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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ...to be annoyed with MIL's demands as a guest

354 replies

heardashot · 20/01/2018 11:55

The ILs are staying. This morning MIL came in to interfere help with breakfast and declared that FIL would not eat grilled bacon, it had to be fried. All my bacon was under the grill. I had to fish some out and fry it.

Next, cups of tea. MIL makes tea by putting a teabag in milk (ewwwww) and then adding hot water. I must admit that I never do this unless she is stood over me and she has never complained, so I doubt she can even tell the difference. But if she spots me, she tells me how to make her tea.

I was brought up to say thank you if someone gives you a present or something to eat or drink, and never complain about it. If you are out and paying for food and there is something wrong, then have a word yes.

I get buying something that your guests like and you don't have in, FIL likes white bread for example so I got some, but aibu to think that when someone offers you a bacon sandwich or cup of tea, that beyond "no sugar thanks" it is rude for you instruct them how to prepare it? Is is really that difficult to eat a grilled bacon sandwich rather than a fried one?

(They have never ever in my presence complained about a cup of tea when we have been out somewhere.)

OP posts:
MsHarry · 21/01/2018 17:57

I bet FIL would have loved your grilled bacon sarnie. More like she doesn't want anyone to do anything better than her.

MsHarry · 21/01/2018 17:59

My Dsis had a MIL that kept going on about FIL not being able to tolerate garlic. Dsis used to cook chilli and lasagne with plenty of garlic, he loved it and she often made some for him when she was in hospital. Went down a treat! It's a control issue.

frasier · 21/01/2018 18:00

peachgreen She shouldn't even be interfering, to someone who is being kind enough to cook for her, or in another adult's preferences.

BertrandRussell · 21/01/2018 18:09

Bloody hell, it's a bacon sandwich, not a four course banquet! And it's family. Why on earth can't she have her tea the way she likes it?

bettydraper31 · 21/01/2018 18:16

Mine is the same.

Unsmoked bacon only (even if lardons only available in smoked so therefore faffing cutting bacon into small pieces).

Only cold milk with her coffee, so ALWAYS sends it back in restaurants. Won’t ask for “cold milk please”, loves them to bring it hot then always send it back.

Like a child with food, sooooo picky.

Has to sit at the table so even at our house will start to clear the table even with fish & chips on a Friday night when she knows we just chill on th sofa.

Her rules in her house, her rules in our house too.

Drives me mad and this is merely the tip of the iceberg so I feel your pain OP.

frasier · 21/01/2018 18:18

BertrandRussell Exactly, so why is she so controlling over a sandwich?!

BertrandRussell · 21/01/2018 18:21

"BertrandRussell Exactly, so why is she so controlling over a sandwich?"

Because why shouldn't people have things the way they like them? I don't like butter in most sandwiches- it would be daft if I didn't tell anyone who was making me a sandwich that, surely? What's wrong with just being nice about it?

2rebecca · 21/01/2018 18:21

If I'm grilling bacon I'm not usually getting the frying pan out too. I prefer my bacon grilled but if someone else was making it fried is fine if they're not using the grill, just don't put marg or butter on the bread. Suspect I'd not do bacon sandwiches in future and would stick to cereals and toast if guests are going to be fussy. Saying you don't want something is fine, saying you want something different or cooked differently isn't.
I'd be shooing MIL out of the kitchen and telling her I don't want any help cooking but she can help later with the washing up.

peachgreen · 21/01/2018 18:27

I'm just baffled that people would genuinely prefer to feed their family something they don't like than adapt a tiny bit to suit their preference. I think OP repeatedly refusing to make her MIL's tea the way she likes it for no good reason is much ruder than MIL saying that FIL doesn't like grilled bacon.

Schlimbesserung · 21/01/2018 18:34

I think it's the tone that matters, and we can't really judge that.
It might have been that the MIL was genuinely a little anxious because the FIL would have some sort of tantrum about an incorrect sandwich. Or it might be some sort of dominance thing, and whatever the OP was doing would have been wrong somehow. (I have a mental image of a tiger pissing up a tree to mark their territory).

My MIL was notoriously fussy about tea (but otherwise fabulous). Every time I made her a brew she would say she wanted "one and a bit spoons" of sugar. She did this with everybody and they all got it slightly wrong. So I would put one spoon in and then show her the spoon about half full and ask if that was how much she wanted. She like being listened to and having her one little quirk indulged so we were both happy and we drank an awful lot of tea together.

Our general relationship was good though and she was not critical of me at all. We both knew that having two adult women in the same house could be tricky so we were both careful about boundaries. She would also never have hidden behind anyone else if she wanted something a certain way. She'd have said that she wanted her bacon fried, or just done it herself.

ladymariner · 21/01/2018 18:38

I think OP repeatedly refusing to make her MIL's tea the way she likes it for no good reason is much ruder than MIL saying that FIL doesn't like grilled bacon.

This

If someone is a guest in my house, I would prefer them to tell me how they like their food and drink prepared, I want them to feel comfortable and relaxed. Its no big deal, but then I'm not a control freak.

DenPerry · 21/01/2018 18:40

My FIL is that fussy too so I just let MIL get on with it, she makes all his food while they stay. It's great Grin

YearOfYouRemember · 21/01/2018 18:42

bettydraper when she orders her coffee why don't you add to the order, that coffee needs to be made with cold milk please?

ittakes2 · 21/01/2018 18:49

Why do you care how she likes her tea? She might not have complained before when you have given her her tea the other way - doesn't mean she didn't notice.

SeaToSki · 21/01/2018 19:02

So i think both sides of the equation are partly right. For something that is as easy as a cup of tea, and with so many customizable preferences, it is nice to ask how someone likes it and accomodate that, or when asked if you would like a cup of tea, to specify any preferences. But ask or demand someone to customise ingredients and method of cooking a meal is OTT (allergies etc excepting), and then to demand customisation in the middle of the cooking process is just plain rude.

If you know you have a big issue with, say, how your bacon is cooked, which is potentially on the easy scale for adjusting to guests preferences, then when your host says I’m making bacon sarnies for breakfast, you immediatley pipe up ‘would you mind frying my bacon as i love it when its really crispy, I’m happy to help out’. You dont wait until they are halfway through making it and then demand it to be fried.

So she was rude, and it is also nice to accomodate people’s preferences if specified ahead of time. (Not that that its what the OP was asking about, but this thread seems to have gone that way!)

goose1964 · 21/01/2018 19:17

I suspect that she just thinks he doesn't like grilled bacon. My lovely in-laws often say that's a good idea but the other one wouldn't like it. Both of them.

I often have my kids to stay and both DS and DD will make drinks for us all. Mainly DS as I think DD is part camel.

FaveNumberIs2 · 21/01/2018 19:31

I like milk in first. This is mainly because if people put water in first, they never leave enough room for the amount of milk I like.

I also prefer my bacon fried, but dry fried and only just warmed through, chewey not crispy.

Each to their own, that being said, as a guest in your home, they should shut up and put up or POLITELY ask for it their way.

bemusedmoose · 21/01/2018 19:32

Pretty sure Fil wouldn't know nor care iif it was fried or grilled! She's just a control freak and it's all her preference.

So either bite your tongue or put your foot down and tell her it's not on.

Touchmybum · 21/01/2018 19:46

Next time, put the manners you don't believe your ILs have, into practice. Ask them first how they prefer their food, don't assume!

bettydraper31 · 21/01/2018 19:46

YearofYouRemember because she’s a grown up woman who should be able to do this herself. But yes I might start doing this from now on. It’s all about attention unfortunately.

Turquoise123 · 21/01/2018 19:47

Oh dear seh sounds like a bore. I hope she is not staying long.
There is an art to being a guest - one that seems to have passed her by poor thing.

codswallopandbalderdash · 21/01/2018 19:58

I feel your pain. a bit of politeness goes a long way. Frankly she sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

And it is all v well those saying let MiL get on with it - if she is anything like mine she will insist on knowing how things work then cause more work for me by (a) putting the iron on too hot and singing the ironing board , (b) not putting the lid on the milk properly then lying it flat in the fridge so it flooded everywhere (c) failing to get to grips with my new oven / hob so the dinner burned ...

Abbylee · 21/01/2018 20:25

Sometimes I speak without thinking. It's out before i realize it and no amount of apologizing makes a mouth/brain short circuit go away.

I'm sorry, mothers who mother sometimes forget to shut up.

MotherofaSurvivor · 21/01/2018 21:13

They sound like preferences which are fine? What's the problem? Besides the rank Tea?!

wictional · 21/01/2018 21:34

Fair enough, she wants her bacon fried not grilled. But to ask for the cooking process to be changed halfway through is quite cheeky; I would have put up with it at that point. If it was that important, she’d have specified it beforehand.