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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wearing white

415 replies

2016mumma · 19/01/2018 19:33

Hi all,
So I don't drip feed but too long to write it all down...so slight overview incase it's relevant.
My MIL and I always got on brilliantly until my DS was born a year ago, since then she has been opinionated on every decision we make as his parents and if we ask her not to do something she will infront of us go against our wishes, with the excuse of it's what Grandmas do. That's a whole different thread.
We get married in September and yesterday MIL announced she was wearing a off white dress for the occasion. AIBU to be a little hurt by this I believed the etiquette of weddings was only the bride wears white?
I am trying really hard not to take it personally and as a fingers up to me ( although this is something she would do) she always wants to be the centre of attention and will play the victim if ever we try to discuss the way she is with DS.
If I am being reasonable in that it's not the done thing to do, do we say something or keep our mouths shut for the sake of keeping the peace.

OP posts:
TracyBeakerSoYeah · 20/01/2018 17:51

Considering the birth of your son story, I think you've got more to worry about than simply MIL wearing a white lacy dress to your wedding.
You do realise 2016mumma that she's going to post photos of the wedding on Facebook during the ceremony & at the reception!
Your DH to be needs to nip this in the bud by either telling her not to post photos of the wedding on FB (preferably in front of witnesses) & or confiscate her phone/camera on the big day.
Or uninvite the wagon.

beehive74 · 20/01/2018 17:52

I had similar issue.. But from fil. Married in Dominican Republic, I was in white only guests were both sets of parents. Both mothers wore navy or black, ex hubby and dad wore black tuxedo's... Turns out fil forgot to pack his black one and wore a white one.. Wedding pics looked ridiculous... He was my nemesis throughout the marriage.

Maireadplastic · 20/01/2018 17:53

If not you could ask all the guests to wear - say, shades of blue or some other colour request.

No one will ever tell me what to wear!

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 20/01/2018 17:53

Don't feed her. Just put on your best June Whitfield voice and say "that's nice dear." The lack of attention will hopefully cause her to get bored of it before September.

I would seriously consider a knockout designer dress in a beautiful colour, perhaps something detailed and sparkly. She will look overdressed and peculiar, you will look elegant and sophisticated.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 20/01/2018 17:54

Considering the birth of your son story, I think you've got more to worry about than simply MIL wearing a white lacy dress to your wedding.
You do realise 2016mumma that she's going to post photos of the wedding on Facebook during the ceremony & at the reception!
Your DH to be needs to nip this in the bud by either telling her not to post photos of the wedding on FB (preferably in front of witnesses) & or confiscate her phone/camera on the big day.
Or uninvite the wagon.

intrigued2018 · 20/01/2018 17:55

I completely understand, my BIL’s girlfriend decided on a white outfit at mine and DH’s wedding last year... I felt the same!

I ended up speaking with my MIL who got my BIL to kick up a fuss and say she wasn’t allowed to wear it! The BIL had already told her no but she ignored him, so he ramped up the anti and soon enough she wasn’t wearing the white dress.

Maybe get your DP to speak to one of his brothers and get them to convince her a white dress isn’t a wise idea!

I hate causing friction, but it’s your day not hers and so don’t just leave it! Otherwise on the day you will get annoyed instead of enjoying the most amazing day!!! Good luck x

BeyondThePage · 20/01/2018 17:55

people really are mean on here - dripping /dropping stuff on her because she wears a dress the wrong colour - without the OP having actually said "Don't wear it" she's not bloody psychic.

bad etiquette? if you believe in that sort of restrictive covenant placed on you by "tradition".

Some of us just get married.

BertrandRussell · 20/01/2018 18:08

I can remember a thread recently where the overwhelming majority thought a tiny minority of us were completely ridiculous to think you shouldn’t wear black to a wedding. It wasn’t a MIL wearing black thoughGrin

OP-talk to her. Find out what colour the dress actually is. If it’s proper bridal, ask her not to wear it. Unless she is completely bonkers, she won’t. If she insists she’s going to, enlist her other children.

flutterworc · 20/01/2018 18:08

My MIL rocked up to mine, having told us only that she was trying to get something in ‘the right purple’, in a white damask trouser suit and a white fedora with a big purple feather in it. And sunglasses. She looked like a lunatic, as referenced by everyone who looks at our wedding pics for the last 14 year. Don’t worry OP. If it is going to honestly upset you, say something - otherwise let her get on with it and your guest will do the rest...

XmasInTintagel · 20/01/2018 18:14

bad etiquette? if you believe in that sort of restrictive covenant placed on you by "tradition".
Well weddings ARE about tradition, and the couple getting married having a special day really. And the thing with only the bride wearing white is just sensible, so that she stands out, and won't be upstaged by a random guest.

But as others have said OP, given her age she'll just look a bit daft and confused - if they dont know her personally, most of the guests will likely see her as a bit batty and steer clear of her.

My MIL wore a very old brown skirt and top to our wedding, and commented several times that she couldn't afford new outfits 'all the time'. She had lots of clothes which were nicer and newer, and generally made a big effort with what she wore. I don't know why she did it, but everyone ignored it, and thats what I think you should do. Think of your MIL as a bit misguided, and treat her with (annoying) sweetness and kindness on the day.

Treacletoots · 20/01/2018 18:15

Oh lord! Ffs. My MIL was no issue but my own mother actually said - out loud.. "I know people care about what the bride's wearing, but what they really want to know is what the MOB is wearing" .

Was she invited to my second wedding. F*# NO!

On your problem. I feel a power struggle arising, if you don't nip this in the bud now with a powerful pair of secateurs she'll continue to behave like this to see how much she can push you. Put your foot down and say she knows full well it's incredibly bad taste and if she goes ahead she won't be welcome. End it. Now.

Original poster
2016mumma · 20/01/2018 18:25

Thank you for all your messages.
Obviously this is about more then the dress colour and there are some major underlying issues between us. That unfortunately will come to a head soon ( I am biting my tongue more and more and it won't be long before I tell her exactly how I feel, I just need to pick my battles) She feels that as head of the family we should do as she wishes and that includes with DS. I wanted to check that I wasn't BU and over sensitive given everything else that has happened.
DP agreed something has to be said, he is going to leave it until she brings it up again (which won't be long) and then just say you can't wear white to a wedding Mum, the only person wearing white should be the bride.
The dress is question is a white lacy dress, that could pass as a wedding dress, that wouldn't look out of place at a 2nd wedding 😩

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 20/01/2018 18:35

2016mumma please also, both you and DP, stop the behaviour towards your ds that she is excusing as 'what grandma's do', it's not it is sneaky and deliberately designed to undermine you and curry favour with your ds.

fizzingwhizbee · 20/01/2018 18:51

My husband’s cousin wore a white dress with a huge, puffy white skirt to my wedding.

She got so many shitty looks from everyone there.

If your MIL wears it, she’ll be a laughing stock anyway

buttfacedmiscreant · 20/01/2018 19:45

Any argument you ever have with her ever again can be won with a simple head tilt and twinkly "well what do you know, you wore a white dress to your son's wedding

haha

ton181 · 20/01/2018 19:58

Wow I thought my MIL was bad but yours to be pips her. Good luck with everything

RidingWindhorses · 20/01/2018 20:23

The dress is question is a white lacy dress, that could pass as a wedding dress, that wouldn't look out of place at a 2nd wedding

Hehe, what a completely goon she is.

If I were your DH I would omit any reference to you and just say 'please don't embarrass yourself by wearing something bridal as MOTB, everyone will laugh at you'.

I'd stick to battles over DS, or rather I wouldn't battle with her over him I'd just state my boundaries and she can go fish.

Peachyking000 · 20/01/2018 20:30

Are you making a speech? You could make a joke about it, to make her look even more daft.

mumonashoestring · 20/01/2018 20:32

The dress is question is a white lacy dress, that could pass as a wedding dress, that wouldn't look out of place at a 2nd wedding

In that case she's going to look like an absolute tit, let her crack on.

OhIfIMust · 20/01/2018 20:32

My MiL was going to wear white to our wedding, but I told her traditionally other people didn’t. She didn’t believe me, so I got her to google it. She then bought a long pale silver dress to wear instead, copied the same bright colour shoes that I had bought, and on the day insisted on telling people her new handbag cost more than my dress, and having a special chair to put said handbag on at the wedding breakfast. I guess what I’m saying is you are not BU, but if someone wants to behave in an odd way at your wedding they may find a way even if you manage to tackle the whole white dress issue! Grin

yoohooitsme · 20/01/2018 20:41

Op - What does that mean - She/MIL is 'head of the family'?

You are not a corporation Grin

MilesHuntsWig · 20/01/2018 20:43

Oh god, ignore her. The attention is what she wants. Would you consider wearing a different colour dress? (Obviously keeping that as a surprise).

MsSquiz · 20/01/2018 20:43

My SIL wanted to wear a dress the same colour as the bridesmaids. When she asked me, I told her I'd rather she didn't as it's the same colour, so she bought it...
I then mentioned it again, and she said "well I've bought it now and I can blend with the bridesmaids"
I told DP (now DH) and he had a word with their mum who spoke to SIL, who then text me to say sorry she had upset me... but she was still going to wear the dress!
It ended up with DH finding the same dress in a different colour, reserving it over the phone, picking it up and delivering at her house, and he had to return the original as she was "too busy"

Some might say she just wanted to be part of the wedding party (because being DH's only sister isn't enough) she was the bloody Vicar performing the ceremony!! And the dress was only for the reception!

(Don't even get me started on the massive hat she wore throughout the meal!) Hmm

Stand your ground OP and get your DP to speak to his mum

Thistlebelle · 20/01/2018 20:44

She had a special chair for her handbag? Oh Smile

I used to work with a woman like that, she was not beloved by her team.

Tistheseason17 · 20/01/2018 20:48

FWIW OP I lent my friend a cream dress to my wedding and no one was looking at her.
In fact a few people said something and I backed her. She was skint and I was more than happy for her to wear it as I adore her.

This is very different. You don't have this relationship with your MIL.

You are right that this is about more than what she is wearing, but.... They will judge her not you!

As yiu said, I also think it will come to a head much sooner so take care of yourself Flowers

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