MIL wearing white

[2016mumma]

Hi all,
So I don't drip feed but too long to write it all down...so slight overview incase it's relevant.
My MIL and I always got on brilliantly until my DS was born a year ago, since then she has been opinionated on every decision we make as his parents and if we ask her not to do something she will infront of us go against our wishes, with the excuse of it's what Grandmas do. That's a whole different thread.
We get married in September and yesterday MIL announced she was wearing a off white dress for the occasion. AIBU to be a little hurt by this I believed the etiquette of weddings was only the bride wears white?
I am trying really hard not to take it personally and as a fingers up to me ( although this is something she would do) she always wants to be the centre of attention and will play the victim if ever we try to discuss the way she is with DS.
If I am being reasonable in that it's not the done thing to do, do we say something or keep our mouths shut for the sake of keeping the peace.

If you think she's doing it to wind you up, don't rise to the bait. Honestly. Smile serenely and say how nice her outfit is. Don't let even a quiver of irritation show. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Above all, don't let a thing like this spoil your day, or cloud the run up to it.

2016mumma , what did you say when she told you? Would this help? Go out with your own mum choose out a really becoming outfit, invite milt to come along. Perhaps that will strike some awareness to your miltb that white isn't the best choice. Especially if you go to a shop with good dresses, she may not be able to resist one of them.

Your partner should tell her though since it bothers you, if she still wears white then just ignore it. Maybe your mil really has not ever heard people talking negatively about it?

I haven't read along the thread and I'm sure it's already been said but firstly nobody will mistake her for the bride. Secondly, she will look like she's just attention seeking and she will be the one to come out of it looking silly. I know it's easier said than done, but rise above it. Yes, she's being rude, but don't let it add stress to your wedding day. There will be many battles ahead , I imagine, if this is what she wants to do on your wedding day. Save your energy for those!!! Good luck x

The abisolute last thing you want is for this to overshadow your wedding day- and all the advice about spilling wine, people laughing and pointing, leaving her out of the photos will do that-fun though it might be to contemplate. So you have to sort it out now. First thing-you need to find out whether it really is wedding-y. Off white can mean loads of things. If it is wedding-y you need to have a grown up conversation with her. It is possible she may not have realised, so just saying "Please don't wear that dress-it's honestly not appropriate for someone else's wedding and it would. She me unhappy.. Shall we go shopping together to choose something else?" If she is full on Miss Havisham bonkers and insists then you need to get tough. Say that she really can't wear it. Enlist her other children. But sort it out soon or it will invade your mind to such an extent that the lead up to your wedding will be spoiled. Oh, and if you don't see her very often don't worry about the chocolate before meals. In the scheme of things it doesn't matter unless it's all the time. Pick your battles. But get the dress thing sorted now.

When my friend got married she added a little poem to the invites -
“To keep our hearts happy
and the mood light
Please remember
Only the bride wears white”

It may seem a bit extreme but 4 of our friends from the group had got married the previous summer and at every one of those weddings either the MIL/ SIL or another member of the groom’s family wore white.
One MIL even turned up in a white lace floor-length gown

It’s such bad manners. Would they turn up to a funeral in bright pink ball gown??? No because people are aware of etiquette

I don't think the dress thing needs to be sorted at all. Whatever OP says MIL will paint her as bridezilla and it will go down in family history. It's actually not the OP's business what MIL wears. If MIL wants to make a fool of herself let her.

Only a very insecure person would worry about being upstaged by a women of a certain age in inappropriate attire.

I cannot conceive of giving a toss if my MIL turned up in white. And I agree with pps that she may just be winding OP up. Don't rise to the bait.

No idea why it’s such a drama. I doubt anyone is going to mistake her for the bride

FFS! There are loads of off-White mother of the bride style dresses out there! John Lewis has tons! It's OFF white! Are you that insecure? Is she more of a looker than you? I really feel for MILs. You don't like her and have made that clear - I hope no one makes you feel like that if they marry your child in the future.

“To keep our hearts happy
and the mood light
Please remember
Only the bride wears white”

Cringe. No way am I going to a wedding with a twee poem admonishing guests. Height of vulgarity.

If you have friends who don't know how to behave at a wedding, don't invite them. MILs are a law unto themselves.

I also love the way that on mumsnet any action by a MIL is purely to psychologically torture the DIL - as if the DIL and her demise is the main focus of her life! Washed clothes for you (shrunk them on purpose) wore off white to a wedding (to upstage you) cleaned your house for you (accusing you of being a slattern) baking a cake for a child's birthday (upstaging you) whereas if your own mother did any of those things it would be kind and helpful. No wonder there's a saying about a son being a son until he finds a wife - the poor menz can't take the ridiculous power politics and would be accused of being a 'mummy's boy' if he took his mothers side!

It really wouldn't trouble me. I've seen people in white at weddings (apart from the bride) and never gave it a second thought.
That poem above though "To keep our hearts happy...." - ewww cringeworthy - i would be having a giggle about that.

When i got married, my aunt wore a lacy white dress and matching shrug.

She looked ridiculous and a lot of people told her how inappropriate it was.

It bothered me at the time, but looking back i can laugh about it. However, my aunt isnt in any wedding pics whereas your MIL will be!

It does need to be sorted because it’s making the OP unhappy.

And it might be something that can be sorted really easily, if we assume cock up rather than conspiracy.

OP, I think we've established that mil is in danger of looking like a right idiot if she goes ahead with the white dress. I don't think it's going to reflect badly on you at all. If anything, people are likely to be a lot more sympathetic to you because of it. I can understand why it would upset you though.

In my experience, the bride, DM and DMIL usually liaise regarding what to wear, with the groom's mum waiting for the bride's mum to buy first, so she doesn't clash. This is done out of courtesy and respect. (There is a pecking order: 1. bride 2. mob 3. mog.) People who don't do this are telling you how they are going to handle situations moving forwards, which is something you might want to think about.

Overall, I don't think you should have to give this another moment's thought. Your mum or MOH or DP should deal with it now. I'm sure someone can tell her straight without starting ww3. You don't even need to be involved.

That said, just in case, I would alert the photographer to ensure you get lots of photos that work for you. (Personally, I love the idea of photoshopping the colour.)

Get everyone else to wear pure white. Then she'll just look grubby

When ExH and I got married ex mil told me she was wearing a silver dress. Didn't really think much of it thought it would be like a silvery/grey. On our wedding day what it actually turned out to be was a (very slightly) off white strapless sweetheart neckline lacy dress just below the knee!! the type one might wear if getting married for the 2/3rd time and slightly more mature. Everyone was horrified but I said nothing and she ended up being told to leave for different reasons. But that's a whole other thread 😂😂

YANBU OP. When I got married my SIL wore white trousers and a white see through top with a white see through bra underneath with gold sequin stars on the bra.

Quite a few of the guests were sniggering and laughing at her and the exact same thing is going to happen to your MIL.

My MIL tried the same trick for her dd wedding and got told no so when we sent out the invitations for ours it said please do not wear plain white or cream outfits. She didn't but she did wear a short inappropriate outfit but that was to be expected

This wouldn't bother me, who cares what she chooses to dress in?

I never get the bride wanting to be the centre of attention and moaning about what guests do though as the point of a wedding is about exchanging vows not being a princess.

Adding a note to invites or an horrendous poem is really awful, I wouldn't bother going if I saw that on an invite as would assume the bride was a very OTT bridezilla.

All you need to do is ask your mum to liaise regarding her own dress not clashing with MIL. I'm sure she'd do the arching of eyebrow etc and if mil still goes ahead after knowing it's bad etiquette then she'll look the fool, and you'll have the high ground and the opportunity to photoshop her into the colour of your choice!

My mil turned up to my wedding wearing of white, I was wearing ivory....the photos of me and dh, with mil and fil looked like a bloody double wedding...

I was pissed but she was already there so nothing I could do. If she'd said it beforehand I'd definitely have mentioned it.

does it really matter - at our wedding I wore ivory, my mum AND MIL wore a sort of off white colour -

worse was SM who wore Fuchsia and really stood out, so wasn't in many of the pictures we chose for our album, but that didn't really matter either to be honest as it is in the wardrobe.

Never understood this. She won't stand out, she won't outshine the bride or be mistaken for her.

Personally I would let her crack on. If anything it will make her look like a bit of a dick.