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Original poster

Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

731 replies

lottieandmia22 · 18/01/2018 19:49

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket.

BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures.

What have your experiences been?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/01/2018 11:47

I'm not slating you at all, lottie, just pointing out that you've missed Quimby's point, that's all.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/01/2018 11:53

lottieandmia22

so you find the term "fuck boys" "ojectionable" but justified?

Original poster
lottieandmia22 · 20/01/2018 11:59

No I don't find either justifiable!

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 20/01/2018 12:47

On a first date, whoever instigated/arranged the date should offer to pay

In principle I agree, the problem though is that an awful lot of women out there still expect the man to do the ‘asking’ which kind of removes any semblance of balance.

I do think that internet dating has been influential in changing the rules a bit insofar as people generally accepting that going Dutch is a perfectly fair way of doing things.

Generally though I found after a short time of online dating you could soon spot the grabby women a mile off and avoid them. Any mention of liking the ‘finer things in life’ or describing themselves as ‘old fashioned’ was enough for me to move on to the next profile!

On a side note, I notice that many pages into this thread none of the ‘I think a man who does not pay for everything is tight’ mob are still strangely reluctant to explain how their refusal to open their purse cannot also be described as being utterly tight too.

Emilybrontescorsett · 20/01/2018 18:35

With regards to the car comment, I've only done on line dating so didn't know my dates. Therefore I wouldn't get in a car with them.

TBH a lot of the men I chatted to on line questioned why I only wanted a coffee and not a full on meal/ night out.
Quote a few said got our next date we'll go out for a full evening and I'll pay and pick you up. It never made it to the second date.
Interestingly with dp even though he contacted me first, I was the one to ask him out.
So I do think things are different with online dating.

I do agree about women who appear grabby though.

chestylarue52 · 20/01/2018 18:49

I like paying on dates. I want to date a feminist man who respects me and accepts my independence and sees me as a real person in the world.

If I offer to pay and a man says ‘oh thank you, that’s great, the meal was good’ etc I take that as a good sign.

If I offer to pay and he’s horrified or tries to shush me I don’t think he’s the man for me.

chestylarue52 · 20/01/2018 18:50

On a side note, I notice that many pages into this thread none of the ‘I think a man who does not pay for everything is tight’ mob are still strangely reluctant to explain how their refusal to open their purse cannot also be described as being utterly tight too*

Well, quite.

It’s also totally bizarre to see it as a measure of how much a man is into you. As if your time can literally be bought.

user1490465531 · 20/01/2018 19:25

Maybe in high flying careers men and women are paid equally but an unskilled man will still often earn more than an unskilled female

blueskypink · 20/01/2018 19:30

But user - if you went out with a same sex friend would you expect them to pay for you if they earn more than you?

expatinscotland · 20/01/2018 19:31

'The thing is o would never go for a meal on a fist date.
When I was single I only ever went for coffee, or at a push a drink in a pub but this was always at a push as I would be driving so would only drink soft drinks.'

This. I learned this the hard way. Plenty of good ideas for a first date that don't involve big expense.

A lot is circumstantial, too. When I was single and childfree I wasn't interested in dating any man who had children, just not for me, or any man who was unemployed, so the proverbial skint single parent wouldn't have come into my radar.

Usually after the first few dates of coffee, hike, picnic, meet up at a museum, etc. we'd go halves or take it in turns.

1ndig0 · 20/01/2018 19:40

Can people understand though that expecting a man to pay on the first date is not about wanting his money. If I go out with friends, I'll always offer to get the bill and I really don't care. It's more about the expectation of a certain type of behaviour in men. What's the big deal anyway? It's hardly a great shakes to take a woman out for a drink or dinner and make an effort is it? If you have no money, go for a walk instead, but it's about taking the initiative, rather than how much you spend.

Smeaton · 20/01/2018 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1ndig0 · 20/01/2018 19:53

Well I don't think it's expecting much tbh, but obviously I'm in a minority on here. I admit I never did internet dating and never asked a man out back in the nineties Grin so maybe the dates were less random.

Gah81 · 20/01/2018 20:02

Have been thinking about this idea of expecting a certain type of behaviour from a man on a date... I would expect him to get polite, attentive and interested. But that doesn't extend to expecting him even to offer to pay (though I cannot think of a date I have been on where they haven't).

I am with PP who say they like paying. I love being able to earn my own money, buy my own flat/jewellery etc. and pay my own way. My financial independence means a lot to me and, even now I am engaged, I cling on to it fiercely (possibly too fiercely; my fiancé earns several times what I do but I still find it hard to accept extravagant presents from him).

Although having someone buy you dinner doesn't mean you aren't financially (or otherwise) independent, personally, every time I split the bill or pay my own way, I still get a happy frisson... it is just so much a part of who I am. If a man were to be offended by that, he is not for me.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2018 20:38

Can people understand though that expecting a man to pay on the first date is not about wanting his money?

What are you expecting him to pay with? Fresh air?!

OutToGetYou · 20/01/2018 22:36

I always want to pay half, no pretending. If a guy insists on paying the, well, I'm not going to have a row in a restaurant/pub - but I'm also not going to see him again as that is not the type of guy I want to date. i.e. one who thinks men should pay (that men are somehow superior) and one who 'insists' on things until I back down.

But, to me, a first date is only ever a drink anyway, so you buy them, then I buy them. A 'real' date is the second date.

I spend nowt on make-up, nor on jewellery, I have greying hair and don't shave my legs. If I like the guy I might wear freshly washed jeans. According to some posters here I should probably pay guys to even date me, let alone have them pay for dinner!

billyfivebellies · 20/01/2018 22:52

I always insist on paying and a blowjob.

duckdarlington · 20/01/2018 23:10

I would always offer to pay on a date, any women I have ever went on a second date with have offered to pay half or pay next time in response. Far too many women though expect the guy to pay (dont even bring money)and let him do so without even a thankyou, Ive even had women expecting me to buy their outfit for the date.

Quimby · 21/01/2018 00:36

“Can people understand though that expecting a man to pay on the first date is not about wanting his money?”

Exactly

It’s about not wanting to spend your own money

MistressDeeCee · 21/01/2018 07:07

Honestly? Its between the 2 people who are dating its zero to do with anybody else. If a man pays or not that is lookout and h e is going to do as he chooses.

All these people worrying about whether someone else's date pays for the woman accompanying him or not have too much time their hands to focus on couples, and put it out there to men that a woman who accepts their offer of payment is somehow no good.

Also insulting men by assuming if he's paying for a woman's meal on a date then he'll be expecting sex at the end of the night and that a woman is setting herself up for that. I've never come across a man like that directly and I don't assume that men are as basic as that either.

OH pays out more times than I do and we've now been together for years so paying for the 1st few dates clearly didn''t bother him. So what.

Stop competing and just do you.

Kittymum03 · 21/01/2018 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Donnerkebabbler · 21/01/2018 08:33

1ndig0 if you last dated in the 90’s then that explains your view. Attitudes have progressed since then. And totally agree with Gah, there are many ways a man can demonstrate agreeable behaviour without being expected to pay for everything. The only thing I can really think of that him paying for everything proves is that he’ll be generous with his cash, and that should cut both ways.

diodati · 21/01/2018 08:49

I like paying for my boyfriend when we go out. Being generous makes me happy.

Gladiola44 · 21/01/2018 09:46

1ndig0 if you last dated in the 90’s then that explains your view. Attitudes have progressed since then.

No, a lot of the people on the thread who said they think the man should pay are currently dating, and some in their twenties and thirties. I have been dating in the 2010s and the men always wanted to pay for me every time. I wouldn’t have gone out with them a second time if they didn’t!

JacquesHammer · 21/01/2018 10:25

I wouldn’t have gone out with them a second time if they didn’t!

Equality scmequality right? 🙄

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