AIBU ...to be annoyed with MIL's demands as a guest

[heardashot]

The ILs are staying. This morning MIL came in to interfere help with breakfast and declared that FIL would not eat grilled bacon, it had to be fried. All my bacon was under the grill. I had to fish some out and fry it.

Next, cups of tea. MIL makes tea by putting a teabag in milk (ewwwww) and then adding hot water. I must admit that I never do this unless she is stood over me and she has never complained, so I doubt she can even tell the difference. But if she spots me, she tells me how to make her tea.

I was brought up to say thank you if someone gives you a present or something to eat or drink, and never complain about it. If you are out and paying for food and there is something wrong, then have a word yes.

I get buying something that your guests like and you don't have in, FIL likes white bread for example so I got some, but aibu to think that when someone offers you a bacon sandwich or cup of tea, that beyond "no sugar thanks" it is rude for you instruct them how to prepare it? Is is really that difficult to eat a grilled bacon sandwich rather than a fried one?

(They have never ever in my presence complained about a cup of tea when we have been out somewhere.)

My lovely GM was like this about bacon.

Absolutely no idea why, but she said it had to be fried.

My DM just used to give her a cup of tea in the lounge and grill the bacon. She never noticed, often stating how much nicer it was fried . GM was wonderful in every other way so no one minded this quirk very much.

I think it's just an issue of familiarity/habit with doing things.

Yes, it's annoying but I'd just keep her out of the kitchen put up with it for a few days.

With tea I will give the guest the benefit of having it how they like it.

With bacon the option is yes or no. If someone told me it had to be cooked the opposite to how it was being done or what shape to cut the bread I would not be happy and probably make a point of ignoring them

My Mum tries it on with the 'your Dad doesn't like it like that, prefers the best bits. I just ignore

Well, they've gone. Breakfast was a help yourself affair, I just laid the table continental style. No one complained.

I was out for lunch. I just asked DH whether he had fed them. Yes, he and FIL had "brown sauce on bread" and MIL didn't want anything.

Yes, brown sauce on bread. Apparently this was always FIL and DH's goto when DG was young and there was nothing prepared. (Don't know about FIL DH is perfectly capable of cooking a meal or making a sandwich if he wants one.)

I googled it. Apparently it is a Liverpool thing. You learn something new every day!

DG = DH

GreenTulips it's easier just to say 'would you like a bacon sandwich? How do you like it?' Then the answer would be 'Yes please, fried bacon on brown bread with fried tomato please' if you are me. 'Yes please, fried with all the fat cut off on white bread please' if you are my dad. 'Yes please, with a fried egg and sausage if there's one going' if you are DH...

ROFL! Well, there is your answer. The ILs are such gourmands!

Oh well, no bacon for FIL then. Seriously, don't rise to their drama.

Those that are calling the OP names are presumably those who, as a guest, tell others exactly how and what to do for them and expect it to be done.

Not at all. I just think there's a big difference between telling your family members how you take your tea and telling, say, your boss's wife that she should put more pepper in the spag bol.

One is expressing a preference to a family member who will, presumably, be making you lots of tea (and bacon sandwiches!) over the forthcoming years. The other is telling someone you don't know that well how to cook in their own kitchen. Two totally different things.

Interesting update OP, so you left your DH to feed them lunch and then they chose to not really have anything. I appreciate people without bonkers ILs may not quite get the dynamic, but OP, you have my sympathies.

"As a guest (allergies or medical or sn issues aside) the onus is on you to accept any food or hospitality from your host with gratitude, in whatever form it arrives."

What-even if it's tea without sugar and you take sugar? Is it rude to say "can I have some sugar, please?" I used to have to remind my mum that I don't like butter in sandwiches-was I rude to do that?

Incidentally- do people not distinguish between guests and family?

@headshot - your last post stirred a long-forgotten memory of a favourite snack of mine. A piece with salad cream (preferably made with a door-stop). Scottish translation - "piece" = sandwich/"door-stop" = the end slice of a plain loaf

Bertrand Russell ideally, a good host will always ask about the preferences of a guest and remember them.

And yes of course one distinguishes between guests and family members but imho (and actual experience) problems often arise when family members forget to extend the same courtesies to one another, that they would automatically extend to a (non-family) guest.

GreenTulips it's easier just to say 'would you like a bacon sandwich? How do you like it?' Then the answer would be 'Yes please, fried bacon on brown bread with fried tomato please' if you are me. 'Yes please, fried with all the fat cut off on white bread please' if you are my dad. 'Yes please, with a fried egg and sausage if there's one going' if you are DH...

But ...... you haven't said grilled or fried or how you'd like it sliced .....

Which was the point really

Yes i did i said fried on all 3 I wouldn't specify sliced as it isn't a preference of mine. But i'd be happy if someone said 'fried on brown in triangles thanks'.

“problems often arise when family members forget to extend the same courtesies to one another, that they would automatically extend to a (non-family) guest.”

Like making their tea the way they like it?

...or refusing to eat food that is grilled rather than fried?

Man this thread. People are really weird about their tea

problems often arise when family members forget to extend the same courtesies to one another, that they would automatically extend to a (non-family) guest.

Like making their tea the way they like it when you know what their preference is - something OP admits she has deliberately and repeatedly refused to do?

Asking someone how they take their tea and making it that way is pretty much the lowest bar of hospitality, surely? I would ask anyone - family, friends, co-workers, tradespeople - even people I dislike! - how they take their tea and make it that way without question. It's not hard!

@frasier But that's not what happened. MIL explained how FIL preferred his bacon.

And again, this is family. No doubt they'll serve each other bacon sandwiches again in the future (well, unless OP gets her way as she seems to want nothing to do with them!). Would you really prefer to serve something to your family that they didn't like, repeatedly, rather than just have them say something in the first instance?

peachgreen Actually the MIL said that FIL would not eat it if it were grilled.

This is why I make DH do all the cooking if his parents are staying, I cant stand their nit picking and whining. Mind you then they moan that "poor DH" has to be in the kitchen all the time. Can't win!!

I once made a beef stew for dinner for myself, ExDP and ExFIL. As it was served and we sat to eat, Ex MIL stormed in, removed the bowl of stew from ExFIL and told me he didn’t like it that way and took it to the kitchen to add bisto granules (!) and mash

don't give in
why should you do
it her way
it's your house
just ignore her and carry on bacon grilling and tea making your way
what's the worse she can do !!!

@frasier Yes but that's not the same as being served something and saying "I won't eat this". She did it on behalf of someone else and while there was still time to easily change it.

Well you know what to do next time, just tell them the kettle is boiled and they know where the stuff is in the fridge.

Use it against them in a nice way, that you don't want to get it wrong, so thought they would rather make it themselves.

Then watch him watch you eat a bacon Sarnie.