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Original poster

Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

731 replies

lottieandmia22 · 18/01/2018 19:49

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket.

BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures.

What have your experiences been?

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 19/01/2018 06:11

LadyB49
Very different times from the 60s when the man paid. It's just how it was.

No it isn't/wasn't. My friends and I always paid our way on dates back in the 1960s. I think this thread has slipped into a time warp back to Victorian times.

It's laughable to call yourself a feminist yet expect men to pay for you on dates.

1ndig0 · 19/01/2018 06:27

I'm really surprised tbh at how many women claim they would be perfectly happy paying half on a first date. Would you really in reality?

For me, I would insist on paying at least half if I was sure I wouldn't want to see him again. On the other hand, if I like him and he didn't insist, I would find that a turn-off.

We've been married 16 years, but DH paid for more or less everything when we were dating. He was a much higher earner tbh, but even if he wasn't he would have just suggested things that he could afford or that were free. We got engaged after 7 months and then everything was joint financially anyway, as we saw it.

It was never about the money, it's the mentality.

There are so many women in here - on maternity leave - who say things like, "my husband is giving me money for clothes, how generous is he?!" Er no, you are his wife and you've had his baby Confused. I bet these DHs were the kind of men who never made an effort in the first place.

Undercoverbanana · 19/01/2018 06:29

I am truly amazed at some of the responses on this thread. If you can't afford your side of the bill then you don't go on the date. If you can't afford new boots you don't buy them. If you can't afford to buy a house then you don't.

You don't expect a man to do it for you!!!!!! Dear God.

I have a 19 year old daughter who is at Uni and her boyfriend is working. One of the chats they had before she went off to Uni was that as much as she loved him, she didn't want to lose him because of the financial differences. He drives up to see her every other weekend and they have cheap dates like Netflix and a home cooked curry/cake. You cut your cloth.

Jaxtellerswife · 19/01/2018 06:32

Equal rights for all!!

Except apparently when it comes to paying for dates, then it's fine to be old fashioned and let the man shell out (according to some of these replies anyway)

Donnerkebabbler · 19/01/2018 06:38

Pay equality exists in my workplace and half the board are women. Just thought I’d say that. I’ve always offered halves and it’s always been accepted. I generally earn more than the men I date. I think women who hold onto the notion that men should offer to pay are targeting higher earners who can can provide for them during child raising career breaks, or just treat them to nice things in the early days. I’ve worked for very wealthy men and I know there is a trade off for these women. Not for me thanks!

1ndig0 · 19/01/2018 06:52

Why do people think it's all about the money though? It's not the money, it's the behaviour.

If a man asks you in a date and it's something like, "Oh come to x place and meet me in this pub" and then expects you to traipse off somewhere and buy your own drinks, well what does that tell you? As opposed to a man who will offer to pick you up and put some thought into the evening? Of course women don't want free meals out Hmm, but it's called being a gent and making an effort. I guess you either appreciate that or you don't.

Ifailed · 19/01/2018 07:02

Whoever asks the other out on the first date should be prepared to pay, and it's polite for the other party to offer to contribute. After that, both should be ready to pay their own way, if there's a disparity in income then it would be reasonable for each to pay according to their means.

Anyone who expects their partner to always pay, without offering to contribute, is basically telling them they are paying for their company.

treaclesoda · 19/01/2018 07:07

I'm really surprised tbh at how many women claim they would be perfectly happy paying half on a first date. Would you really in reality?

Well a lot of us have said that's exactly what we did do in our younger years, and then went on to marry the men so clearly we were happy enough.

I'd never have accepted a man paying half on a first date because there's no way I'd want to be beholden to him in any way.

WinchestersInATardis · 19/01/2018 07:11

I'm really surprised tbh at how many women claim they would be perfectly happy paying half on a first date. Would you really in reality?

Yes, absolutely. I'm currently single and go on the occasional date and always split the bill. I do find that men usually offer to pay but I've never accepted.
I find the idea peculiar and would be wary of having a second date with a man who insisted on paying even if I expressed clearly that I wanted to go halves.
It's not about money or being tight, it'd be about insisting on doing something a certain way even if I said I didn't want to. Red flag for me.

I do feel a bit sorry for the blokes though. Based on this thread, they might not get a second date if they insist on paying, if they suggest going halves or if they even accept an offer to go halves after trying to pay. All depending on which woman they date.

everybodysang · 19/01/2018 07:15

Bloody hell. Is this thread going on in 1952 or something?

I'd be repulsed by a guy who wouldn't let me go halves. I'd never see them again.

Donnerkebabbler · 19/01/2018 07:15

1ndg0 whether it’s money or behaviour you continue to promulgate the concept that women need to be looked after and men must do all the hard work. On my first date with my partner we made our own way to the bar, took turns to buy drinks. He was determined to get there before I did as he felt that was “right” (we are late 40’s early 50’s - didn’t bother me either way) and he jumped up to get me a drink as soon as I arrived. All appreciated by me but not expected. If however I’d have got there first and already had a drink, I wouldn’t have hesitated to do what he did and get his first drink. We are 2 humans who happen to be a male and female, with a life partnership. There are no boy/girl jobs in our set up, we both do what we’re best at or whatever is more convenient. I’m so grateful my parents didn’t raise me to define myself by my sex.

sparklesbarkles · 19/01/2018 07:17

I always offered to pay. If he accepted I wouldn't see him again. I wouldn't let him pay though. I'd go halves.
The fact that he's willing to let me pay everything has never boded well when I've continued to see them

Thishatisnotmine · 19/01/2018 07:18

I have not been on a dates in many, many years. I would expect us both to offer to pay then agree to split it halves. I expect the talk about "well, I'll get it next time" while we decide would be a good indication of how well the date has gone!

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2018 07:19

The fact that he's willing to let me pay everything has never boded well when I've continued to see them

Nobody’s said anything about paying for everything. People should be prepared to pay for what they’ve eaten and drunk. Confused

Friedgreen · 19/01/2018 07:19

In my experience, men have always paid even when the date hasn’t gone well. I always offered but if they insist I’m not the type to push it. Dh is the tightest man alive and he insisted on paying for everything!

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2018 07:20

The fact that he's willing to let me pay everything has never boded well when I've continued to see them

And “willing to let you pay” is a problem? A man who wasn’t willing to let me make my own decisions wouldn’t get a second date from me.

newmumwithquestions · 19/01/2018 07:20

I’m a bit sad by a lot of the responses. I want to be with a man who recognises me as an equal. That means I would always expect to pay my share.

If someone earns a lot more money than the other then it’s nice if they offer to pay more. I’ve dated men who earnt a lot more and let them pay a lot more.

I’ve also gone on a first proper date with someone who was skint and I was working. I suggested I pay (and picked the restaurant). He said that would be great and offered to drive so I could have a drink if I wanted. We were happy.

I hate wage inequality. The sad fact is often men earn more for an equivalent job. But you can’t challenge that whilst supporting conventions which support women as the simpering weaker sex!

diodati · 19/01/2018 07:22

I always offer to pay my half but am usually overruled. But no, I don't assume my date should pay.

Donnerkebabbler · 19/01/2018 07:22

I agree sparkles, and that should be as much a red flag for a man in the reverse situation.

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2018 07:25

I always offer to pay my half but am usually overruled.

And you’re happy to set the tone from your very first date that it’s ok for your boyfriend to overrule you?

Donnerkebabbler · 19/01/2018 07:26

Very well put newmum!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 19/01/2018 07:28

Newmum, I want an equal too in a partnership. I'm not a princess who needs paying for or needs to be kept in the future whilst in maternity leave etc.

No wonder we are still so very unequal in the workplace with these attitudes going on. Men having to make all the effort, finance it whilst the girls just have to look pretty is the summary of the thread for those who agree the man should pay.

I hope my son meets a girl who likes him for just being him, not the size of his wallet or his ability to keep them in the future. That's quite a mercenary way to chose a partner.

blueskypink · 19/01/2018 07:29

I'm totally appalled by some of the responses on here. I hope my sons don't have the misfortune to encounter anyone with such sexist, exploitative and archaic views.

Let's have equality - so long as the man pays for dinner Shock

EggsonHeads · 19/01/2018 07:31

The following is based on the assumption that a man is the one doing the asking out and therefore the host for etiquette purposes. Basic manners dictate that a man offers and expects to pay full and a woman gets flustered and insists on going halves once. If man refuses then she says she'll pay next time. A man with very good manners will paybthe bill away from the table removing the need for an awkward conversation but of course will not be judged for not doing so if he can't afford to pay the full bill.

BombsAway · 19/01/2018 07:33

I'd be repulsed by a guy who wouldn't let me go halves. I'd never see them again.

Same here

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