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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask - is my husband's refusal to have sex is abuse? Grounds for divorce?

343 replies

worrieddottcom · 18/01/2018 19:42

I've posted with my husband's refusal to have sex with me under a different name.

In 2017 - no sex at all and only a few short hugs.

2016 - sex three times.

2015 - twice.

I can't take it anymore.

He's a fabulous dad to our teen child.

He loves me - I know he does.

It's not enough.

I'm ashamed to admit to having a non sexual, emotional affair over the last year. This man makes me feel desirable. It won't go any further than that, but it has given me some comfort.

For the last year or so, my husband has chosen to sleep in another room. This started when he had a heavy cold and snored so much that he kept me awake.

Every night, he stays in his study and plays computer games. I watch tv in another room.

He adores our child and will do everything for him.

I'm depressed and frightened and frustrated.

I don't think I can honour the vows I made at our wedding.

OP posts:
Dipitydoda · 19/01/2018 06:00

Op of course it’s abusive, it might not be intentionally abusive but the constant undermining of self worth the feeling of isolation and rejection. The control over lack of fulfilling a basic requirement by withholding sex is no different to other forms of emotional abuse. Anyone who thinks differently has obviously never experienced it. I was with an EA partner who constantly undermined me, isolated me from friends and family left me feeling unable to do anything by myself/make decisions etc. The hurt, isolation, rejection and humiliation caused by a subsequent sexless marriage was far worse than any of thatfor me. If you want to stay, carry on seeing your man and build up everything that your sexless marriage has taken away.

NotBadConsidering · 19/01/2018 06:49

He's not really withholding sex to punish the OP though is he? Sounds like he just doesn't want to. He'd rather do other things. I find it a bit staggering that a man is being called abusive because he has a very low libido and is a poor communicator with his wife. The former makes him part of a spectrum (male and female), the latter makes him a dick, but I wouldn't call either abusive. This couple have major communication problems, not abuse problems.

I don't think someone should call the OP a victim of abuse just because she's really unhappy. And just because someone's making a person unhappy doesn't make them an abuser. Marriages end because at least one person in it isn't happy, usually due to the actions (or inactions) of the other.

And the "is it abuse?" question has dominated this thread and derailed it. The bottom line is the OP isn't happy and if she can't get through to her DH that he needs to communicate his problem and discuss whether it's fixable then she should leave.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/01/2018 07:01

mathanxiety
You are suggesting this is a problem contributed to by both partners equally,

I've not seen anything on the thread to suggest otherwise.

Shineystrawberrylover · 19/01/2018 07:17

You could leave and separate then wait 3 years for a "no fault" divorce.

SoupDragon · 19/01/2018 07:35

I’m imagining this written with the genders reversed.

XmasInTintagel · 19/01/2018 07:39

But he is the one who doesn't want sex. Why isn't HE talking to her? Why isn't HE suggesting counselling? Why isn't HE working out a compromise?
Sounds like depression, doesn't it - but many people seem unwilling to admit thats a possibility, despite it being mentioned several times, when they would if it was the woman who was withdrawn from the relationship.

Or is it the same old same old - all emotional/relationship work is the woman's responsibility?
Nope, I think the main response on here has been that he's been mean, and the OP should leave him actually, expecting no effort at all from her to try to tell him she is not happy with how things are, or to consider his feelings at all!

Helmetbymidnight · 19/01/2018 07:51

he has a very low libido and is a poor communicator with his wife.

Does the op say this? How do you know he has a low libido?

NotBadConsidering · 19/01/2018 07:54

You're right, I don't know for sure. But it's a more logical conclusion to make about someone who's only had sex 5 times in 3 years than "he's an abuser who's withholding to abuse the OP".

BishBoshBashBop · 19/01/2018 08:17

If you want to stay, carry on seeing your man and build up everything that your sexless marriage has taken away.

Err no. You leave you marriage. You don't have affairs.

BishBoshBashBop · 19/01/2018 08:21

I would suggest she tries to talk it out in order to be sure that calling it a day is the best option.

As long as she is open too and admits her affair.

BertieBotts · 19/01/2018 08:30

It can be an abuse tactic to withhold sex as a form of control, or for example to have extramarital affairs yet withhold sex within the relationship - however I don't think that's what's being described here, at all. It's not abuse. He may be abusive in other ways, perhaps, we don't know from the information given.

It is certainly never abusive simply not to desire sex. NEVER. Porn addiction or not. (And again, no specific evidence of porn addiction either.) Math we are usually on the same page but I'm on a different book to you on this one!

I agree it is perfectly fine for a partner to leave a relationship if they are unhappy with the frequency (or not) of sex offered.

Laiste · 19/01/2018 08:38

I've never seen so much assumed from so little info.

Laiste · 19/01/2018 08:39

The whole thread that is, not aiming at bertie :)

walnutwhippets · 19/01/2018 08:45

The emotional affair was a terrible mistake and I will always feel guilty. In my defence, I was so low and miserable that the brief attention and affection made me feel alive for a while.

I take the point that withholding sex is not abuse.

I think it's neglect rather than abuse.

BishBoshBashBop · 19/01/2018 08:49

@walnutwhippets If thats you OP it's bad form to name change in the middle of your thread.

Sofabitch · 19/01/2018 08:52

Irrelevant of the lack of sex. It sounds like the intimacy has dissapeared.

Emotional intimacy is so important and without it one can feel so very alone.

Have you tried talking to him? This doesn't sound good for either of you.

But you wont be able to reconcile this without being open and admitting to him either alone or through councelling that you are so lonely you've been getting emotionally close to another.

Or if you are truely that unhappy then just leave. Your teenage son won't be oblivious to the way you are. Marrieges take long term sustained effort to continue the closeness and it's hard when you feel like you're the only one that cares.

I was where you were years back and we recovered with intense couples therapy based on feelings not blame. But its not for everyone Op.

durgha · 19/01/2018 08:54

Bish, I think I'd label a verbal dalliance as something short of an affair. You seem to be very angry about the OP's "transgression". If OP was a child whose parents had, for years, avoided all physical reassurance and comfort, many people would find that a bit cruel. I think it is entirely reasonable to expect intimacy within a marriage.

Helmetbymidnight · 19/01/2018 08:55

But understandable to most people with empathy @bishbish

Why don't you leave op?

PiffleandWiffle · 19/01/2018 09:00

If you want to leave OP then leave, don't try & frame him as an abuser to make it easier to explain to yourself & others.

Have the courage of your convictions rather than sneaking around & maybe you'll both end up in a happier place......

Original poster
worrieddottcom · 19/01/2018 09:09

Eek sorry - was messing with settings and went back to old user name.

OP posts:
Original poster
worrieddottcom · 19/01/2018 09:12

To those who are asking why I don't leave - well, I'm hoping to save the marriage...

I'm not ready to give up.

And again, I do accept that he is not an abuser.

OP posts:
Laiste · 19/01/2018 09:14

Have you tried to have a serious talk about it with him?

Laiste · 19/01/2018 09:15

A person can ruin a marriage on their own, but they can't save it on their own.

Mrsmadevans · 19/01/2018 09:15

Mine did this when we first got married. I kid you not .....he was a twice a night before we got married then it all stopped.This went on for a long time 10 years at least. I was so upset l can tell you, we used to have massive rows I would threaten to leave him and he would change for a week or two, I so understand your feelings. We stayed together and are very happy. Boot is on the other foot now. I don't want to and he is ready at any moment . I am not interested at all. It is nothing to do with revenge either but it makes me think serve you bloody right . I hope you can find a way out of this I know how upsetting the rejection feels and it undermines us and lowers our self esteem . Good luck OP.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/01/2018 09:19

Will he go to counselling?
You could try sex therapy.
He needs to understand you need for intimacy.
If he can't and won't provide it would he consent to you finding it outside of the relationship.
All things to consider and discuss with him.
I could NOT live like this.
I love sex and could not imagine being with someone and not having that close connection on a regular basis.

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