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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To protect my daughter? Trigger warning

340 replies

TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 07:55

WWYD - would you let your 5 year old DD stay overnight in a house with an adult who had been accused of historical sexual abuse of a minor but been found not guilty at Crown Court?

OP posts:
DenPerry · 20/01/2018 09:08

I was going to say the same as sister, if you breakup then you won't know when your DD is there... probably a hell of a lot more than she is now. Awful situation. I think I would agree to go as long as I stayed over too.

piefacedClique · 20/01/2018 09:08

Abusers don’t just abuse their victims overnight! I wouldn’t be allowing any unsupervised contact with him. However offended people were!

SheSellSeaShells · 20/01/2018 09:08

My kids have never had a sleep over at their grandparents - I never had sleepovers at mine either. Doesn't make a dot of difference to their relationship with them.
I would not feel easy in your situation, and it would be a "hell no" from me.

AngryAttackKittens · 20/01/2018 09:09

I hope it doesn't come to a split but if it did, what family court would give equal custody to the father knowing that he pushed for the child to stay overnight after social services requiring that visits be supervised by gran? OP very clearly comes across as the more responsible parent here.

CollyWombles · 20/01/2018 09:10

Not a chance OP.

I am a survivor of child abuse. One of the impacts of it meant I saw abusers around ever corner when I had my DC. I was suspicious of everyone, my own family the most. That did not prevent one of my DC having an almost identical experience, in the care of her father on weekend access.

In this case, historical abuse is incredibly hard to prove as it basically comes down to his word against hers. Was there any motive for her to lie? I can't see what someone has to gain by accusing someone of historical abuse.

The very fact there has been an accusation would be enough for me to only allow supervised contact with dc. Trust your instincts.

OverwhelmedandStruggling · 20/01/2018 09:11

Christ on a bike! Hell no. No smoke without fire.

Sevendown · 20/01/2018 09:12

Dgm being in the house isn’t going to stop him abusing her.

If she doesn’t acknowledge his guilt she shouldn’t be supervising it at all!

gingerbread88 · 20/01/2018 09:12

Even without any back story I can say a big NO. Surely the accused would understand why a parent would say no too....

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/01/2018 09:12

Your issue isn't whether your DD stays overnight with some dodgy fuck. Because of course, she can't go.

Your issue is, as ever, your husband, and your relationship with him.

JennyOnAPlate · 20/01/2018 09:13

Not a chance.

KC225 · 20/01/2018 09:14

Can you show your DH this thread?

debbs77 · 20/01/2018 09:14

Has this only just come to light then if she has already been staying there?

Gincision · 20/01/2018 09:14

Who was he accused of abusing?

And (this would be absolutely key to me), what reasons do dh and his dm give to explain why there was sufficient evidence to take him to court if he didn't do it?

I'm 99% sure I'd be totally with you on this but the above would be very interesting to understand your dh perspective. Are they just flatly denying it without attempting to explain or do they have good reasons why, even if you are not convinced?

And, while the agreement may be technically met with his dm being in the house at the same time there is no way that she can be with your dd all the time when they are both sleeping.

MiracleAccidentMistake · 20/01/2018 09:15

Oh gosh. So before the accusations your DD was staying over regularly with your MIL and FIL?

yogaginrepeat · 20/01/2018 09:15

I have someone in my family who 100% was abused by an uncle for years as a child. She found the courage to press charges as an adult, 25 years later. He could afford the best legal support, she couldn't. He was found not guilty.

In no way would I allow any child to stay over in your circumstances OP.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/01/2018 09:16

And to all the complete under-thinkers coming on to bleat, 'innocent until proven guilty', would you try copping onto yourselves.

Lizzie48 · 20/01/2018 09:16

You do know how hard it is to prove historic offences? My DSis and I reported a serious assault on the two of us and our older DB that took place when we were 8 and 6. There were 2 men, one we knew and one we didn't. The man we knew is dead, the police traced a man who fitted our description and my DSis identified him (she was the one who talked to him at other times during that week). And my DB said he didn't remember anything, he has serious MH issues now. He's since said he does remember this.

My DM remembered the man who's died. She had her suspicions about him at the time as did others, they didn't like the way he was around children.

Anyway, the ID wasn't enough for the CPS to pursue it, there wasn't a 'realistic chance of conviction'. So that was that. He's 'innocent' in the eyes of the law. But no way did the police find the wrong man.

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 09:18

Gincision - wasn’t a family member - two teenage boys whilst FIL was in a position of responsibility- 11 counts in total.

They just 100% think the plaintiffs are druggy losers who lie about everything- they literally won’t even accept there is a 1% chance it’s true. Family loyalty?

OP posts:
FinallyReportedHim2 · 20/01/2018 09:19

I was abused by a relative when staying over with them as a child. It never happened at night/in the bedroom. On a number of occasions there was another relative in the next room. Sex offenders are very devious and groom children at every opportunity. Just saying.

A couple of years ago it went to court as a "historic" case and he was found guilty, but it could easily have gone the other way. The jury have to be absolutely sure and that's hard in any sex offence case, never mind historic ones. He got a suspended sentence... He still denies it ever happened and says I made it all up and his wife and step children believe him....it turns my stomach that he has access to his step grandchildren :(

What happened has impacted my whole life. Please don't take any chances OP.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/01/2018 09:19

So what are you going to do, Doggy?

Placate hubby for a quiet life?

TheWhisperingSky · 20/01/2018 09:20

Can you just meet any point he makes with "but we signed to say she wouldn't go there unsupervised"

Eliza9917 · 20/01/2018 09:21

How old was the person that brought the charges? The op's description of them make it sound like he had sex with a consenting 14/15 year old rather than messed with a young child.

It doesn't make any difference though but more circumstances of the charge would shed more light on why the family feel as they do.

And as for him being unequivocally innocent in their eyes as he wasn't found guilty, poppi Worthingtons sperm donor hasn't even been charged, so there you go, tells you all you need to know.

There is no way on earth I'd let my child stay there. I probably wouldn't let them go there either, nan could visit dc in their own home.

Pengggwn · 20/01/2018 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 09:21

Dowager - I’ve already said what I’m going to do if you RTFT

OP posts:
joystir59 · 20/01/2018 09:21

It is rare for someone to lie about historical sexual abuse. It's extremely difficult to come forward and make that accusation, and the accuser is put through an etensive detailed 'achieving best evidence' videos interview. Only then is there a decision to arrest and interview the accused. So there has to be strong evidence even to get to that point. I know, I've been interviewed. So DO NOT LET YOUR CHILD STAY