Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

[lottieandmia22]

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket.

BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures.

What have your experiences been?

Donner - yes I think you are right. The only guy I've ever gone on a date with who let me pay half then went on to sponge off me every time we went out or wanted me to just come round to his house. He was well off. But he was also someone who constantly was talking about the cost of things and penny pinching. It was tiresome and I only saw him for a few weeks.

If I had a son, I would suggest he steers clear of women who expect him to pay for dates. I have a daughter and I will caution her to be wary of men who don't want her to pay half. She's only 10, btw.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster

I find it pathetic to see women desperate for equality deciding they must go halves on a date...whilst men don't give a shit and refuse to modify their behaviour to help women become more equal. They'll enjoy the advantages of equality... saving money on dinner and wives who work without the downsides..ie doing housework or campaigning for their female colleagues to get equal pay.

lostinblankers - how can you "go halves" with your husband? You're married!

I'm starting to feel as if I'm in a parallel universe on here sometimes.

I wouldn’t expect the man to offer and I like to pay my way in all situations, but I do think it’s nice for the man to offer (and insist) on a first date. However if it went this way I would insist on paying for the drinks afterwards or the next meal / date.

I have a daughter and I will caution her
to be wary of men who don't want her
to pay half.

Oh come on!

No I pay half

Only times I haven’t is when I have been taken somewhere I can’t afdord to really go but mention this before

I like a simple life. Even though I've been married for 9 years and we've been together for 17 years I have my own bank account and money. We both pay approx the same percentage of our wages towards the kids,mortgage, bills etc. I work part time and look after the kids more, but due to his working pattern we get more time together. He would happily work part time but knows if I go back full time my hours will be another 20+ a week on his so this works just now.
I like having my own money, I paid my own way fully through two year long mat leaves, because I wanted to. I always paid 1/2 and still say I'll get this you can get x when we are out.
I would be really angry if my girls thought someone else should pay for them. It's like sweeties from strangers, and most first dates are with relative strangers, if you don't really know them expect nothing and pay your own way
However if you feel that someone needs to pay for a date to make you feel desired, wanted, worshiped, treated like a lady that's fine but expect some men to find it as disgusting as you find it in men.

Always taught both my son and daughter to both offer to pay then they don't owe anyone anything. In reality DS ends up paying and DD going halves, but that's OK, they are both the bigger person.

I paid my own way fully through two year long mat leaves

Why on earth would you do that?

I agree with formerbabe that is most marriages, "equality" just means "doing it all". I'm sure there are some posters who will claim their DH takes 50% of the "mental load" or whatever it's called, but they are in a distinct minority. In real life, I can see no evidence if this.

Hell would freeze over before I would be married and have DC with a man who won't even have joint finances! I find this staggering. My DH sees us as a family unit - if I'm happy to stay at home with the DC then it's his responsibility to financially provide for that. Neither of us are any less equal for it - that's nonsense.

I agree Indigo.

A situation where his money is his and hers is hers, when kids come along, is not "equality" at all.

I have a relative where they kept their separate accounts incomes etc through 2 mat leaves, her going part time etc. She is of course skint and he is not. This is also a mechanism through which a lot of financial abuse occurs (loads of threads on MN about this).

The idea of feminism was never that in families where it has been agreed that one takes time out / goes part time etc to look after the children, that it should mean one should be brassick and the other keep everything for themselves. In fact feminism always stated that the way paid work was seen as work while the things that women tend to do more of ie caring responsibilities is unseen / nothing is a real problem in society.

So, lottie, are you actively dating at present?

The pay gap for men and women doesn't really aplear until women have children. Expecting some random bloke to pay everything for your first date on the basis that you will one day marry somebody (probably somebody else) and have children, or have already married somebody else and had children, is odd. Really the only men we should be expecting to pay for us are the fathers of our kids.

I agree with formerbabe - I hate this sneery ‘well women want equality until they have to give up the perks* bollocks. I’d happily campaign for every couple to go halfers on every date if it meant men looked at their own behaviour and the perks that misogyny gives them, and changed accordingly.

I’ve not dated for a while but I’d always go halfs just so I don’t have to listen to ‘equality while it suits you’ bullshit.

I choose not to have joint finances once half the outgoings are gone. It works for us but not for everyone. My dh would happily be joined but this is my area where I like independence.
I also continued to pay my way through mat leave because I could. I saved and enjoyed a year with both our children. I also fully paid my way through university and buying our first house. These are my priorities. However e.g. bought me a car when we were engaged..its all horses for courses. At no point do I feel he hasn't paid his way in our relationship and if he ever feel a I don't then a few reminders soon change his mind.
In my profession men earn the same. I have the potential to earn way more than dh but choose to be part time so I am happy with my life

I'm not really dating as such - I would consider myself to be in a relationship.

When dating I would always offer to pay halves - most of the time they didn't take me up on it and we'd go halves after the first date was out of the way. I think they saw it as part of the whole "making a good impression" thing - and to be fair I always appreciated it and would usually go on date 2 (unless they were a real shocker!). That said though, first date tended to be cheap pub/coffee shop! I also - and I know this is not seen as right given feminsism/equality issues etc - felt reassured by a bloke paying for a meal, as it gave a level of subconsious reassurance that he wouldn't object paying extras at times like maternity/illness/redundancy. I have not, and would not, accept a date just for the meal, nor expect a man to pay more than half. I just appreciated it when he did. Like holding doors - I don't expect it, but appreciate it when it happens - whichever gender is doing the holding!

I can't believe some women expect the man to pay. And to offer to go halves but then not have a second date if he accepts!?
Always halves for the meal and then take in turns to get a round in if drinking.

Can't imagine why a woman wouldn't go halves (unless they were broke and the guy had offered to pay up front - or vice versa if the bloke was broke). Or pay for both the next time. tA male friend of mine is trying various online dating sites and the women rarely offer to split the bill. I just don't get it.

I also continued to pay my way through mat leave because I could

I find it sad that you use the term "pay my way". You were on maternity leave taking care of a child you created together. I take it you didn't get yourself pregnant?

'I have a daughter and I will caution her
to be wary of men who don't want her
to pay half'

So if they go out and her date orders an expensive starter, main and dessert, has a load of alcohol, a latte, etc. and she has a less expensive starter and main, no dessert, etc she should subsidise her date's choices? Nah, I don't think so.

In don't understand paying your way through maternity leave either. You are paying your way by growing / looking after a baby so that your dh is still able to work...

Re paying way through mat leave, it’s possible that household finances didn’t allow for extended leave but it was the mother’s desire to take the time so she funded it from individual savings, so that the family’s standard of living wasn’t impacted.