AIBU ...to be annoyed with MIL's demands as a guest

[heardashot]

The ILs are staying. This morning MIL came in to interfere help with breakfast and declared that FIL would not eat grilled bacon, it had to be fried. All my bacon was under the grill. I had to fish some out and fry it.

Next, cups of tea. MIL makes tea by putting a teabag in milk (ewwwww) and then adding hot water. I must admit that I never do this unless she is stood over me and she has never complained, so I doubt she can even tell the difference. But if she spots me, she tells me how to make her tea.

I was brought up to say thank you if someone gives you a present or something to eat or drink, and never complain about it. If you are out and paying for food and there is something wrong, then have a word yes.

I get buying something that your guests like and you don't have in, FIL likes white bread for example so I got some, but aibu to think that when someone offers you a bacon sandwich or cup of tea, that beyond "no sugar thanks" it is rude for you instruct them how to prepare it? Is is really that difficult to eat a grilled bacon sandwich rather than a fried one?

(They have never ever in my presence complained about a cup of tea when we have been out somewhere.)

SpoonfulOfJam No, no, FRIED bacon with white bread. And cut into rectangles (MIL actually said "squares" but she meant rectangles. I checked!)

afatalflaw Can you tell the difference if it isn't made like hat? Do you ask for it to be made like that when in a cafe or someone else's house?

As a guest I will always ask "do you want/need any help in the kitchen?"

If the answer is no, I steer well clear. I think it's really rude to hover over someone whilst they are cooking, giving instructions.

Okay, but I meant your mum asking you?

My mum and dad often stay with me. If I was making bacon sandwiches for breakfast, I can imagine my mum saying ‘oh, mind if I throw dad’s bacon in the pan? He’s a bit fussy’ .

I suggest that DH makes the tea and bacon sandwiches next time they come, whilst you are upstairs having a nice shower, or relaxing on the bed reading mumsnet posts.

HuskyMcClusky Ah right. I don't think she ever has. But I probably do things the way she did.

I ask if someone is coming whether they want anything in particular. But to me a bacon sandwich is a bacon sandwich.

All this “ my mum wouldn’t say a word “ what about your sister? Brother? Best friend? Would you be cross and huff and puff if they said they want their bacon fried?

Stop being influenced by the MIL bashing on MN and look at this for what it really is. Absolute nonsense.

Close family make for uncomfortable guests.

When my parents come my DF bungs our heating up to an uncomfortable level and turns the TV on to the horse racing.

My DM is very keen for us to have a top sheet on the guest bed as she uses one to save washing the duvet cover after guests (bleugh) and keeps buying us one. She also thinks we need a cloth hanging over the washing machine for some reason I can't remember and spends a lot of time sewing holders for our dish towels.

The thing is your DMIL perhaps thinks its helpful for you to know for future. In the instance of the bacon it might have been good to say something like "OK I'll try to remember for next time, but it's almost done for today". I like my bacon crispy and hate pulling or eating wodges of fat off. If I was visiting a friend once or twice I'd never mention it, but if it was relatives that I was likely to be staying over with often over the years, then I would.

SIL knows that I cannot bear margarine ( or indeed those fake spreadable butter atrocities) and makes sure not to use it when we come.

Agree with Garamedouar - take a step back and let your DH do the meal prep.

I am grateful if someone cooks for me but sometimes my way is better I have been guilty of overstepping that mark in my children's homes I'm sure.

However while gratitude is welcome I also think its good manners to ask how a guest likes something.

My sister puts her own milk in her tea otherwise she stands over me as I put too much in, my DIL makes tea and coffee so horrid that I never accept her offer of a cuppa. I could make one myself a few minutes later if I wanted one.

My brother would need to cook his own fried egg because I don't do it right and an aunty would have to poach her own just the way she likes them.

My MIL cooks liver for my DH, I hate liver and can't cook it that well. She regales everyone in how her son only gets his favourite meal of liver if she does it bless him. It's never entered her head that he could cook it himself.

So my tactic if someone thinks my way is wrong is just to say can you do it, will you make it? It panders to their ego and I don't care if they think I can't do it right, I just can't do it the way they like it and it saves me a job.

Whether this would bother me would depend on context. Is she usually a pain the arse, or is it just the food stuff? Some people are quite inflexible about food, my dad was like that. If she's otherwise OK I'd take it as a sign of how comfortable she feels in your house.

That tea sounds fucking disgusting though. Regarding the teapot, that might be the answer actually. Does she use a teapot at home? That's the ideal of tea making: the milk never contacts the bag, but can still be put into the cup first, which avoids scalding of the milk that happens if you pour it into the tea. Maybe she cares more about scalding the milk than getting a good high temperature infusion of the tea.

Think this might be the most British conversation I've ever heard on Mumsnet

But to me a bacon sandwich is a bacon sandwich. How long have you been on Mn?

But to me a bacon sandwich is a bacon sandwich...ah its never just a bacon sandwich...

fried or grilled, crispy, not crispy, streaky bacon or lean bacon, butter on the bread, dipped in the fat or dry. Bread roll, sliced bread, ketchup, brown sauce, neither or something else...

toomuchtooold No they don't use a teapot at home. It's teabags in mugs and everyone has their own mug and it's all made the same way. milk in in, bag, water on top.

Nanna50 I think I'll do that, just tell her to do it!

It's takeout for dinner. Not going through this again.

I like fried bacon. Fried till it's just crispy. I don't like fatty bacon and I don't like that sweet cured bacon either. I like it in cheap white bread, both sides buttered. I prefer triangles... DH and often have bacon wars so I just make my own. Let MIL cook her and FIL's bacon and let her make the tea the way she likes.

derxa and Nanna50 If people are that fussy about bacon sandwiches, or any food for that matter, then how do they ever eat out? I get that some people will have favourite places to eat because they "make a nice cup of tea" or whatever, but do they tell the cafe owner or whoever how to prepare their food and drink every time?

Starbucks doesn't ask whether you want the milk in first!

She's bonkers to indulge Fil on this way, let alone ask someone else to do it. They'll be gone soon.

Maybe they think one of the nice things about staying with family is that you can have your tea and bacon the way you like it? 🤔

But surely in Starbucks they have a standard way of making things (not that I go there) You either like it or you don't.

Op- if you go to someone else’s house, do you expect to be asked how you like your tea?

derxa Precisely! So surely FIL should either eat my bacon sandwiches in the way I make them, or not. His choice. They are free! Or have toast which was the other and/or cereal which was the other thing offered. I can't think of a way I could make toast not to their liking!

I'm quite fussy about tea etc so none of this would bother me. Also, I like people to enjoy what I make them, it's important to me, so I would try to do it their way where possible. I don't do rudeness though - no need for it.

Yes I think I would have said "shall I take some out for him to fry?" and got on with the grilling. Or just said "that's a shame he can fry his next time ".

I like to make guests feel welcome of course but you're not a cafe.

Also why is MIL the messenger for FIL?

BertrandRussell Yep, and I reply "a little milk and no sugar please".

I know MIL and FIL don't take sugar and have milk, but I check anyway. What I don't do in someone else's house is tell them how to make it and even though I find it horrible, do not say a word if they put milk in first.

I can't think of a way I could make toast not to their liking! Again you've got it all wrong!

blackteasplease MIL is the messenger for everyone in that family plus she thinks cooking and cleaning is women's work. That is an entirely different thread and completely up to her!