AIBU ...to be annoyed with MIL's demands as a guest

[heardashot]

The ILs are staying. This morning MIL came in to interfere help with breakfast and declared that FIL would not eat grilled bacon, it had to be fried. All my bacon was under the grill. I had to fish some out and fry it.

Next, cups of tea. MIL makes tea by putting a teabag in milk (ewwwww) and then adding hot water. I must admit that I never do this unless she is stood over me and she has never complained, so I doubt she can even tell the difference. But if she spots me, she tells me how to make her tea.

I was brought up to say thank you if someone gives you a present or something to eat or drink, and never complain about it. If you are out and paying for food and there is something wrong, then have a word yes.

I get buying something that your guests like and you don't have in, FIL likes white bread for example so I got some, but aibu to think that when someone offers you a bacon sandwich or cup of tea, that beyond "no sugar thanks" it is rude for you instruct them how to prepare it? Is is really that difficult to eat a grilled bacon sandwich rather than a fried one?

(They have never ever in my presence complained about a cup of tea when we have been out somewhere.)

I’d be tempted to “ subtly “ point out to mil that guests should be appreciative of everything the host does for her guests, rather than pointing out what she would do it.

Your mission, mumsnetters, should you choose to accept it..........

How to “subtly “ point out to mil what a fucking rude bitch she is....3...2...1....go!

Tell if she wants her busband's breakfast prepared her way that she is welcome to do it herself. Then make yourself a cup of tea and sit and read the paper while she does it. Cheeky mare.

Now you know what to get in time for their next visit: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B001HZNK54?tag=mumsnetforum-21

To be clear, I didn't argue, I just did as I was told. I didn't like it though. I think she was out of order.

That’s where you went wrong, then - why on earth didn’t you just say “oh dear, I didn’t know that about the bacon - I’m grilling it now!” Then shouted through to FIL “Would you still like a bacon sandwich if it’s grilled, FIL?”

You can let her crack on with the tea - tell her to feel free to put the kettle on and make it the way she likes.

The sandwich cutting I’d just have cut them all triangles and “forgot” FIL’s preference- then apologised in front of him, and he’d no doubt have said “Don’t worry!”

You do sound hard work, OP. It’s OK to express a preference in a family member’s house! Be nice ... but express your own preference that you like to be left alone in the kitchen.

I don't get it at all. It's family. It's just expressing a preference. I think if you didn't already have problems with your MIL you wouldn't care about this - there must be something else going on in the background.

So when my brother reminds me that he likes the teabag taken out of the mug as soon as the water goes in he's being rude and should just drinki it as strong as I like it? How bizarre!

Yes, I think it’s the most basic of hosting duties to make someone’s tea how they like it. You wouldn’t put two sugars in when they say they like one. It’s very basic decency.

I agree, peach & madcat, I think it's good manners to make sure your guests/family are happy when they come to visit, especially with something like a cuppa. I think the only reason the bacon thing was a bit rude was that the OP was already cooking it and didn't have any spare.

I'd also be pretty upset to learn that I'd been giving/making them something they didn't like because they hadn't felt able to tell me.

It actually annoys me more when people say that they'll have something "however it comes", because I can't believe that they don't have a preference, and I'd rather make them something they'll enjoy than make it my way.

Yes, that "tea how it comes" is annoying! I got round that by saying "so more dishwater or red brick?" and making them choose which end of the scale they preferred. Then just did it how I would drink it anyway if they still refused to say!

It's annoying, I know.

But I think as a host it's good manners to ask guests what they'd like for breakfast, how they like their eggs/bacon/tea etc. Or if you've already started, let them make their own. Sounds like your mil had come down to help rather than interfere. I would have let her make the tea and fry fil's bacon.

For close family I try to learn how they take their tea and make it their way. It's a little thing but makes people feel welcome and cared for.

Yes- one of the many things that infuriates me about my step fil is his complete refusal to express a preference. I want people staying with me to be happy and comfortable and have nice things to eat and drink. Which involves me knowing what they think nice things to eat and drink are!

In future do what I do. I host my mum, he deals with his. I made his mum a meal once. She moaned it was ‘too tomatoey’ so DH cooks for her now when she visits.

My MIL brings her own apron, kitchen roll and washing up gloves. If I go out, she puts my oven gloves through the washing machine (even though I wash them fairly frequently).

My late MIL used to put 3 sweetex in every cup of tea or coffee she made for anyone.

I don’t even take sugar.

Bag in milk is yuck but I’d live with it for the odd cuppa.

You normally cut your bacon sandwiches into triangles?!?

OP We are NC with her since fil died as she revealed her true colours when he was terminally ill, and then some, and was appalling after his death. Over the years she has stood up and stamped her feet during a meal at my house, as I hadn't done something as she liked; come to stay with a friend for 10 days even when told those dates were inconvenient for me; we were having a friend over for dinner when mil and fil were staying, and I had based the meal on the friends arrival time being fluid. Mil took it upon herself to interfere whilst I was elsewhere and make a lemon chicken out of the meat, as opposed to what I had planned, as she preferred it. Never mind that ds wouldn't then eat it, and I had to cook another meal for him.

When she came to stay there were moans about the sparkling water we provided, the lack of ciabatta to go with soup; the lack of alcohol at two meals a day; each meal had to be a full production, and dinner had to include drinks and bubbles beforehand. I didn't do filter coffee as we have a cafetiere, wrong again.

I once did curry, and offered water or beer to drink. Not good enough, she wanted wine. When we once took them out for a curry, not only had she ordered a main course for four people, which was something I don't eat, and didn't tell us she had done so, she then refused wine ad ' everyone knows you drink beer with a curry Scary'. Grrrrrr and aaargh. Our lives are so much better being NC.

Hmm, while I get that having someone give you strict instructions on how to prepare their food when in your home is annoying, at the same time, if you have particular preferences, and you are staying with FAMILY, then what's the harm in stating those preferences?

Because while you may have been brought up to not be fussy when you go to someone else's home and just accept what you're given, I've been brought up to make sure guests feel welcome and that if they have particular preferences which aren't overboard, then to accommodate them, because actually, the reason why I have invited them over is because I like them, and I want them to be happy and comfortable when visiting me. You, on the other hand, don't sound like your like your MIL at all, and want to keep her at arms length.

I can't get over the fact that you hate the way she makes tea and so just don't drink it at her house. I have my tea black, and while at some places will put up with my tea having milk in it, because they just make up however many cups of tea in a row, I would specify it at a friend's house or family's house, and they would make me a new one. Just as I would remake theirs if I made theirs wrong.

You just sound very inflexible and pedantic.

Interesting thread. Those that are calling the OP names are presumably those who, as a guest, tell others exactly how and what to do for them and expect it to be done.

The OP's values are such that she is a very easy houseguest herself, not complaining, not demanding, yet just to make sure she is still in the wrong, she then gets told that it is really annoying and even gives someone "the rage" when people say they will have tea "how it comes".

People like the OP can't win. Obviously they are here on earth to serve the type of people who are so up themselves they can't eat a sandwich unless it is made to their particular specification.

Taking chippy order from family
“Cod and chips, please”
“Haddock and chips please”
Step fil “Whatever’s easiest for you, pet”
Me “Everything’s easy, i’m going to the chippy”
SFil “i’m not fussy- whatever’s easiest”
Me - determined to get a decision “please- what would you like?”
Sfil “it’s fine, pet, i’ll go with the majority”
Me, through gritted teeth “There is no majority- what would you like?”
Sfil “oh well then, cod if it’s no bother”
Me, grabbing car keys “Great - I’ll in a bit”

As I shut the door, I heard him call “ Or haddock if it’s easier””

This is a verbatim report. Please don’t be a Just as it Comes-Er!

Aaaaaargh!

Have a bloody opinion man!

Or people like the OP are why the who wont express an opinion for fear of offending someone and who in turn takes offence at any preference.

To be clear, I didn't argue, I just did as I was told. I didn't like it though. I think she was out of order.

Well, she wasn't. It would have been nice if you'd asked. I would always ask guests how they like something if I didn't already know.

And surely you knew about the tea?

As a guest (allergies or medical or sn issues aside) the onus is on you to accept any food or hospitality from your host with gratitude, in whatever form it arrives.

I think this is a case of some people really don't mind and those that do, those that need bacon to be fried or they call people names or get "the rage", dislike them because they know exactly what it makes them look like!

Well I have never fried bacon and it wouldn't occur to me to offer that as a choice

Neither would I ask about what SHAPE and adult would prefer their sandwich to be cut into

Can you imagine the faff!!

Would you like a bacon sandwich?

Grilled/fried/boiled/micorwaved?
White or brown bread?
Crusty or sliced?
Butter/no butter/ margarine?
Squares traingles or zigzags
Tomatoes or brown sauce

OP isn't running a cafe. She's making a sandwich!