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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

731 replies

lottieandmia22 · 18/01/2018 19:49

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket.

BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures.

What have your experiences been?

OP posts:
norfolkenclue · 19/01/2018 07:33

My gob has been well and truly smacked reading this thread Shock. I'm appalled at how many women have double standards here...you do realise that you have just put all the hard (gruelling!) work of the suffragette movement back by about 200 years with your vacuous nonsense about hair and make up!! Split the bill! No 'pretend offering' or internal seething about 'he asked so he should pay' nonsense. Good grief...just listen to yourselves! ConfusedAngry

blueskypink · 19/01/2018 07:37

If he balks at paying for dates, then he will be stingy in other financial, and emotional, ways as well.

Lashalicious - and if a woman balks at paying for dates what does that say about her?

AmazingGrace47 · 19/01/2018 07:37

whoever asks on a first date. Halves if it's an internet date. After the first date, halves. If there is an inequality in earning power, the sort of date needs to take that into consideration, so no expensive restaurants if one party or both can't afford ti.

Theresnonamesleft · 19/01/2018 07:40

The first date, I suggest we meet for coffee. You can still have a chat and see if there's potential before investing more time/money.

I got this from a friend who a few years ago was dating a lot, and he was spending a small fortune on the outdated policy of men should pay. He had to cut back, so started suggesting as the first date, let's meet for coffee. Mixed responses to this suggestion from the outright no, cool, and the ones that met for coffee, and started talking about where should we go for something to eat. Or I could really go for a steak or drink etc. He was always honest and said he was skint. He never suggested meeting for a coffee at a meal time either, but weekends in the middle of the afternoon.

If we get past the first date, then I start to notice more the money aspect. Things like is it always 50/50 or pay for our own, do they tot up every last penny, do they ever offer to buy a spontaneous drink or will it always turn type of situation. Then of course from the general conversations

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 19/01/2018 07:57

Why would I date a man that won't pay when I could date one that would? Most men I've met infact 99% pay. I wouldn't want to date a tight man

Yet in refusing to even offer to pay or open your purse you are the very definition of ‘tight’, don’t you see the contradiction of your position. You come across as grabby, entitled, not terribly attractive.

blueskypink · 19/01/2018 08:02

Totally agree Pan.

treaclesoda · 19/01/2018 08:06

The fact that he's willing to let me pay everything has never boded well when I've continued to see them

But if a man took that attitude he'd apparently be 'tight'.

I think this is the one and only area of life where I have ever thought 'aw, poor men, they really have it harder than us'.

Mycashybear · 19/01/2018 08:19

'm really surprised tbh at how many women claim they would be perfectly happy paying half on a first date. Would you really in reality?

I paid on mine and my DH first date no problem here.

1ndig0 · 19/01/2018 08:37

Maybe things have changed since I was dating then - no idea? I can't remember ever paying on the first few dates, even as a student. I know when I met DH, he would have been embarrassed if I'd insisted on paying all the time. He's not particularly old- fashioned, I don't think. I used to buy things for him or pre-book things do it wasn't totally one-sided, but he would never have let me pay for him in a restaurant and splitting the bill is just awkward.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 19/01/2018 08:38

My first date with my wife was at a nice country pub. I bought the first round of drinks and without any fuss she leapt up and bought the second. Several rounds and many hours later we were getting on so well we stayed for dinner too. We went Dutch, not because I insisted but because she wanted to. She was a partner in a large accountancy firm in the city, had her own home and was about as financially independent as you could get. I was a senior engineer on decent money with my own home. Neither of us had some archaic sense of entitlement.

Generally during my dating days the women who with impeccable timing went off to powder their noses when the bill arrived or would happily nurse an empty glass despite my buying the previous three rounds generally did not get asked out on another date.

AhNowTed · 19/01/2018 08:46

My god the amount of women on here who wouldn't so much as buy a return drink. Bloody hell

NataliaOsipova · 19/01/2018 08:53

I'd be repulsed by a guy who wouldn't let me go halves. I'd never see them again.

Really? Surely it depends on circumstances- that seems very strong.

We went Dutch, not because I insisted but because she wanted to. She was a partner in a large accountancy firm in the city, had her own home and was about as financially independent as you could get. I was a senior engineer on decent money with my own home.

And that's fine. That's how you were both comfortable to play it. But it you're in the situation where a pub lunch doesn't register financially for either of you, I don't see how it would have been any better or worse if one of you had said "I'll get this" and the other had said "Thanks - I'll get the next one". (I'll do this with female friends as well, so I don't think it's a sexist thing either). I don't think there are "rules" for this sort of thing - different people feel more comfortable with different set ups - just look at the interminable threads about bill splitting you see in MN all the time!

Redken24 · 19/01/2018 08:55

I would pay for what I had. And if feeling flush offer to pay for the whole meal.
I wouldn't expect someone else to pay.

formerbabe · 19/01/2018 09:02

I'd be repulsed by a guy who wouldn't let me go halves. I'd never see them again

Really?! If I had a date with a man who agreed to going halves, I'd never see him again. I hate meaness in men. It's not about money....it suggests something about their character.

Smeaton · 19/01/2018 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BMW6 · 19/01/2018 09:08

Well this thread is certainly an Eye-opener. No wonder so many men still regard women as commodities - so many women regard themselves as such.
Shame on you and your hypocrisy Angry

1ndig0 · 19/01/2018 09:14

I don't think anybody sees themselves as a commodity BMW.
Also, equality is a state of mind. If you know you're equal, then you are.

formerbabe · 19/01/2018 09:14

Man agrees to paynhalves = meanness
Woman refusing to pay halves = fine and dandy

I wouldn't refuse to pay halves. I'd offer, if accepted, would pay up. I'd not see him again though.

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 19/01/2018 09:18

The equality thing is interesting. Equality isn't really about everyone being treated the same way.

OP posts:
BombsAway · 19/01/2018 09:22

The equality thing is interesting. Equality isn't really about everyone being treated the same way.

No, but making an assumption on how someone should act based on sex is never equality.

user1490465531 · 19/01/2018 09:25

When men and women are paid equal then we can go halves.
Most men do earn more and I think on a first date a man should pay.
I suspect a lot of women would not give a man a second date if he didn't offer to pay.

BombsAway · 19/01/2018 09:28

Most men do earn more and I think on a first date a man should pay.

I don't even think this is true at the stage in life when many are dating.

TickyTakky · 19/01/2018 09:30

I'm actually a bit shocked by this thread and I've been on Mumsnet for years so I thought I was unshockable 😆

I find it cheap and grabby to expect someone else to pay for you when you go out. Presumably both parties have willingly agreed to go out so why would the woman turn expect to not have to pay.

I also don't understand what is 'gentlemanly' about paying.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 19/01/2018 09:42

user1490465531

You are aware of that ONS report that confirmed that women in their 20s and 30s actually earn slightly more then their male counterparts? The trend then reverses for women in their 40s as they generally take more time out of the work place. So by your logic those 20/30 something women should pay for the date?

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