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Original poster

Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

731 replies

lottieandmia22 · 18/01/2018 19:49

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket.

BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures.

What have your experiences been?

OP posts:
blueskypink · 19/01/2018 09:43

My 21 year old student ds commented a while back that, girls always seems to be expect him to pay when they go out. He goes out with other students. He wasn't cross about it - just bemused. Why should a female student expect a male student to pay for her? Confused

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 09:44

I think there is definitely some truth in looking at what a man chooses to spend their money on though. Someone who spends £100s on game consoles but won't pay for a drink at the start of the dating process. I think that speaks volumes about the kind of husband he will be later on.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 19/01/2018 09:45

I think it's a bit weird if both people don't at least offer to pay. I'm not sure I've ever been on a date (okay, that's not true, see below) when I haven't at least offered to pay. Sometimes it's awkward and they have insisted and then it's like fine, but I would feel weird not trying to pay at least. Same with a guy. Even my husband and I generally split the costs of drinks and dinners out and babysitters, not like evenly and anal retentively each time. But usually one of us pays the babysitter one time and the other pays for dinner and then the next time vice versa.

I did once, back when I was single and dating, go on a date with a guy who lived in a city fairly far from me. I was moving to that city the next month so had started doing some OLD there just to see who I might meet before I moved as I thought it would be good to know a few familiar faces. We planned to meet up for drinks once evening. I took the train there 3 hours to meet him and then was going 3 hours late that night. We had a couple drinks and the bill came and the first thing out of his mouth was, 'are you going to put that on your card or pay cash?' Uh....I mean, I have no hang ups about paying for my own drinks, but I had just paid for a 3 hour return train ticket to come see him and I thought maybe he would at least offer to pay for my drink. It wasn't like we had a 3 course meal. Needless to say, we didn't see each other again after that.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 19/01/2018 09:45

I suspect a lot of women would not give a man a second date if he didn't offer to pay

I also suspect a lot of men would not go on a second date if the women came across as so entitled and grabby.

Theresnonamesleft · 19/01/2018 09:47

But what happens User when she's the higher earner? He still pays?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 19/01/2018 09:48

I think there is definitely some truth in looking at what a woman chooses to spend their money on though. Someone who spends £100s on shoes and outfits but won't pay for a drink at the start of the dating process. I think that speaks volumes about the kind of wife she will be later on.

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 09:48

mindutopia you travelled 3 hours to meet someone for a first date?! 😵 no way would I do that in the first place!

OP posts:
Smeaton · 19/01/2018 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 09:48

Pan - that analogy really doesn't work.

OP posts:
worridmum · 19/01/2018 09:49

Why should women get equal pay when for social occansions men needs to spend more aka dating as so many tight fisted woman on here.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 19/01/2018 09:50

lottieandmia22

It’s a simple reverse of your previously stated opinion, and still looks equally absurd.

Kittymum03 · 19/01/2018 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theresnonamesleft · 19/01/2018 09:51

Why doesn't that analogy work Lottie?
Or how about the female spends 100's a gaming but won't buy him a drink.

Smeaton · 19/01/2018 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 09:52

The reason it doesn't work is that, whichever way you look at it men in a marriage still almost always earn more over the course of the marriage and the woman is still nearly always the one who stays at home, looks after the children and needs to be married to someone who isn't going to act like his money is all his because she is still contributing albeit in a different way.

However much of a feminist you are, the above is still for the most part true in 2018.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 09:53

Anyone who spends £100s on game consoles unless it's for their child is a loser imo although I'm sure some people would think that was an unkind view.🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
FluffyWuffy100 · 19/01/2018 09:54

Go halves. Women who want their man to pay for them are pathetic.

Cath2907 · 19/01/2018 09:55

I'd always expect to pay half but if a man offered to pay I'd think it was a nice gesture - I'd still pay half though!

Theresnonamesleft · 19/01/2018 09:56

So because he wants her to pay her own way especially on the first date he's going to be financially abusive?

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 09:57

Most of the posters on here who think the guy should pick up the tab have stated that it's not actually about the money, or about their unwillingness to pay it's about the gesture. And I can see where they're coming from.

I think if the guy pays and you like him and the relationship moves forward you can buy him a nice gift to make things more equal.

OP posts:
MyMarmitePurrs · 19/01/2018 09:59

If a man asked me out on a first date part of me would expect him to pay - but I would offer to go halves and hope out of chivalry he said no! Any subsequent dates I would expect to go halves

worridmum · 19/01/2018 10:00

You do know gaming as a hobby is mainstream and the majority of games are 18 but the myth that gaming is a childs hobby still persists....

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 10:01

Yes when I say child I mean up to and including 21 😂

OP posts:
CurlyRover · 19/01/2018 10:01

I'm pretty sure the first date me and DP went on he paid. Although that was almost 5 years ago so I can't be positive. I wouldn't expect it though. I think after that we went halfs on most things (apart from the time we had a takeaway night and as a student I brought up a £3 bottle of cheapy supermarket wine and him as a professional bought a £20 bottle of port. Blush ) Occasionally before we totally merged our finances he would pay for meals out as he earns more.

I don't think any more or any less of a guy if he doesn't outright offer to pay for the whole thing especially on the first few dates. Why should him being male mean he has to pay? Seems like a very archaic viewpoint to expect it.

BombsAway · 19/01/2018 10:02

A man who assumed I'd appreciate the gesture and cannot pay my own way because i'm female is also likely to assume

  • I want to stay at home and look after children
  • Housework will be my responsibility
  • I will be in charge of sending all birthday cards/Christmas presents
  • I'll like shitty toiletries for Christmas...

Probably not someone i'm going to get along with.

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