me their preferences.

This is absolutely true. And if she likes her tea made differently, I’d just do it that way. But the bacon thing, interfering allegedly on behalf of FIL, well that might well annoy me, mainly because I’d be highly suspicious of whether the opinion was indeed that of FIL, or whether MIL just wanted to interfere as she always has to prove she’s better. If he’s so keen on fried bacon, he should ask for himself. Obviously I’m massively stayed by personal experience. Only OP can tell whether this rings a bell.

I recall making sandwiches one day for the family after I’d cooked Christmas dinner for them. My Boxing day sandwiches are big messy affairs, and I include bread and cranberry sauce as well as stuffing, turkey, perhaps a bit of honey-roast parsnip or a bit of sausage. They taste divine, but can, admittedly, be difficult to eat.

FIL had made it clear during Christmas dinner just how much he was enjoying it. DH has also been very appreciative over the years because Christmas dinner at home used to be dry turkey and really not much going for it.

But MIL, witnessing these big delicious well-filled sandwiches looked massively disapproving and insisted on making her own for herself and FIL on the grounds ‘he won’t like your sandwiches’.

I just felt sorry for FIL as I suspect, given my messy sandwich, he probably would have secretly been delighted. Both of them were entwined in an unhealthy obsession with appearances. Occasionally I’d encourage FIL to break free a little. mIL hated it!

The milk going in first is a hangover from the days pre-refrigeration and when the tea is poured from a pot. The protein molecules in milk stop the tea from infusing, this is why milk should only be added at the end if brewing in a cup. It isn’t about doing it right or wrong but about getting the most out of your teabag. We do get more set in our ways as we get older. I’m baffled about the bacon also.

Lost, my mouth actually watered like a beast when I read your sandwich description! Yummmmm.

Fuss about nothing! If this were a blood relative or a friend I doubt you'd even notice.

I have a very dear friend who now lives in France with her DH and 4 DCs. Her tea is absolutely gross, so weak that it's basically hot water with milk (ewwww!). My DH kept offering to make the tea himself, she never understood why and just said, 'No I'll do it.' My DH kept rolling his eyes at me.

But seriously your MIL really doesn't know how to make a proper cuppa. And yes, she's a very rude houseguest.

They really are one of my favourite things about Christmas, Husky!

Yes rude and controlling, sounds just like my MIL. Mine insists on only drinking tea from a tea pot (we use kettle to cup) so she went and bought a tea pot to use when she visits takes over (cluttering up) my cupboard.

Also doesn't approve of the way I iron her sons clothes as I don't use a cloth she left a cloth next to my ironing board for me to use (which I binned).

Just invite her less. Or tell her she's not in her own home and to respect that people do things differently.

I hate people who are rude, fussy and ungrateful about food, so YANBU.

I must say I loathe and fear that method of making tea, though. BUT if anyone made it for me that way I'd still smile politely and drink some of it.

I cannot imagine circumstances where I would not make anyone’s tea the way they like it!

Send her out of the kitchen when cooking? DH always scarpers when I fry eggs

A cloth to put on top of shirts while you iron. That’s odd. I have used a damp cloth for pressing woollen items when dressmaking. But that’s about it.

AnnieAnoniMouse They haven't stayed with us before. We have moved to a bigger place. Up to now they have stayed in hotels or we have visited them or we have met halfway. I have made tea and cooked for them before however, just not bacon.

A preference for fried or grilled or triangles or rectangles is not the problem. I was brought up not to complain if someone gave you something. It's free! Eat it or say no thank you. They've gone out for the day now, they can go and get something to eat if they don't like my food!

That is how I was brought up. I find it rude to start making calls in someone else's house!

I think someone asked a good question: would you mind if your own Mum/sister/brother did that?

I don’t mind family asking to have their quirks accommodated when they’re staying with me. I think it’s nice; it means they’re comfortable in my home.

They didn’t complain, though, did they? It’s not like they sent their breakfast back, they just asked to help make their portion a certain way.

You sound a bit bristly, tbh.

This is one of those threads when i dread being a MIL. I can't see what MIL has done wrong really.

I think the like it or lump it attitude and desperation not to appear rude so much that you would eat or drink something you don't like is really really strange. And it's own way extremely rude and inhospitable.

If i was your Mil i wouldn't be visiting again. You don't sound very welcoming.

All I can think about now is grilled bacon sandwiches on white bread.

Can't remember the last time I had one.

HuskyMcClusky As I've said, my family wouldn't do that in someone's house.

If DH were making my mum a bacon sandwich and fried it (which he wouldn't, but let's pretend) I think she wouldn't say a word. Would just thank him and eat it and, if she didn't like it, remember and say no thank you next time.

I make tea by putting the milk in the cup with the tea bag then pouring water over it. It has never failed to infuse sufficiently, in fact I often have to be quick to make sure it is not too strong and I very much dislike weak tea.

For preference I would have tea made in a pot and the flavour is much better in my opinion.

MrsKoala That would be great! Unfortunately she has already declared when they are coming again.