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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

422 replies

MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 06:23

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

OP posts:
Sanguine1 · 20/01/2018 10:29

Have to agree, it’s goid to be flexible as you don’t know when you may need time. Why not take advantage and book a break for yourself without the kiddies, with friends or partner.

Icantstopeatinglol · 20/01/2018 10:29

To be honest you sound a lot like my dh ex. My dh has his dd every Saturday (he wasn’t allowed her through the week) and one time he rang to ask if he could swap days as he’d been invited on a stag do and he was given both barrels! Told he was just a sperm donor etc because he’d had the nerve to approach her (as adults) to ask if he could swap one night. It was ridiculous. This was when dd was about 7, she is now 19 and not in much contact with her dm as she has worked out for herself the things she has done over the years out of spite.
My advice is pick your battles and don’t fight everything! Don’t assume everything is to get at you. People are allowed to go on holiday and at least he’s approached you first to give you warning and an opinion! Remember your child will grow up and learn how things were when they were little and they might not thank you for it.

Shakey15000 · 20/01/2018 10:30

Look, he's not unreasonable to want to have a holiday with just him and his partner. Just like you wouldn't be unreasonable to want that. He's tied to dates due to work commitments so what else is he supposed to do?

Isn't it all about compromise and working together?

It does sound like you're trying to sabotage his holiday with a side order of sour grapes.

MrsMotherHen · 20/01/2018 10:30

You are being petty and childish! Surely you want to spend more time with your son, your acting as in its inconvenient for you.

NotBadConsidering · 20/01/2018 10:49

I suspect the OP is distracted by the legal speak of court orders because that's what she was going to use as the basis of her saying no to her ex.

Notallthat · 20/01/2018 10:51

Sounds very much like you were hoping to force him to cancel the holiday using either your son or the law as a weapon but that will backfire massively on you and I really hope your ex runs this past a solicitor. He has been perfectly reasonable in what he is asking, he is perfectly entitled to just not show up that weekend having explained his perfectly valid reasons to you and no judge in their right mind would side with you on this.
My ex and I haven't and still don't always get on but where our dd is concerned we have a completely flexible arrangement, we both work and we both have other commitments but we both have a responsibility to ensure our dd has a great relationship with the pair of us and to a degree that means looking out for his well being too, even when I'd happily run him over. Obviously this isn't the same in all cases but if he's a good dad to your child you need to do whats right for your son.

Froggyonaplate · 20/01/2018 10:52

Sorry op but YABU here in my opinion. I co parent amicably (for the most part) and have discovered that being flexible, being kind and respectful to one another and biting your tongue over the small things are essential in order to provide the best scenario for your child.

Is there a reason you can't care for your son on that weekend?

Lizzie48 · 20/01/2018 10:56

The OP's ex has asked for a swap basically, he would have his DS 2 weekends in a row after his holiday. So he's being perfectly reasonable here.

IrkThePurist · 20/01/2018 10:56

I'm wondering if this is a reverse because IDK any lone parents who complain about having their own kids at home for 3 weekends in a row.

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2018 10:58

You're talking about your child like he's an inconvenience which is pretty grim, first of all.
Secondly if you can accommodate your ex's request why not just do it. He's making up the lost weekend by having him twice in a row. The only one that will suffer if you decide to be a obnoxious is your son. He deserves two parents trying to be amicable.

^^This

You really don't like him, do you? Of course you should swap if you've not booked something yourself.

Naillig222 · 20/01/2018 11:00

I agree with all the others. You are being very unreasonable.
My ex and I swap any time it’s needed. That could be for work reasons or him going on a stag, anything really.
I can’t see your argument at all? Is there a reason you’re being so inflexible?

maximu · 20/01/2018 11:00

You're being petty and I would accommodate the swap - you never know when you might want some flexibility yourself in the future.

alotalotalot · 20/01/2018 11:01

You haven't needed the flexibility so far but you might one day. You may have options to book holidays for non ds weekends but they may not.
Be flexible. A bit of goodwill goes a long way - unless there is a back story that you are not telling us. You may need the flexibility in the future.

Starlight2345 · 20/01/2018 11:01

I suspect your issue is with the g friend as it seems going on holiday with her once a year is the issue .

I have every week end with my Ds and most married couples do although will split activities at times .

I really can’t see what you issue is other than I don’t want to

CosmicCanary · 20/01/2018 11:02

Very petty and unreasonable OP.

ExDH has swapped things around so DP can take me away for a week for my 40th.
I am grateful he is not as spiteful as you.

tenterden · 20/01/2018 11:04

YABVU

If I had a DP who was talking like this I would be very upset as it is clear you are very jealous of your Ex's relationship and are trying to be difficult. You are coming across as spiteful and petty.

I feel very sorry for your DS being caught in the middle of this.

Naillig222 · 20/01/2018 11:05

I’m getting married soon and my ex will take ds when we go on a ‘private holiday’ (honeymoon). It never even occurred to me that he might not swap. It just wouldn’t happen. If I had refused swaps before I’m sure it would be a different situation now though. Pick your battles. This isn’t one.

Qvar · 20/01/2018 11:05

You’re being unreasonable, petty and controlling and I say this as a single parent.

PastaOfMuppets · 20/01/2018 11:05

OP are you listening to the unanimous YABU or do you just want to ignore what you disagree with

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2018 11:05

And don't court orders say that you can't deny 'reasonable requests' for change of days?

And this is reasonable.

AnnaT45 · 20/01/2018 11:11

You're doing this purely to hurt your ex. Don't live your life like this. Take him up on the two weekends away offer and plan some nice things!

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2018 11:12

You're displaying the most petty, stubborn and controlling behaviour here OP.

Do you really think that's going to bode well for your child's future happiness?

worridmum · 20/01/2018 11:14

NannyOgg you are right the default is reasonable requests should when possible be allowed, though they are made more rigid when required but it is the default / standard or it was when i was practicing family law.

mummypig14 · 20/01/2018 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TabbyTigger · 20/01/2018 11:21

Having been in your situation, I would do and have done the swap. It’s much easier to just be flexible for both sides, and for the DCs. Sometimes my DD would ask to do extra days/nights at one house or the other and that would be fine, sometimes DH would swap weekends for his own social events and holidays, as would I. It works much better if you can schedule around life rather than make life evolve around a schedule...