aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

[MagsRiff]

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

Good post livelove

I’m willing to bet that many of the posters who say you’re being unreasonable have little experience of what being a single parent really consists of and / or they have some level of familial support...
OP is not a single mum, she has a partner.

I get where your coming from OP. As mother's in general we tend to plan our lives around our kids so it does seem unreasonable to plan things on the weekends he should be having DS. Before you say no ask yourself this:
If you needed to swap a weekend, would he do it?
If (like my XH1) he'll would freeze over before he did you a favour then say no.

My youngest DS spends the 3rd weekend of the month with his dad, but because of DS's activities and XH2 work or social life (sometimes even my social life ) we have switched weekends. If your are flexible then he is more likely to be .

livelove I think many would see where you’re coming from but I think from the tone of the op this isn’t the case. Perhaps if it was and she was honest in her post then many would empathise with her situation - she’d probably still get the same advice to be flexible but it would come from another angle.

klw777 a large majority of us that have commented are single parents.

My ex used to see our DD eow on EITHER Saturday or Sunday, no overnights. Funnily enough I coped with parenting my child for 365 nights on the run year in year out.

OP I know this thread is prob a killer to read, but listen to the wisdom of all these voices. We all parent differently, and you need to put aside your personal feelings and do what's best for your child. Its best for your child, for mum and dad to cut each other a break, act with pragmatism and kindness, and I believe your child will respect you for the way you handle your relationship with his dad. You reap what you sow.

“OP is not a single mum, she has a partner”

MagsRiff does your partner live with you or are they non-resident?

(I suspect OP has stopped looking at this thread due though)

so OP has done a runner. The idea of co-parenting amicably was clearly too much. What a shame.

Dealing with one similar over the last few years I have often wondered what can be done to avoid this? Clearly court would be a nonsense, mediation is voluntary and non-binding. Is there room for a middle ground - binding agreement for these petty issues that can affect our children's lives. Any other constructive suggestions?

If the only reason you are not 'allowing' it is due to spite, which is how it sounds, then YABU. If you love your children then you should treat their other parent cordially. Even if you have a negative history, especially actually as you can use this as a Turning point & for leverage in the future for yourself.

Hope you manage to work it out amicably OP

My husbands ex affords is NO flexibility to the extent that their children have missed out on many things. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Someday you might want a swap to go away with or without your child and you'll be glad of flexibility then.

I utterly despair of separated parents who hold views like OPs.

You are TOTALLY out of order.

What planet is your brain on ?

I am not sure why you would be complaining about having your child 3weeks in a row. Most separated parents would love this. Unless, you genuinely can't, I would agree to it. You might need to swap sometime in the future.

Ah didn’t see that. My single parent tiredness meant I read it quickly. Thanks!

@grooovylass
It’s not just about being a single parent. You can be a single parent and have great support from your family, a Mum who comes over several times a week or friends who take it in turns with childcare. Or you can be a single parent with little to no support..

Sorry, I think ybu. He's not ringing you on a Friday to say he can't do a weekend, he's asking you politely if you could swap so he can go on holiday. I imagine as you ds gets older you'll need to do these swaps too. Don't be unreasonable now.

klw777 I can't speak for any other pp but I had very little help when my DD was young. My DF died before she was born and my DM died when she was young but was too ill to have her often. My DB and SIL would occasionally have her overnight, maybe once or twice a year. DD has ASD and couldn't cope with the chaos of 3 young cousins. So yes, I was a "lone" single parent and I just got on with it because I had no choice.

When DD did go to my ex for the day it would change between Saturday or Sunday and we'd sometimes swap weeks. If either of us asked for this then the other would oblige where possible. We did this despite not getting on with each other at all because it was the best thing for our daughter.

And when you want him to cut you some slack and he won't, will you be starting a thread on here asking AIBU to expect my ex to vary access arrangements to suit me?

Of course you won't.

Set a good example to your child and accommodate your ex by being reasonable and tolerant - probably a new pleasure for both of you.

Yabvu my ex is a massive twatwaffle but I’d still swap a weekend if needed.

I've seen a lot of similar situations, borne from spite and underlying acrimony. How sad for the children involved in these sorry situations. As soon as my ExH met his current wife, they had many long weekends and holidays as long as six weeks! And I have always been more than flexible. Our children are not bartering tools, why on earth would any mother think this was a problem? It is not about you, or him and your tally chart on who has when, it is about nurturing your child as an adult, and putting your differences aside in their best interests.

Yes I think you are bu. to go for a week or 10days holiday you would have to miss a weekend. So you need to be a bit understanding. My dd goes to her dads every other weekend. I’ve just asked him to swap weekends in February as I want to go away with my friends for a weekend in Edinburgh. He’s fine about it because when he asked to swap a weekend before Christmas, I had no other plans and said that’s fine. There’s no need to be bitter or childish, being mature about things is better in the long run. If you have no plans for that weekend then, why not swap?

My ex and I don’t get on amazingly, but we swap weekends all the time. Sometimes for his benefit, sometimes for mine. I’m a single parent with no support from family; that flexibility with each other makes life so much easier for everybody! Definitely pick your battles, and avoid this one if you can.

Is it a problem having DS 3 weekends in a row ? At least he sees his son on a regular basis. I’m afraid you need to accommodate now and again, you never know what’s round the corner you might need his help one day

I agree with everyone Op I’m afraid....another YABU here.
You might need his flexibility one day too. Why make the situation more difficult?

I think you need a bit of flexibility towards holidays to be honest
I think you should no matter what your feelings are for your ex allow it