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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wearing white

415 replies

2016mumma · 19/01/2018 19:33

Hi all,
So I don't drip feed but too long to write it all down...so slight overview incase it's relevant.
My MIL and I always got on brilliantly until my DS was born a year ago, since then she has been opinionated on every decision we make as his parents and if we ask her not to do something she will infront of us go against our wishes, with the excuse of it's what Grandmas do. That's a whole different thread.
We get married in September and yesterday MIL announced she was wearing a off white dress for the occasion. AIBU to be a little hurt by this I believed the etiquette of weddings was only the bride wears white?
I am trying really hard not to take it personally and as a fingers up to me ( although this is something she would do) she always wants to be the centre of attention and will play the victim if ever we try to discuss the way she is with DS.
If I am being reasonable in that it's not the done thing to do, do we say something or keep our mouths shut for the sake of keeping the peace.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 19/01/2018 23:45

no one battered an eye

Where in this thread has no one battered an eye lid? Have you read it?

bunbunny · 19/01/2018 23:50

Get your dh to talk to his brothers before his mum can get to them and effectively nobble them first... Get him to 'ask their advice' - say that even he knows now that it's not the done thing to wear white to the wedding unless you're the bride and that he thinks it's going to be creepy weird seeing his mother in a wedding dress at his wedding plus he is worried that other people will be laughing at her or think she is being rude or ignorant or bitchy turning up in a white dress.

And that what do they suggest he does because she seems really touchy about the wedding at the moment and while he is sure she is not doing it deliberately to hurt you both keeping his crossed fingers hidden at this point he suspects that if he does mention it she will deliberately wear it just to prove a point. So do they have any good ideas (any liked oh's that could have a word?) as to what could be done about the situation?

At worst if you/he says something and she runs to the brothers at least they might stick up for you rather than agree with her...

ScrambledSmegs · 20/01/2018 00:04

My MIL wore an off-white dress with matching shrug/jacket thing and a nice hat to our wedding. No one remarked on her outfit apart from to say how nice she looked, which she did.

Are you absolute sure she's gone for something inappropriate? It might be more suitable than you think, despite the colour.

Toadinthehole · 20/01/2018 01:08

Cantspell2

Fwiw, I think your source is incorrect.
In European culture, brides were married on any colour until the c19. Black, however, has been the common colour of mourning for centuries.

TemptressofWaikiki · 20/01/2018 01:27

2016 Mumma, your wedding isn’t till September. So much could happen by then. For her to mention the outfit so far in advance, this is an attempt to wind you up. Don’t rise to her petty provocations. Cross that bridge when you come close to it. If it still bothers you and she really does go ahead with it, well, wine, chocolate, ketch-up, brown sauce all love a white dress. And keep her out of wedding photos, or have the photos photoshopped to make her very blurred. Safe your energy for what other battles might lie ahead.

Cantspell2 · 20/01/2018 01:27

Toad a common misconception
www.bridesmagazine.co.uk/planning/general/miscellaneous/2017/why-do-brides-wear-white
artofmourning.com/2016/01/13/mourning-fashion-in-white/
Google will give you hundreds of hits on the history of weddings dresses and colours of mourning if you still think I am incorrect.

TooManyPaws · 20/01/2018 01:32

It might be confusion with the fact that white was a traditional ROYAL mourning colour hence ROYAL brides not wearing it - more likely to be encrusted with jewels.

Mary Queen of Scots was painted in white widow's weeds after becoming the widowed Queen of France. Queen Elizabeth had her entire wardrobe by Norman Hartnell redone in white for a state visit to France in 1938 after her mother, the Countess of Strathmore, died and it was thought that everything black was not appropriate for the visit.

Cantspell2 · 20/01/2018 01:44

No read my second link. It is quite a good history of mourning clothing.
White with black trim, white mourning caps and veils and by Victorian times we get to a full year of mourning black. It was not just for royalty.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 20/01/2018 01:55

My mil wore a white skirt suit to my wedding - she looked ridiculous and tbh it set the tone for our relationship once married - she’s a nightmare. It was def deliberate - who doesn’t know not to wear it?!
Agree with your oh talking to his brothers then her.
Tbh though I would just try and distance yourself from her as much as possible

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 20/01/2018 01:55

She’ll never be a positive influence on your life

Goodasgoldilox · 20/01/2018 01:57

I don't think you need to worry about being outshone at your wedding. A happy bride is what everyone will be there to see. You will be beautiful and it will be your day. The colours worn by anyone else will be of brief interest.

Perhaps - as a kindness to her - you should mention the tradition of not wearing white. It looks (from this thread) as if many people might disapprove of her and make her time at the wedding less enjoyable. ( You can reassure her that you don't mind at all - why would you?)

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 20/01/2018 01:59

Cant spell I don’t think anyone really cares what the convention was pre Victorian times!

Kitty610 · 20/01/2018 02:01

I can’t believe all the comments about how to embarrass/upset MIL, going NC, using the baby as a way to control her...

My MIL wore white to our wedding but it had no impact on our day whatsoever. You will clearly be the bride and you should be having far too much fun to even care about those minor details.

Cantspell2 · 20/01/2018 02:08

And I don’t durpose anyone realy cares what someone wears to a wedding.
If the soon to be mil is doing it to wind you up or attention seeking then the best thing to do is not to react. If she tells you her outfit is off white just say that’s nice and move on.
You can’t change how someone else behaves but you are in charge of your reaction.

OlennasWimple · 20/01/2018 02:15

Let her wear whatever she wants, and don't go down the route of "accidentally" ruining her dress. That will only serve to ruin your wedding day

Focus instead on the bigger stuff, like clear boundaries around what she can and can't do with your DS, without giving her more ammunition to use against you

KC225 · 20/01/2018 02:30

Does she have the dress already? Sneak in and stain it with something that won't notice in til nearer the day. Like a yellow neon marker pen or spray a bit of bleach on it. Industrial sabotage is what she'll understand.

Lweji · 20/01/2018 02:41

no one battered an eye

Thank God. A battered eye is a sad thing. Especially at a wedding.

TooManyPaws · 20/01/2018 03:14

I prefer to get my history of clothing out of academic subject histories rather than pulp magazines.

I think the off-white of the MoG's outfit really depends on the style and elegance. Some would look superb and not at all clashing with the bride while others, well...

Absofrigginlootly · 20/01/2018 04:57

OP your DH needs to read the book Toxic parents. You need to read the book Toxic inlaws.

Also google the website daughter's of narcissistic mothers - there's a good section on narcissistic grandmothers.

I wish you lots of luck for your future but I think you're in for a bumpy ride. You need to be strong as a couple with firm boundaries. Especially when it comes to your baby.

Unfortunately in my case myself and DD had to go NC with PIL and DH is LC with them (complex situation involving more than just "Toxic behavior") and we are very careful about keeping my own parents at arms length (luckily we live overseas which helps a lot)

Absofrigginlootly · 20/01/2018 04:59

Ps, DHs brothers = classic flying monkeys (google it)

theForeigner · 20/01/2018 05:23

No one will notice. Let it go.

I assume you're worried about your wedding or having second thoughts if this is really troubling you.

BattleCuntGalactica · 20/01/2018 05:24

Here’s the thing - whatever you do or don’t do, she’s going to end up being the centre of attention which is blatantly what she wants.

Demand she doesn’t wear the dress - she will have a tantrum and create a scene with your DH’s side of the family and be the centre of attention.

If she wears the dress, people will stare and make comments but she will still get the attention she wants.

If she wears the dress and you wear something different than you’d planned, she will get the hump, have a tantrum at your wedding and be the centre of attention.

Her being deliberately shitty and ignoring your wishes with regard to not stuffing your child full of sweets is twofold; she is showing you she doesn’t care if she pisses you off because she thinks she’s more important, and because he’s relatively new on the scene, he’s getting all the attention she thinks she deserves.

As someone else said, think about being connected to this family long term. Is it what you want? If your soon to be husband won’t 100% stand by you when his mother is being a weapons grade war-minge, then he either needs to step up and DO that, or you might want to rethink things.

MrsDilber · 20/01/2018 05:26

You will know everyone at your wedding and they'll think wtf, like we are now. There is no way she's going to outshine you.

I'd be tempted to have a dig, plant a seed of doubt like ",you're brave, wearing all white to a wedding, especially at your age" or "white is quite a bold choice for a lady getting on a bit". I couldn't help myself, if she's as much of a cow as you say she is.

Rawesome6 · 20/01/2018 05:41

Say nothing, let her wear it and others will judge.

But...get the photographer to airbrush the photos to colour her dress in.

Say nothing about why but if asked say "I didn't want to say ok the day but people were so critical of your dress colour choice, saying it was poor etiquette, it really upset me - I felt so bad for you. I didn't want to be reminded about that every time I looked at our photos. I've tried to pick a flattering colour for you."

Ultimate in passive aggressive I know...and I probably wouldn't do it. I might well get them to airbrush it to a dingy dirty shade and put some extra wrinkles on her face though. Grin

Pannacott · 20/01/2018 06:05

"Oh you won't be embarrassed about wearing off white? That's seen as what women do if they're struggling that they they won't be the centre of attention. Competing with the bride. People laugh at them and feel a bit sorry for them. You did you know didn't you?"

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