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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

422 replies

MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 06:23

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 20/01/2018 12:02

I think it would be different if you’d come on and said how worried you were that DS would miss 3 weeks with his dad and how upset he’d be. This doesn’t seem to be your issue, you just don’t want to be stuck looking after your own child for 3 weeks which is a shame.

Snowysky20009 · 20/01/2018 12:07

I've even got one example where exdp asked to change weekends because but he and his gf wanted to go to a concert. I had planned a night out with 3 friends- 1 married, 2 co-parenting. Text the girls could we do it the next weekend. They then contacted their exdp's and explained- they said no problem.

So it wasn't only me accommodating, but my friends exdp's agreed to accommodate. Why? Because we all at some stage need that flexibility, they know there is going to be a weekend that they ask to change for similar reasons.

It's being adult really. Sorry you are just sounding like a child who's throwing her toys out of the pram and wants to sabotage his holiday. It will bite you in the ass if you do.

mummypig14 · 20/01/2018 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tofftwitty · 20/01/2018 12:11

YABVVVVU.

We all swap about as and when required. Children come first. They NEED amicable parents. They didn't ask for this so woman up, grow up and stop being a nasty fucker.

blackteasplease · 20/01/2018 12:13

I would swap too. But is there any reason why he can't swap to the weekend after so you only do two in a row?

You might want to swap one day!

Cavelady67 · 20/01/2018 12:13

I think your ex went wrong by asking you rather than informing you he couldn't do a particular weekend regardless of the reason. Because now he's given you the chance to be really unreasonable! And WTF is a "private holiday" anyway?

If you don't want to give up your access weekend then just say he can miss a weekend at his dad's. So he's at yours for the three weeks then it's back to normal and the schedule isn't changed.

My ex can be a bit wayward with the access arrangements so I made it clear that swaps are to be the exception and not the rule (or else he'd be chopping and changing every bloody week) but I am still happy to accommodate swaps.

blackteasplease · 20/01/2018 12:14

Oh I see the answer to my question - it's a long holiday. I think I'd swap still becuase of the reason given below.

Only thing that would rankle would be if this stopped him taking ds away later on or if he had no holiday left to take in the school hols or something.

brizzledrizzle · 20/01/2018 12:18

YABVVU.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 20/01/2018 12:19

mummypig and the OP read very similarly Hmm

runsmidgeOMG · 20/01/2018 12:21

Another YABU.

OP please listen to the masses, they speak good sense.

You may feel this way right now as there is probably a back story BUT your son will thank you for your flexibility and amicable parenting when he's older.

There are so many contact threads on here where parents simply cannot be bothered with their contact time, do not turn up, change plans at last minute etc

On the face of it you have a father who is willing to make up lost time with his son. Embrace that. You might need help from him in the future.

I hope you make the right choice.

tenterden · 20/01/2018 12:26

Is mummypig a name change fail or sockpuppeting? Can't work out what's going on here........

kaytee87 · 20/01/2018 12:27

I think it's a name change fail

Snowysky20009 · 20/01/2018 12:28

JustAnotherPoster00 my thoughts too Wink

mummypig14 · 20/01/2018 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButterflyOnTheWindow · 20/01/2018 12:29

Tenterden - looks like a bit of both!

ConcreteUnderpants · 20/01/2018 12:32

i'm saying me and DCs Dad mutually AGREED not to swap for things like stag dos or holidays without the DC

Wow, mummypig. Presumably then, your friends (and their contact arrangements with their exes) have to revolve around you, if they want you to attend their parties, celebrations etc.

I guess it works for you, but I appreciate other people's lives don't revolve around when I am child-free and sometimes, I have to be flexible and swap dates, as does my ex.

Sosog00d · 20/01/2018 12:33

OP I think i know where you are coming from and can relate. My experience was that exDH was the most rigid, self-serving, inflexible bastard during our marriage but expected flexibility on separating.

It was and is galling. We do swap if there are big events/major commitments involved but i admit i do struggle that he cannot manage work commitments and expects me to pick up where he has dropped the ball. Also if i have agreed time away and which weekends are which/any changes needed, he will revert or change his mind after the holiday and i will need to be 'flexible' for him as a 'pay-back'. Infuriating.

Yes i have been rigid, but it was to try and reinforce to him that the children needed consistency and routine as much as possible. My behaviour has been symptomatic of a pretty shocking level of disrespect received from him.

Time is passing and i think the message has filtered through that i cannot be at his beck and call as though we're still married. He wants the arrangement we have in place, he is utterly inflexible if I need him on an evening he has his hobbies. They come first.

Enidthecat · 20/01/2018 12:34

People often are restricted in booking holidays because of work mummypig it's 3 weekends because they do Eow. If it was every weekend hed only be missing one.

Sosog00d · 20/01/2018 12:34

Posted too soon - try try try to be magnanimous here - PP's are right in that it probably is best fo the kids, however much it stings.

Your DS will thank you for it and THAT will mean the world xx

DancingOnRainbows · 20/01/2018 12:35

Yabvu

Some of us have to tolerate our kids EVERY weekend Grin

stressedoutfred · 20/01/2018 12:37

Please pick your battles OP! We’ve always swapped weekends when necessary ( well I would swap, Ex can be abit difficult if I ask to swap but normally agrees)

tralaaa · 20/01/2018 12:37

It would be kind to swap, why do you want to be unkind. You in the future may need to swap. Be flexible

EggysMom · 20/01/2018 12:42

Is the OP (or their new identity) going to acknowledge that the overwhelming response is that she is BVVU? (add my voice to that count!)

Bonez · 20/01/2018 12:44

You would be a dick to refuse. Stop being petty. There are more important things in life (like your son). It's not about you.

Jobjobjob · 20/01/2018 13:01

Sorry I've lost the plot with this thread, is the OP mummypig and coming on to defend herself under a different name?