Please bring me down!

[juddyrockingcloggs]

So, this will be a long one, sorry.

I suppose I'm chuntering on here because I don't want to say all this to my husband because it will get his hopes up too and I don't want to do that to him.

I need some advise to bring me back down to Earth a bit.

I have one son (6 years old) who is the result of 6 rounds of ICSI and immune treatment (clexane, high dose folic, prednisolone steroids) Our infertility issues are as follows - my husband had undescended testicles as a baby and the operation to correct this wasn't performed until he 3 years old, he has an EXTREMELY low sperm count with EXTREMELY low motility and our fertility consultant advised us that because his operation was performed so late this is the reason for his sperm count being so poor. Secondly I have MTHFR homozygous gene mutation, elevated ANAs and also a slight issue with my blood coagulation (sticky blood), I have no other issues with my fertility ie ovulation etc.

Me and my husband have never got pregnant naturally in the 18 years that we have been together.

After having our much longed for son and paying over £50k to get him we have just in the last few years got our head around the fact that we will not be giving him a sibling. We have taken him to some amazing places around the world and materialistically and attention wise etc he is a very lucky boy. He is our world.

For the last 2 years I have been on co-cymprindiol (dianette) for adult acne, about 4 months ago I came off that because I would have needed to by the time I was 35 (October) anyway.

So, I had a period in October as was normal, and at the end of November I had a strange day or two where I had brown bleeding very light and then that's it. Nothing since.

Now, as is always at the back of someone's mind when you would love another baby but knew you would never achieve it I have got 'the feels'.

What I would like to know is before I rush out to buy 80 grands worth of first response tests and building my fucking hopes up all over again for the first time in years, I would like to know if anyone has had first hand success with getting pregnant naturally with such poor fertility? Or do I just slap myself round the face and ignore it.

AIBU to even think that yes miracles could happen and risk sending me down a road that I have travelled so many times with no success. Only to end up heartbroken again.

Just to avoid drip-feeding when I say that my husband has an extremely low sperm count we're not talking low millions or even high thousands, we're talking five or six per sample.

Do I test and risk being destroyed again (because as stupid as it is I'm already visualising an happy ending) or I do just forget it all, wonder where the fuck my period has gone and continue on my merry way.

Sorry for boring you all.

I’ve been there. You can’t help but test, even though, deep down, you know what the result will be. And just because you knew that doesn’t make it any easier. Sending hugs.

Big hugs OP x

So sorry it wasn't the result you wanted op

So sorry OP

After 12 years ttc, infertility, ICSI, multiple miscarriages, clexane injections etc (and one miracle DD) I test when ever I start getting my hopes up just to know the truth before my period turns up and upsets me

I always keep a spare test around just to get disprove what pp called schroedingers pregnancy (I love that )

I've even heard people say "oh at least you don't have to worry about contraception" once they know someone has tried for children and not got there. I think only people who have been in that position know how utterly it fucks with your head not being on contraception, because that tiny shred of hope is still there every time. Counting days on fingers, wondering if you will get your miracle, you know the ones everyone tells you about: oh my cousin and her husband gave up and conceived at 45. She thought she was menopausal etc. It's easier to remain on contraception. At least then you know.

Ah shit

Juddy I’m so sorry love

I know we’re a nest of vipers, and I’m sorry if this thread has upset you by getting your hopes up. But please, if you need us, we’re here x

So sorry

I'm so sorry op

I'm sorry. It must be so hard.

I was reading through this thread really hoping for the miracle to happen. That hope is just a bugger, isn't it? Despite all that our history tells us, there's this little seed of hope that just won't die.
I'm really sorry, OP. I was really hoping for a miracle for you. Be kind to yourself today. And I actually think you SHOULD share it with your husband so you can be sad together because infertility is shit.

I'm still here! We've been stuffing our faces with food we shouldn't have in TGIs before we go to the pictures

I've told DH, he was surprised I didn't say anything but also understanding, in that I didn't see the point in 2 sets of hopes being dashed! He says he is happy with his 'lot', anything else would only be the cherry on the cake and he is right.

No one on this thread has anything to apologise for, the only person who built my hopes up is myself - I have history for that where TTC is concerned, I really should learn hey?!

It's great to see where there has been success when none was thought possible, it gives other people hope that have a better chance than I do and that can only be a good thing. I love that others have had got what they have always dreamed of.

Bodies are fantastic but also stupid, I think they do it on purpose just to keep us on our toes, it would be nice to know where my period has gone, probably show up tomorrow after all this palaver but at least I don't have the 'wondering'.

I remember the sheer desperation that I felt in the days where IVF was the only thing I thought about, it is all consuming and some days I felt like the grief was leaving me struggling for breath. I don't feel that desperation any more and I don't want to ever again, this last few days/weeks has reminded me how it feels but it has also emphasised just how lucky I am, we have a beautiful little boy who knows nothing but love and that makes me happy, also insanely proud but mostly incredibly grateful.

You are all superstars and you have done what I asked for in my original post, kept me on my feet, gave me fab advice and encouragement and a good old handhold.

Thank you x

Ahhh OP - on a thread where we all wanted to give you such encouragement and support you have popped back in and offered us all such wise and comforting words.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend with your lovely family OP. Am sure they both feel overwhelmingly lucky to have you.

Op - you’re bloody amazing. Like seriously I think you’re fab and I don’t even know you

Op - you’re bloody amazing. Like seriously I think you’re fab and I don’t even know you

Seconded.

Thirded

What a stressful day for you x

big hugs xx

the Only good bit of that TERRIBLE film Clockwise is a quote I use quite often

“It’s not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It’s the hope I can’t stand. “

I'm so sorry OP. You sound amazing. Hug and love your boy, he is a miracle. Your last post made me cry! You sound so rational and serene. I also have a DS after four rounds of IVF and felt wildly desperate and lost in grief while going through it, like you. I hadn't thought of that feeling in quite a while until I read your post, and when that thought occurred to me, it made me smile and my heart grew for my DS even more. I too will never stop being so very grateful for all I have.

Norks - I don't think I've seen the film you mention but that quote sent a shiver through me. That's it, that's the feeling precisely summed up in three sentences.

So sorry to hear your news. Thinking of you and wishing you the very best.

Fourthded ...and for you. You're resilience is amazing

OP we must be living the same life! I also have 6 yr old DS, after ICSI. Fertility problems on both sides. This month I was a bit late, got my hopes up. Waited 2 days. Got excited and bought a test. Went home to pee on it but I had got my period instead. Now I have to live with a pregnancy test taunting me from the back of the cupboard, when I had only just made peace with being a family of three. That test is a cunt.

Fellow IVFer here-I don’t even really know what it is I want to say, but I just wanted you to know what a strong, rational way you told your story and how I absolutely empathised with the feelings you were describing so vividly. I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world.

This thread has made me cry. Im going through a gruesome divorce and the sight of my little ones makes the trauma of him being a bad'un worth it. Good wishes to you all.

I know Ed Sheeran and his girlfriend are in their 20s and it's probably unlikely they'll have problems, but when I read this today , I wanted to yell at him. IT MIGHT NOT BE THAT EASY ED! And you have just both announced to the world what your plans are, so if you're not having babies within a few years literally everyone will know it's because you have a problem. The naivety :(