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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

422 replies

MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 06:23

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

OP posts:
SockUnicorn · 21/01/2018 18:59

@MagsRiff as a child of divorce this seriously hurts my heart. your DS i presume loves his dad and yourself. Just bite your tongue and allow it. Once a year is nothing and you may one day need it. Yes you may not plan a weekend away for the weekends you have DS but maybe a new job or life issue will force you into that situation.

QueenUnicorn · 21/01/2018 19:00

YABU.
If it were me I'd take the extra weekend without the swap.
It's not 'unfair' it's your child!

treacle3112 · 21/01/2018 19:02

I’m split with my ex and he has DS10 every other weekend. If he needs to work/go on a ‘private’ holiday then we swap weekends and the same goes for me as well. Partners family mostly live north (4.5hrs drive away) so if we go there for a family members birthday and it falls in his weekend then we just swap. We are really flexible with each other. We didn’t used to be like this he was really rigid with his weekends but he realised over time that he was ultimately looseing out if he had to work or anything and it wasn’t fair on DS. In short I think you ABU

FredaNerkk · 21/01/2018 19:10

Separated mum here.

I have a difficult exH. I have made it clear that I am open to occasional variations. But only occasional. In fact that's what our court order says too. 'Only occasional variations may be requested'. It applies to both of us. I think it's appropriate for the children. Stability is good for them. And it stops either parent hassling the other. But it also encourages a bit of flexibility. The word "occasional" is open to interpretation. But I think it gives enough of a steer. So in your situation, if ExH generally kept to the schedule and only asked for changes occasionally, and I could do the change which he asked, I would say yes regardless why he wanted the change (his life is his business).

Regarding whether father has to turn up. My situation is different from what the other pp said. Our court order is worded as follows: "Children will be cared for my Mum except when they will be cared for by father. Father will care for the children as follows: [days, times listed.........]"
So if he doesn't turn up he is in breach. I think this wording is quite fair and appropriate. He is a parent - he should be there when he is responsible for his children and they are relying on him. If he doesn't, he doesn't deserve to call himself a parent.

If you are feeling quite tired and missing the weekend when you normally recharge is concerning - and I understand how tiring it can be to be primarily responsible for your DCs especially after a divorce - you could ask him to provide some money to support the change so that you can get an extra pair of hands, or a few hours babysitting. That way you can agree to the change he needs, and his holiday just ends up costing a little bit more. If you are simply too tired, just say I'm sorry I can't do that change.

He is taking a risk booking his holiday without checking first with you. Suppose you had something planned on that weekend? Or on the weekend he wants to swap?

ittakes2 · 21/01/2018 19:27

It sounds like you still have unresolved issues with your ex. Is there a reason you would not want your son 3 weekends in a row?

FeckBuggerAndArse · 21/01/2018 19:32

Dipitydoda

“Respite??? Why do you get respite from your child. I’m still with DH who’s the DF of our DS we spend EVERY weekend with him.”

Because when you are a lone parent and you have to do everything yourself with absolutely no help or support and you are the only adult on duty 24 he’s a day, 12 days out of 14, that weekend your DC spends with your Ex is extremely valuable down time. You’re lucky enough to have a co-parent that lives with you, presumably they interact with your DC and you share the domestic stuff as well, which is why you have no idea why a lone parent might need respite. Try and show some empathy.

FeckBuggerAndArse · 21/01/2018 19:34

ittakes2

“...... Is there a reason you would not want your son 3 weekends in a row?”

Because lone parenting is intense and we welcome a break. Is that really so hard to understand??

MrsMcGarry · 21/01/2018 19:37

I separated a year ago. We set up an EOW and every Thursday routine. In the first few months I did have to say no to exdh a couple of times because he still behaved as if the children were my sole responsibility and would email me on a Monday to say he "couldn't" have the kids that Thursday and expect me to pick up the pieces. So I laid down rules that whilst we should both be flexible, our children are our responsibility on the set dates and the other parenst has no responsibility to change those dates, but can choose to do so if asked with plenty of notice.

And it works - we have both asked the other well in advance to cover times when we have other commitments, and have switched times at short notice when things have come up. As long as we ask politely if we can do something and recognise that the other is doing them a favour if they facilitate it I think flexibility is key to a succesful co-parenting relationship.

shelllouise · 21/01/2018 19:38

I think you are BU. My DS is 18 this year. I split from his dad when DS was just under 3. All these years we've made every decision with our DS's best interest at heart. That included doing everything we could to make life easier for each other so we could be the best parent possible for our DS. If we needed to swap weekends and nothing else had been planned it wouldn't be a problem. I've had DS for the last 3 Christmases for different reasons and ex was totally fine even though DS should have been with him. DS went for extra time in the school holidays instead of going for Christmas.
It wasn't always easy but it was what was needed for our DS.

OpenthePickles · 21/01/2018 19:39

Oh, for those who are saying “what’s the big deal of having your DC 3 weekends in a row?” It’s exhausting, that’s the big deal. I’m 100% responsible for my DC for 12 days/nights out of 14, and I am always very ready for the two nights & days of peace, quiet and solitude wjen they go to Ex. But when a weekend gets swapped I have to wait almost 3 weeks for my 48 hour respite, and it may not seem like much of a difference, but it really is

I understand that you look forward to the break when your DC go to your ex...but you really should be able to cope with your DC for 3 weekends in a row.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2018 19:39

OP has a DP. She’s not “entirely alone”.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/01/2018 19:42

I don’t swop days/nights ever if I have an issue which means I need someone else to care for my kids during my time I use paid for services instead of relying on dad BUT that’s because I have about 12 years worth of dad saying yes to a change then not showing up so as a result I’m ridged with the timetable if he wants to not show up for his time the it’s his loss.

But I think in the absence of any real reason not to then YABU but I would be interested in the replies if you started a thread saying you had made plans during your time that required your ex to have your child and meant he couldn’t have him during some of his time to make up for you kissing your time then I think you would have your arse handed to you on a plate

OpenthePickles · 21/01/2018 19:44

She may well need a break if she has him on her own every day for 13 days and really need the 2 day break

Oh come on, seriously it's 13 days, not 13 months. Why are people not able to look after their children on their own for a fortnight without needing a break? I get that people look forward to this break(I would if ex wanted to see DD but he doesn't) but if you have to swap a week here or there, people really should be able to cope with it.

Starlight2345 · 21/01/2018 19:49

I have a child with sn’s . Looked after him since 10 months old his dad never had him overnight . I still think she is been unreasonable

klw777 · 21/01/2018 19:52

I’m willing to bet that many of the posters who say you’re being unreasonable have little experience of what being a single parent really consists of and / or they have some level of familial support...
I would refuse this request. Not because I’d be ‘jealous’ or generally ‘unreasonable’ but because there’s a level of exhaustion you have to experience to understand in having your children, on your own, three weeks solid. Good luck with whatever you decide to do 💐

Louise2092 · 21/01/2018 19:53

I'm the gf in this situation. My partner and his ex really don't get along but we make sure to compromise so that we all get a break. Dp and I had a 2 week holiday without dss 2 years ago but took him to Blackpool for a weekend and some extra days. Last year we took dss on his first holiday abroad and we always have a weekend away the first weekend in November. Ex sometimes disagrees with it but she knows we make sure to do something with dss to make it up to him for going away just the 2 of us. She wanted to visit family over new year without dss so we had him and I looked after him new years day as dp was working. Compromise is what's best for the child. Everyone benefits and dss is 12 and understands that his parents need a bit of adult time to themselves sometimes.

OpenthePickles · 21/01/2018 19:57

I’m willing to bet that many of the posters who say you’re being unreasonable have little experience of what being a single parent really consists of and / or they have some level of familial support

Well no, I'm a single parent - I have family close by but they all work and have their own DCs and busy lives, I wouldn't dream of asking them to take my DC to give me a 'break' every 2 or 3 weeks. As I said, if my ex wanted to take our DCs every 2 or 3 weeks, I'd be delighted but he doesn't (it interferes with his social life, he couldn't even manage the 3 hours a week access that he had) so I just get on with it.

lunar1 · 21/01/2018 19:59

Do you already have fixed plans that weekend?

spanieleyes · 21/01/2018 20:00

Exhausted after having your child on your own for 3 weeks

For heavens sake, how on earth do you think those whose ex doesn't see their children manage! My ex moved over 5,000 miles away when he left, he saw the children once a year if they were lucky ( and they were 3 and 5 when he left)
3 weeks!!!, try having them both for 23 years!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/01/2018 20:05

Exhausted after having your child on your own for 3 weeks

Poor thing, maybe you skipped the memo that children need parental care until they reach adult hood rather than for a few days here and there Hmm

ton181 · 21/01/2018 20:10

Wow its women like you that give us a bad name

Livelovebehappy · 21/01/2018 20:13

Of course it’s all very nice and noble to accommodate your Ex’s requests, but to be honest, some of us have been through hell following the break up of a marriage and it’s hard sometimes not to be spiteful or bitter. It it depends how far someone is into the separation/divorce, and the backstory - is gf the ow, was the divorce a bitter one, is he paying support, etc etc. In the first few years after my divorce I admit I made things difficult for my ex to move from his set weekends with the dc just so he could spend time with gf (ow). I am now more flexible but it took a long long time to get to that stage. It’s all very nice that a lot of people on here are perfect ex’s and perfect parents, but some of us don’t behave perfectly because we’ve been put through the worst emotional upheaval of our life. Yes, op should be flexible, but I also think people should be less judgemental just because they’ve coped better.

Booboo66 · 21/01/2018 20:17

I’m willing to bet that many of the posters who say you’re being unreasonable have little experience of what being a single parent really consists of and / or they have some level of familial support...
I would refuse this request. Not because I’d be ‘jealous’ or generally ‘unreasonable’ but because there’s a level of exhaustion you have to experience to understand in having your children, on your own, three weeks solid.
Gosh, 3 weeks solid! I’ve had mine for 8 years. Both dc are quite full on, dd1 is fairly week behaved but extremely energetic, dd2 is energetic also but very very hard work, neither sleep more than 8 hours a night. Last year Dparents had them for one night (for a wedding that i didn’t really want to go to and was more of a chore than being at home) that’s the only respite I have had. An extra weekend ice a year sounds like such a small deal

Bluelady · 21/01/2018 20:20

Respite? Really?

JanKind · 21/01/2018 20:32

YABVI. Suck it up. He hasn’t dropped a weekend just changed. How lucky you are to have three weekends in a row with your son.