Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

[lottieandmia22]

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket.

BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures.

What have your experiences been?

I feel it is their gesture to show how much they are into me

You judge your value as a date, by how much money a man spends on you? That’s weird.

It shoukd be like when Mrs Doyle and her friend go out for a pot of tea and a scone. The couple should both forcefully insist on paying, til it turns nasty and they end up in jail. Then, whoever had just passed payday should pay for the damages, fines, etc.

Of course, traditionally, the man would be better paid so he would pay the bribes or bail or whatever. The woman would only be working for pin money til she got married and anyway, had probably spent all her wages at the hairdresser or on a new dress for the occasion. Thankfully those days are gone in this age of equality! And the very next weekend after Equality Day, all dates automatically organised themselves on Equality Day principles.

So I don't understand why you are still asking this question, op

ilovesooty
When I see posters saying that if a man accepts their offer of paying for themselves they wouldn't go on a second date I'm very inclined to think that man has had a lucky escape.

Yup, it is no longer the century of the fruitbat

My brother and his wife (before she became the wife) had an unusual way of handling it that worked well for them. They would order each other's meal, switch it after the server brought it and pay for each other's meal, so that they each were being 'treated'. It's the same as paying for your own of course but psychologically different.

I think it’s really nice for a man to offer, and it’s something I always appreciated, but I wouldn’t expect it.

I would instead expect to pay half.

I have always been a bit frightened by the concept of men paying for the date, as I think that some take advantage and feel that you should owe them something in return.

If a man asks me out, he pays. If I ask a man out - I pay. If relationship progresses then naturally one or the other will pay. eg if I'm out with OH he may pay for cinema or event entry, then I will get the drinks etc. Sometimes he'll pay it all, sometimes I will. Whatever. Nobodys keeping score. In a normal relationship it becomes "our money"

The fuck boys out there have a field day with this don't they, loads of forums have them griping in entitled fashion that they aren't paying for a date. I wouldn't ever want to share finances in life with that type, that's for sure. But I think each should do what suits them, and leave other people/couples to what suits them. It's nobody's else's business

I know I paid for DH and mines first dinner because I had lost a bet about the Welsh referendum that I had with him. This bet was made before we were dating.

I have always been a bit frightened by the concept of men paying for the date, as I think that some take advantage and feel that you should owe them something in return.

If I thought for one moment that my date expected sex in return for a meal, I'd get up and leave. WTAF?!

On a first date, whoever instigated/arranged the date should offer to pay. The other person should then politely refuse and insist on paying their own bill. If the first person absolutely insists on paying, then the second person pays next time or throws cash down and runs if they can't bear the idea of a next time.

Although I would never expect - or allow - a man to subsidize me, I would be weirdly just a trifle offended (and would mentally mark him down as possibly a cheapskate) if he didn't offer to pay for us both.

Simultaneously, I can understand why a man might not want to offer to pay the whole bill, as I've known a few women in my time who were all too happy to take the free drink or dinner with absolutely zero intention of it going anywhere with the guy doing the paying. So I wouldn't absolutely write him off for it either.

I'm really quite fond of DH though, so hopefully I won't need to get into the dating game ever again!

Okay, so first date with this guy; he picked me up, took me to a restaurant and paid the tab. Second date with guy; I picked him up, took us to another restaurant and I picked up the tab. None of this was an issue. The gestures on both sides were equal.

My rules are this. If a man asked me out I'd expect him to pay for a meal. However I'd offer to pay half. If I wanted to see him again I'd accept if he wanted to pay the full amount. If I didn't want to see him again I'd insist on paying my half.

I would always offer to pay half. I find the comments suggesting men who would accept an offer to pay half as "tight" or even the delightfully phrased "tight arse" pretty revolting, especially coming from women who appear to not want to open their purse...

I rather think the men who don't get a second date because they didn't pay have a lucky escape.

formerbabe I"paid my way" all through my maternity leave. I got 9 months full pay and then 6 weeks holiday pay for hols I accrued during. Once I gave up work I didn't contribute financially but did in other ways.

“The fuck boys out there have a field day with this don't they, loads of forums have them griping in entitled fashion that they aren't paying for a date.”

And all the sluts are having a whale of a time feeling entitled to leech off another and be offended by a suggestion that they might pay for their own food. With forums telling them that if a man doesn’t pay for them that the man is the tight one, and not the person who is horrified by the idea of paying their own way.

Quite Quimby.

When I see posters saying that if a man accepts their offer of paying for themselves they wouldn't go on a second date I'm very inclined to think that man has had a lucky escape

I agree. It's a good way of men weeding out those too tight to pay and who only want them for their wallet.

I want to weep at some of the opinions on here. And it’s not an age thing; I’m pushing 50 and haven’t been in a dating situation for 20 years. If my daughters didn’t pay their own way on dates I’d be appalled. We’re never going to get equality as long as so many women want to be treated like it’s 1900. Wake up! We’re allowed to go to work now.

And as for finding it ‘romantic’ when a man ‘takes control’...words fail me. I hope to god that my husband and I have set a good example about the best relationships being about partnership.

The thing is o would never go for a meal on a fist date.
When I was single I only ever went for coffee, or at a push a drink in a pub but this was always at a push as I would be driving so would only drink soft drinks.
I've never ever gone out for dinner on a first date.
I'd also never, ever not get there myself. I'd never let someone pick me up. So what tended to happen was the man would ask me what I wanted to drink and get his wallet out and order and pay for the drinks.

I've had men offer to come and pick me up and I e said no absolutely not.
I'd been seeing dp a while before we stopped meeting at the states place and we gave each h other lifts.

I think buying someone a coffee is on a very different level to buying them an expensive four course meal.

Gubbins- I've also explained to my dd and ds that it's there joint responsibility with any future partner to share all childcare and housework.
I've advised dd not to give up her career if she has a baby and that her partner must do half the childcare runs and housework.
She has bought a house with her dp and from what I've seen tbey split bills 50/50 and housework too .

If out for drinks I would take my turn going to the bar and pay my half when out for a meal (why wouldn't I) ?
If I was too skint I wouldn't accept the date.

Why is it wrong to let someone pick you up? If I'm really into someone I like to be picked up. I obviously wouldn't do it if they were a stranger.

Quimby - shame on you calling women sluts. That says a lot about you. Misogyny much?

I would not expect a man to pay, but would like him to offer.

So when the bill comes I would get my purse out, he would say it’s his treat, and I would say I’d feel more comfortable splitting the bill.

If it’s just a drink I’d let him pay. And to be honest I think expensive meals on first dates are a strange idea.

I once had a date in a coffee shop - the bloke went up to the counter and got himself a coffee and came and sat back down, didn’t even offer to get me one! There was no second date

lottieandmia22

Interestingly you seem to be OK with DeeCee's "fuck boys".

You've missed Quimby's point there quite spectacularly, lottie, your post seems cut and pasted as a pithy response but it isn't because the point has gone way over your head.

Fuck boys is equally bad.

Just because someone makes an objectionable comment about fuck boys that doesn't justify slating women in response. Which people seem only too pleased to have the opportunity to do.