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Original poster

Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

731 replies

lottieandmia22 · 18/01/2018 19:49

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket.

BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures.

What have your experiences been?

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 19/01/2018 10:05

I think if the guy pays and you like him and the relationship moves forward you can buy him a nice gift to make things more equal.

Well the elephant in the room here is that obviously that quite a few first dates do not progress to a second date, which is quite convenient for the ‘I will pay next time’ brigade. Internet dating has made it possible to meet and date people way more frequently then traditional avenues of meeting a partner. That can get quite expensive for a man after a while if people like you insist that you don’t open your purse.

Theresnonamesleft · 19/01/2018 10:05

Then there's the woman that go on dates for a free meal. They have no intention of going on a second date.

Look at it this way. When he was single, mate was going on around 6 dates a month. Average of each meal was around £70. Over £400 a month on top of living expenses.

It's not about being tight, it's about peoples finances.

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 10:06

But BombsAway the reality is that women still have to go on maternity leave and still tend to be the ones to stay at home. To say that isn't true is disingenuous really...

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 19/01/2018 10:07

Simple equation.

Person A asks Person B out and Person B says yes. At the end of the date, Person A offers to pay for the date. Person B offers to pay half. Person A says "no, it's fine, I'll get this". If Person B doesn't want a second date with Person A, Person B insists on paying half. If Person B would like a second date with Person A, they say "Ok, but next time is on me" and they do genuinely pay next time.

Doesn't matter what gender.

Never ceases to amaze me on the First Dates tv show how few women even offer to go 50/50 let alone insist on it.

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 10:09

Why would anyone pay £70 for a first date? One thing I have always done if the man insists on paying is certainly not to take advantage by choosing expensive menu items.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 19/01/2018 10:09

lottie And what about those women who don't want children and therefore don't do the maternity and "staying at home" (Christ that sounds so 1950s)?

BombsAway · 19/01/2018 10:10

I'm not sure who goes on maternity leave is in any way relevant to the world of dating.

ShatnersWig · 19/01/2018 10:10

lottie It's very very easy for a couple of drinks and a two-course meal even in a chain like Prezzo to cost £70 for two people. When was the last time you went dating???

AhNowTed · 19/01/2018 10:11

So man buys the first drink, and it's your round. What you sit on your hands and smile sweetly?

Shock
Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 10:11

Well it's a huge generalisation of course. But even in that situation the man will still usually, not always earn more.

OP posts:
BombsAway · 19/01/2018 10:11

By the by, but I know zero stay at home mums amongst friends and acquaintances.

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 10:11

Ah well I never have more than a main course.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 10:12

'So man buys the first drink, and it's your round. What you sit on your hands and smile sweetly?'

Almost everyone has said they dont do that if you read the thread.

OP posts:
Theresnonamesleft · 19/01/2018 10:14

That's you though that doesn't choose expensive items.
Some do because it a free meal and drinks that they feel entitled. I highly doubt if they had any intention of paying, they would go for the expensive stuff.
He tried let's go for a drink in the pub, expensive drinks.
Let's go for a coffee became the go-to option.

He's not tight, but the dating scene pushed him to make these hard choices.

You also see the grabby behaviour on the first dates shows. Oh I've never tried Lobster, seems like an ideal time to try it now.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 19/01/2018 10:15

The reason it doesn't work is that, whichever way you look at it men in a marriage still almost always earn more over the course of the marriage and the woman is still nearly always the one who stays at home, looks after the children and needs to be married to someone who isn't going to act like his money is all his because she is still contributing albeit in a different way

Why are you talking about a married couple? This thread is about who pays on a first date between two single people. The mental acrobatics you are performing to try and excuse a woman from buying even so much as a drink is embarrassing.

Theresnonamesleft · 19/01/2018 10:17

But what about when the woman earns more?
He should still pay out more than her?

BombsAway · 19/01/2018 10:17

But what about when the woman earns more?
He should still pay out more than her?

Apparently yes, because 10 years in the future when she's married to someone else she might be a stay at home mum!

ShatnersWig · 19/01/2018 10:18

I've seen a woman on the dating thread in Relationships state that they never ever pay for a date because the man should be lucky to be going on a date with her and as she's had to pay a fortune for her outfit and make up and hair to look good for him, it's only fair he pays for all dates. And she was absolutely serious.

It's 2018 for Christ's sake.

Onelastpage · 19/01/2018 10:18

Shatnerswig’s equation is what I used to work with. Perhaps slightly unfair as men tended to be the askers (I’m shy - quite frankly it’s a miracle I ended up with DH who is also pretty shy. It took a year!).

But why would you want to owe someone you’ll never see again a meal? It’s a point of pride that I can pay my own way.

The only exception is if someone picks a restaurant where even 50% of the meal is over the other’s budget - but that would be a) crazy for a first date and b)require an awkward conversation beforehand.

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 10:19

I'm not excusing anything. I'm pointing out that

  1. Men generally still earn a lot more than women. Generally. It's a fact.
  1. That equality is not everyone behaving the same way and being treated the same way.
OP posts:
BombsAway · 19/01/2018 10:22

1. Men generally still earn a lot more than women. Generally. It's a fact.

Not in their 20s when many will be at the point they are actually dating

2. That equality is not everyone behaving the same way and being treated the same way.

But equality would be the person earning the most paying, or paying as a percentage of the earnings ratio, not person in possession of a penis pays 100%

ThisLittleKitty · 19/01/2018 10:27

Does anyone actually go on a date for a "free meal"? Surely no one is that hungry?

Chchchchangeabout · 19/01/2018 10:29

No. HTH.

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 10:30

ThisLittleKitty

I think some women sadly do have that mentality. I remember posting a thread about a man asking me to go to a spa for a first date and it put me off him. One poster said just go, you get a free spa outing. Not my style!

OP posts:
formerbabe · 19/01/2018 10:31

A man who assumed I'd appreciate the gesture and cannot pay my own way because i'm female is also likely to assume

- I want to stay at home and look after children
- Housework will be my responsibility
- I will be in charge of sending all birthday cards/Christmas presents
- I'll like shitty toiletries for Christmas

How about this? If he wants and agrees to you paying half on the first date, if you go on to marry and have children he'll also expect you to contribute to the finances 50/50 whilst you're on maternity leave and earning a fraction of what you used to. Then when you return to work part time earning a fraction of what you used to whilst paying for childcare, he'll resent having to bear the increased financial responsibility.

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