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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

422 replies

MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 06:23

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

OP posts:
ConcreteUnderpants · 20/01/2018 13:16

I'll admit, yes it's annoying when my ex wants to change at short notice. Especially when I know it's because he has a date/ there is a new Xbox game out/other stupid reason.
However, if he wants to put those things in front of his child, then more fool him.

I'll generally accommodate his changes as usually I'm not doing anything special anyway, and it allows me to be able to request date changes with no come back from him.

Dealing with a twatty ex really is about picking your battles. This isn't worth the fight.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 20/01/2018 13:17

And I thought I was spiteful...

Seriously though, this will come back to bite you on the arse. If you can hold your hands up and say "well yes, i am a bit envious" then we can try and help you work things out. You might think you're punishing your ex by behaving like this but if it carries on, you'll end up hurting yourself more.

Sallystyle · 20/01/2018 13:24

Me and my ex used to do this often.

He was actually meant to have them every weekend (no court order), but there were times I wanted to do something nice with them so he happily swapped the days around so I could have time with them. There were time where he wanted to go out for the weekend with his wife and I had no issues with that at all.

We helped each other out because it was best for us and also best for the children to have two parents who didn't argue about stupid shit. It lead to a very close co-parenting relationship and even friendship between us all.

Life is too short to refuse the odd request like this. You just sound a bit bitter and resentful. Do your kids a favour and stop it.

Lizzie48 · 20/01/2018 13:26

It's amazing that the OP can't see that if just about every poster thinks she's BVU, that means she probably is. Confused

lifeandtheuniverse · 20/01/2018 13:28

If he goes on holiday without his son all the time - then no, he needs to get his priorities straight. If it over scholl holidays then definitely - no

Every so often then why not - what goes around .....

swingofthings · 20/01/2018 13:29

My ex expected me to be flexible all the time when he first met his DP which really got to me as it was more a demand than a request. I went along with it though with gritted teeth.

I was really grateful though when years later, the roles got reversed and I had to ask him to change dates so that I could go with my OH on work related trips abroad which obviously couldn't be flexed. There were other occasions too over the years and thankfully, ex was always cool about it.

It sounds like you want to say no because you are envious of their going away and like the idea of control to make it harder for them.

OnionKnight · 20/01/2018 13:32

Stop being spiteful and bitter.

It's not difficult to work out why you are separated.

AgnesBrownsCat · 20/01/2018 13:37

Ex’s like you are one of the reasons so many men walk away from their children . Stop being a prat and let him go on holiday with his girlfriend. Are you jealous ?

beingsunny · 20/01/2018 13:40

You are being totally unreasonable, unless you have plans which can't be changed I can't see any reason not to work together on this.

And yes I'm a single parent and regularly switch things around with my ex to enable us to do different things, that meant when I asked for Christmas on 'his year' he agreed as it was a more fun time for our son, if it's not at your sons detriment then you are just being mean.

TempusEejit · 20/01/2018 13:42

He technically doesn't even need to ask you, he can just tell you he's going away and not make the time up either.

Piss him off enough and he could technically just turn round and stop seeing his DS altogether so he no longer has to deal with your unreasonableness, then you'd end up stuck with your own kid every weekend...

Felicitycity · 20/01/2018 14:04

Another vote for saying you should swap. It makes sense to be flexible - it's no skin off your nose and you may need him to be flexible in the future. Plus your son will pick up on your attitude to his father. that's not good for his well being.

Clarew81 · 21/01/2018 17:27

You are being completely unreasonable.
What harm does it do to swap weekends?
They as a couple have never had the before kids moments and are entitled to have the odd holiday without kids just are you. Why make it so difficult for them?
You are making it a far bigger deal than need too and just come across very bitter.

Mummymia2 · 21/01/2018 17:38

I think you should allow it. Im a single mum and my dd’s dad works shifts, it isn’t ideal and while sometimes I feel like his shift pattern shouldn’t affect my life, it does and will because we share a daughter. Sometimes I have her three or four weekends in a row, he will always have her the weekends he is off and a night in the week if he is working so it’s not so long between visits. I have learnt to just make the most of the “free” time when I get it.

We used to argue like cat and dog, let it go, it will make you much happier. As long as you both do what you can when you can a bit of give and take is always good :)

londonrach · 21/01/2018 17:40

Grow up op. Yabu.

FarmerSee · 21/01/2018 17:41

My parents divorced and my mum would be inflexible like this. It was pure spite. She left my dad for another man, but she STILL wanted to make his life difficult with regards to access to my siblings and I. Ultimately it created a great deal of stress for us, lots of feelings of resentment towards my mother. In fact it got so bad my dad just stopped seeing us because she wouldn't allow any flexibility around his work shifts etc. The constant battling with her got too much. My siblings and I now have no father and a very fractured relationship with our mother as a result.

Be careful OP, if you can't be reasonable, amicable and flexible with your ex's access then you risk your DS resenting you in the future.

Roversandrhodes · 21/01/2018 17:41

I've been in this situation .I have the same situation with my daughters dad.I can't stand him but I've swapped weekends for him several times .As long as he isn't taking the piss I think you're being really unfair .Just pick you're battles ,this isn't one

FeckBuggerAndArse · 21/01/2018 17:44

Do you honestly never need to swap a weekend?

And why does this swap result in you having your DC 3 weekends in a row but Ex only will have them 2 in a row? When Ex swaps with me we end up both having DC 2 weekends in a row. I’m confused.

If it’s the prospect of you being knackered from no break after 3 weekends in a row that’s making you reluctant to swap could you suggest a reorganising the surrounding weekends so you do get a break?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, my Ex only sees our DC every other weekend too, and it’s frustrating when they can’t organise their lives to fit in with this, it’s hardly a huge time commitment, but, the flip side is that being flexible now means you can ask for flexibility in the future.

I’d look for a comprise that allows him to go on holiday, but doesn’t stitch you up for 3 weekends in a row.

Missuseff · 21/01/2018 17:47

I’m a veteran stepmum, my DH and I had my SDs EOW and their mum used to be so petty like you about an occasional ask to swap weekends usual due to our work schedules (we both worked, she didn’t), like we were the worst ppl in the world. She’d wind up my SDs and be as obstructive and nasty as possible. Years later, my SDs (now 24 and 25) both have said to me separately how hard it was when they were little and remember when their mum tried to paint herself as the victim and us as the baddies the one time we were “allowed” to swap. They were 5 and 6.

So be very, very careful because kids aren’t stupid and you’re acting like a selfish misery for no reason. Get over yourself. Don’t be THAT kind of co-parent.

FeckBuggerAndArse · 21/01/2018 17:49

Oh, for those who are saying “what’s the big deal of having your DC 3 weekends in a row?” It’s exhausting, that’s the big deal. I’m 100% responsible for my DC for 12 days/nights out of 14, and I am always very ready for the two nights & days of peace, quiet and solitude wjen they go to Ex. But when a weekend gets swapped I have to wait almost 3 weeks for my 48 hour respite, and it may not seem like much of a difference, but it really is.

Alittleconcerned1980 · 21/01/2018 17:51

Single mum here. No support. Yep young children.

100% I would do this.

Why? To be amicable for the sake of the children.

Ellendegeneres · 21/01/2018 17:52

My ex takes extra nights for me when I’m sick, we swap and work things around so we both benefit from our ds time- so his xmas work do, it was on ‘his’ night. The weekend before he had him extra and the next couple of weekends too.

I wanted to go visit family- ex lost a weekend with ds. Ex went on 10day holiday of a lifetime with his gf- missed two weekends of seeing ds- came back and three nights in a row was camped out in my house spending time with ds and I had some time for myself. Just a few examples. We work together to ensure our ds gets time with everyone who loves him- and I happily swap when necessary.

I feel like give and take is what makes coparenting work.

Booboo66 · 21/01/2018 18:03

I think you are being v v unreasonable. A bit of give and take works in everyone’s favour. Once a year is totally reasonable to ask.

Booboo66 · 21/01/2018 18:04

To add, I haven’t had 48 hours of respite in 8 years. I’d love a relationship with my ex that would allow for a bit of flexibility to suit all.

caringcarer · 21/01/2018 18:05

I disagree with the majority. I think being a parent is his first priority. His Mum has him every day and if he has agreed to every other weekend then this is what he should do. She may well need a break if she has him on her own every day for 13 days and really need the 2 day break. As he is parenting every other weekend he could still have 12 days holiday in a row. He is being unreasonable.

viques · 21/01/2018 18:07

Feckbuggerandarse try being a working single parent with no respite at all. I think I could count on one hand the number of child free weekends i ever had.

OP you ARE being unreasonable. MN has spoken.

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