Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

422 replies

MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 06:23

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 21/01/2018 18:11

Totally unreasonable.

thethoughtfox · 21/01/2018 18:15

Either you are jealous or you are annoyed at having your son for 3 weeks in a row. Neither paints you in a positive light.

FeckBuggerAndArse · 21/01/2018 18:15

viques

I am a working lone parent. I often end up working on the weekends my DC spend with their dad, reducing the ‘break’ I get from them being with him. I’m really sorry you get no breaks or respite at all, but that doesn’t mean others should veto theirs.

MagsRiff, do this swap, once a year isn’t unreasonable (mine swaps several times a year, it’s annoying and messes with my Autistic DC’s need for routine, but it’s not the end of the world) but ask for a swap that doesn’t result in You getting no respite for 3 weekends.

IHaventStoppedCravingYet · 21/01/2018 18:19

I would have no issue with this. My DS sees his dad every other weekend also but we are both with other partners and have no issue swapping weekends to accommodate each others lives. I make sure my DS is clear on arrangements and it’s really no bother. It’s important he sees his dad as much as possible (and he also wants to!) and I do everything I can to facilitate this but swapping one weekend to another is not an issue and an 8 year old should be able to understand the longer than usual gap and also speak to / text his dad in between if he wants

Dipitydoda · 21/01/2018 18:21

Respite??? Why do you get respite from your child. I’m still with DH who’s the DF of our DS we spend EVERY weekend with him. If we ever split up I’d be bloody ecstatic to get some more time with DS!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/01/2018 18:22

@MagsRiff - surely it is better for your child if you and his father can act in a civilised fashion towards each other?

You can refuse to be flexible if you want, it this will not help to create a good working relationship between you and him as parents, and the only person who suffers in that case is the child in the middle.

So yes, I think you are being very unreasonable.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/01/2018 18:26

If contact is court ordered, then a lot of people make the mistake that 'the court has ordered dad to have contact EOW - when in fact the opposite it true. The court has in fact ordered the resident parent (normally mum) 'to make the children available between xxx hrs and xxx hrs. There is no 'obligation' . If he simply didn't turn up, then he has done nothing wrong. If you retaliate by refusing contact the next weekend- you will be in trouble for breaking the order

If the contact is ordered EOW and he elects not to show up she only has to make them available the next time he’s due to have them, she’s under no obligation to swop.

Thebluedog · 21/01/2018 18:27

YABVU I dont see what’s wrong with being flexible, you’ll show your dc that you and your exh can do the right thing by him AND each other. Plus it may come and bite you in the arse. There maybe an emergency or a weekend you want and he’ll turn round and say no. We’ll Then have a thread about him BU and inflexible Confused

I’m a lone parent and we very frequently swap weekend to accommodate our social lives outside if the children and it’s never done them or us any harm

Lillithxxx · 21/01/2018 18:33

My ex doesn’t have our children regularly - he refuses to let me have his shift pattern and arrangements are (on a Tuesday) ‘I’d like to have the boys this weekend’. Be glad your ex isn’t this much of a police officer arsehole and stop being so petty.

mum11970 · 21/01/2018 18:34

I can’t understand why you would be so petty as to refuse to swap. You better hope in the next 8-10 years there is never a holiday, party, Christmas or illness that ever requires you to ask your ex for a favour because you’ll get a resounding no and it’ll be your own damn fault.

Allthebestnamesareused · 21/01/2018 18:36

Pick your battles.

There may a time when you need him to have your DS so that you can do something similar or go into hospital or ... all sorts of reasons.

It is better to show your DS that you and your ex can be civil and helpful to each other rather than at loggerheads and in battle.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 18:37

Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

I always swap weekends when it’s necessary for the social life of me, ex or the DC. And we aren’t even on good terms!

MaggieS41 · 21/01/2018 18:40

Still not listening!!! Why wouldn’t you dream of ever doing the same? My DH and his ex do it often and one of the things it has done is actually improved their relationship and not affected their DS in any way. If anything DS has learnt the importance of being flexible, amicable and respectful.

Take a chill pill love - you’re definitely BU.

ohh · 21/01/2018 18:40

I have experience and completely agree that you shoukd pick your fights carefully. If it is not going to cause upset to the child then agree to do it. 12 years divorced ex. Happily remarried 5 years. Thinking of you I know it's difficult.

iamyourequal · 21/01/2018 18:41

I think YABU OP. I agree with this:
thethoughtfox

Either you are jealous or you are annoyed at having your son for 3 weeks in a row. Neither paints you in a positive light.

MaggieS41 · 21/01/2018 18:41

Oh and I bet your DP wouldn’t mind a ‘private’ holiday... but you sound like a control freakHmm

bananaberyl · 21/01/2018 18:45

If my exH wanted to swap a weekend, I would LOVE an extra weekend with my DS.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 21/01/2018 18:45

Work with your child’s father. You may need him to be flexible one day in the future.

Jeeez, so many mums have no contact with their child’s dad and you’re getting aerated because your ex dares to have a real life too.

ScienceNut · 21/01/2018 18:50

I think yabu but you also appear to not be interested in anyones answers as they don’t back you up.

One wonders the point of asking!

perfectstorm · 21/01/2018 18:51

I don't understand why you wouldn't be flexible to help your child's other parent out. I mean, your son spends time there. If the partner resents you, that's bad for your child. If they don't have a holiday then they will be less relaxed, and that's bad for your child. Where's the sacrifice, given you have a partner yourself so it isn't as though you are the lone adult in the household, with all the pressures that entails. And your son isn't a toddler, is he. He's 8. So care for him isn't relentless drudgery; he's in school most of the week.

Why be difficult for the sake of it? Why not be reasonable and work to make things easier, in the hope that works both ways? Even if he's a raging arse, there's no need to be one back.

And given you assumed a parent who doesn't bother with contact could be in breach, rather than the duty being to make available, then presumably there's commitment and consistency present.

This just seems like trying to buy problems, when you get plenty given to you in life for free.

Ladylisa · 21/01/2018 18:52

Yes you are being unreasonable
He’s entitled to a holiday
You may need him to be flexible in the future and when he won’t accommodate you, because of this, you’ll be moaning on here
You need to put your child first, it sounds like you don’t want to have your child for 3 weekends in a row
You need to get your priorities in order!

mumof2sarah · 21/01/2018 18:54

Swap it, by sounds of it you have a good routine with your DC and he keeps to it!

Julie8008 · 21/01/2018 18:56

YABVU, he is allowed to have one holiday a year. Sounds like you are jealous of his new girlfriend and saying no out of spite.

If you force him into this corner expect him to retaliate. He could just say he is not going to be able to make that weekend anyway and there is nothing you can do. When he returns from the holiday he could go to court to get extra contact to replace the weekend he missed due to your unreasonableness. And I think he has a strong case.

Lizzie48 · 21/01/2018 18:56

I don't think the OP is coming back, she's probably hidden the thread.

Justwaitingforaline · 21/01/2018 18:58

Oh for goodness sake, just swap the weekend.

As someone who works really fucking hard to co parent with an ex, it makes me so sad to read posts like these. Pick your battles. You never know when you might need a weekend swap in return. He’s entitled to a holiday without his son as much as you are. One of the perks of being separated parents is being able to do that. Ex DP is having DD for a week while we honeymoon and he’ll miss two weekends worth of contact with her while he goes away.

I feel like there’s much more of a backstory.

Swipe left for the next trending thread