To protect my daughter? Trigger warning

[TiredMumToTwo]

WWYD - would you let your 5 year old DD stay overnight in a house with an adult who had been accused of historical sexual abuse of a minor but been found not guilty at Crown Court?

Nope. Not at this age. Kids can't comprehend a lot at this age and will listen to an adult in charge more often than not which in this man's case is a risk too big to take. If she wants a sleepover then invite your MIL to stay round yours without her husband and you can have a lie in that morning.

Don't be so bloody stupid

Then given your update absolutely no way would I let her stay overnight unsupervised. Given the experience of many other posters about how hard this is to prove.

The only way I would consider it is if you think there is a real risk your dh will leave you if you refuse, when he could then allow your dd to stay and there would be nothing you could do. If this is the case I'd think about letting her stay as long as you did too in the same room as her.

But I'd ask the social workers first before having anymore discussion. As if they say no anyway it's easy to say no.

Eliza - absolutely not consentual - basically rape & sexual assault 11 times to 2 different teenage boys.

I also agree that SS might have an issue with it. Children are removed from home if there is an allegation of SA, even if it doesn't go to court. You need to be careful and check anyway. This could be a get out for you.

It's your decision. Tbh, if my DH pressured me like your DH is pressuring you then I wouldn't be able to stay with him. Harsh but that's how I would feel.

If you put it to him like that he might back down, he will if he values your relationship.

No way. I would be very selective about who my child stayed over with anyway. He's 2 and I would happily leave him with my DM who is essentially his third carer and is more than capable of dealing with any night-time shenanigans calmly and kindly. I would also consider my sister, who has no kids of her own but has a lovely relationship with him. That's it. He has lovely relationships with other close family members such as my DDad but I'm not convinced he could handle him overnight without getting pissed off and grumpy (as in, it wouldn't be a happy experience rather than any concerns about safety).

While safety is paramount, there are other things to consider: how secure does your child feel being there without you? Can they cope calmly and kindly with bad behaviour, upsets, nightmares, etc? Do you trust them to call you if your child is upset? Would your child feel ready to stay somewhere without you?

In your case, obviously, you wouldn't even get to those finer points because there's a big fat reason to say no. How upsetting that your DH is not on the same page as you.

Apologies Doggy - it was pitched as a 'what would you do?' thread, and although you've said how you feel, it wasn't clear to me that you were actually going to go against the family grain and risk the fall out.

Well done - you know you're doing the right thing.

Thanks Dowager

The guy who abused kids at my gym club was never taken to trial because of his ‘mental illness’ the courts do fuck up. No way in hell would my child be staying there.

I wouldn't let a male babysit my child. No way would a child of mine be staying in any man's house. The only exception would be with the child's father on the basis that I'd vetted this man very carefully before getting involved with him in the first place, and got a disclosure under Sarah's Law before getting close enough to think about having children with him. The rate of sexual abuse perpetrated by men is too high IMO to consider leaving a child in the care of a man

Absolutely no way. I work in the criminal justice system. I have seen family members shown videos yet they still twist it to believe that the perpetrator is innocent.

Our system is far from perfect. Juries reach curious decisions.

Maybe he is innocent, but I really wouldn’t be taking the risk with my 5yr old.

My other huge concern would be the family trying to engineer meetings with your DD in your absence.

Can you approach this in a different way and say that your DD doesn't need to have sleepovers at GP's house as you are always there at home for her. I'd also tell DH to back off as this is a bridge you can cross at a later point and doesn't actually have to be dealt with now.

In the meantime educate your daughter about her privates, what is and isn't ok,without scaring her and that if she doesn't want to cuddle or kiss people never force her to.

If your husband is willing to put the feelings of his other over the safety of his daughter that says a lot more about him than you. Do not compromise,your daughters safety and well-being. I know,this isn't your first thread, don't be bullied and made to back down on this.

Also it went to trial so the cps believed there was enough evidence for a guilty verdict.

What the jury has to be convinced of by the prosecution is beyond reasonable doubt and that is so difficult.

Absolutely no way in hell

No fucking way on this EARTH. If it caused divorce, so be it!!!

No. It's likely there are 'other' things going on like voyeurism, pornographic pictures etc. These may have put aside while seemingly bigger allegations were investigated.

Stick to your guns, don't be persuaded. Too many abusers have gotten away with it and still do.
FWIW I would not allow my DC unsupervised with with MIL or FIL even if DH was there as they are all in denial of what FIL is capable of. This plays right into the hands of a paedophile. CPS don't prosecute without real chance of conviction. Sadly convictions are hard to achieve.
Take care and I would leave my DH over this if he insisted and you would get full custody as he'd be prepared to put his DC at risk.

I’m concerned that your marriage would be in trouble because you made a decision based on you wishing to protect your child. What sort of man are you married to!?

Did the whole family sit through the whole trial and hear all the evidence? I guess your DH can’t have because he was a witness.

I wouldn’t let my child stay there in a million years. What a shitty situation for you though OP.

Nope. Not in a million years. My dd2 had a friend whose father was an absolute tragic alcoholic. I said no to sleepovers ever there. That was what my gut said and i stuck to it. Caused a flurry of sympathetic outrage amongst friends but it calmed down. I wasnt being horrible; my daughters safety and well being went ahead of a man who walked the estate with a can of special brew.
Sometimes you have to call it what it is. Stick to your guns . How would you ever explain it to your dd? And you would never forgive yourself or dh if anything happened.

Have you already been lettings her stay there? You need to talk to social care. This is a LTB carefully situation. Family members of an abuser who are in denial will not stick to any agreement to safeguard the child by not leaving them alone with the perpetrator. They will undermine the agreement to prove their loyalty to the perpetrator. Such is the charm of abusers like this and the people who line up to proclaim their support for the poor, innocent, wrongly accused blah blah blsh.

Nope nope nope

You are doing absolutely the right thing.

and well done on getting this on a thread. So much support for you here. It's essential that people who have concerns listen to their gut reactions. It saves a lot of heartache.

Good luck. x

Never.

We have to be very protective of our children even without allegations of this nature. I’d rather others have hurt feelings than for my child to be hurt in any way.

If you have any doubts, have a look at the testimonies of the victims of Larry Nassar particularly that of Kyle Stephens.

Protect your daughter.