Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

[lottieandmia22]

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket.

BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures.

What have your experiences been?

This is what you're trying to argue is equality

“....it suggests something about their character.”

That they’re not looking to be with a leech?

Yes, people go out on dates for free meals. Google dating free meals or Sneating.

I don't think it's appropriate to eat on a first date anyway. You might not like each other / get on and eating is somewhat intimate. I always suggest coffee for a first date.

Does anyone actually go on a date for a "free meal"?

Yep. It’s not about hunger though, more the chance to experience a high end restaurant or somewhere nice. When I was internet dating their was a sizeable minority who would be suggesting for first dates ‘that nice restaurant just off the kings road’ which your subsequent research leads you to finding out it’s Gordon Ramsey’s. I believe the phrase on here is ‘Cheeky Fucker’

I'd actually be very uncomfortable with a man paying for me. I'd go halves or take turns (once a relationship has been established). I don't need a man to pay for me, thanks.

If he wants and agrees to you paying half on the first date, if you go on to marry and have children he'll also expect you to contribute to the finances 50/50 whilst you're on maternity leave and earning a fraction of what you used to. Then when you return to work part time earning a fraction of what you used to whilst paying for childcare, he'll resent having to bear the increased financial responsibility.

That is one utterly huge projection! Are you really using the extrapolation of the finances of a first date on to the future management of household finances within a marriage with children to wriggle yourself out of buying a drink?

Pan - you're deliberately missing the point.

The thing is that even on a first date you can tell a lot about how someone is likely to behave in the future.

I'm responding to the poster who suggested that a man paying on the date would also assume she'd want to be a sahm and do all the housework.

Do people go on first dates and start planning out their whole lives?

Also at my age I couldn't give a shit about maternity leave. So in my case how could I wriggle out of buying a drink if I wanted to be a cheeky fucker?

Not really. Abusers for example don't go on a first date and start being abusive. First dates they are nice, offer to pay for everything, make the person feel special.

First dates cannot be used to predict the future as things change. At the time he might be low on finances so cannot afford to pay for everything.

He might be rich and looking to avoid the gold diggers.

He might realise there and then there's no chemistry/you have no personality/you are boring and watching paint dry is much more enjoyable.

The mental acrobatics you are performing to try and excuse a woman from buying even so much as a drink is embarrassing.

^This. Presumably when the OP goes/went on a first date she spent most the time measuring up her partner figuring out how much his funeral would cost, having already mentally gone through engagement, marriage, property purchase, children etc.

God knows what would happen if both people were of the same sex - two men would end up fighting over who paid, two women sitting there looking angrily at the other with a rumbling tummy?

I've heard from women who are bi that they tend to expect the guy to pay but if out with a woman they split it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not entirely sure what is 100% the right thing to do. I have dated a guy who insisted on paying every time and he would not ever let me buy anything and this bugged me.

But I think if you're a single struggling parent dating a guy who earns a six figure salary it would be nice for him to pay. I'm obviously not talking about the first date here. First dates should be coffee imo.

As I said previously, it's really not about the money. Who pays has nothing to do with equality, but there is a different dynamic to dating than say, going out with your mates. I would not want to be with a man who treated me like one if his mates because I'm not.

What attracted me to DH was the way he behaved - things like he would always come and meet me, rather than expect me to go out of my way to meet him. He always took me home, even though it was very out of his way. He always had a plan, rather than just leaving stuff to chance. Basically, it's an attitude of mind. He always made an effort and he's a gentleman and that's something I really appreciated (still do)!

He didn't like me paying, but I would often cook dinner for us or pre-book something ahead. If someone makes an effort to make you feel special, you are far more likely to repay them in whatever way you can.

The thing is that even on a first date you can tell a lot about how someone is likely to behave in the future

That’s a real leap. On a first date you have your money and he has his. If you progress to raising a family together then surely you’ve established he’s a man who behaves fairly and acts collaboratively? Accepting a drink/half the bill from you is zero indicator about how he’ll behave as a father/husband in a maternity leave situation. If what you’ve described happened to you then you failed to perform sufficient due diligence ahead of getting into that situation. It wasn’t because he let you buy a drink at the outset.

What I don’t undetstand 1ndig0 is why it’s youwho must be made to feel special? Why not both?

On a first date you have your money and he has his. If you progress to raising a family together then surely you’ve established he’s a man who behaves fairly and acts collaboratively?

A quick look at the relationships board will tell you this is bollocks.

I got engaged to my hubby on our second date so we were clearly planning our future from date one. Though I accept that isn’t the norm.

Equality should mean equality. I expected to go halves/pay my way while dating. I expect to be paid the same as a man for doing the same job. I wouldn’t work for anyone that didn’t pay me the same as a man with the same experience and training.

It is the employer who doesn’t pay fairly that needs to be corrected not some poor bloke who doesn’t have say in your pay.

We will never have equality or free choice while we allow men to treat us differently because we are women.

As for the maternity leave argument - it only truly applies for two weeks. By law women must take two weeks off work following giving birth. Most of us choose to take longer. Maternity and paternity leave and family finances should be discussed before having a baby. Not quite sure why potential maternity leave should change who pays in a date though.

I'm a single parent. I still don't expect to be paid for. After the first date in the coffee shop, things are organised so I can pay my way.

Income for me doesn't come up until we are at the point in the relationship where we are considering moving in. Why would I want to know how much the guy I'm dating is earning after a few dates?

Lottie I work with many 6 figure earners. They are extremely unlikely to date a struggling single parent because it’s not conducive to the lifestyle they want to enjoy. And they aren’t going to used as a meal ticket, not when they have so much choice and regularly socialise with women in the same earning bracket.

If I were single I wouldn't want to date a woman who earns as much as me but expected me to pay for the lot.

It would be fair if one were earning more than the other for the wealthier one to pay more. If the lower earning one can only afford to buy a McDonalds meal, yet the other can afford to eat at a Michelin starred restaurant compromises must be made.

Because formerbabe assumptions have been made. Have the conversation early doors. You’ll already know if he’s not a man of his word.

'Lottie I work with many 6 figure earners. They are extremely unlikely to date a struggling single parent because it’s not conducive to the lifestyle they want to enjoy. '

I agree - it was merely a far fetched example...

Although with that said I have had lots of rich men who want to go out with me. And I am not very well off at all. But I'm educated. Or maybe they just want a trophy girlfriend 😂😉