Stitchit Thu 18-Jan-18 20:31:30
I would also like to highlight what Math said, It is certainly abuse if she has tried to initiate sex and has been turned down with no explanation or alternative offered to intercourse. and ask the poster this:
If this line read
If he met her in a club and if she has tried to initiate sex and has been turned down with no explanation or alternative offered to intercourse...
That is not what the line was though. That is a hypothetical situation that has no resemblance whatsoever to what is going on in Worried's life.
Your scenario is the topic of another thread entirely.
Is it abuse still? Or is it the right of the woman in my scenario to say 'no'?
The woman in the club has the right to say no. (A man in the club has the right to say no too).
Worried's husband does not have the right to make a unilateral decision about sex and not have a conversation about it. The unilateral decision is not restricted to intercourse. He also has not hugged her or even spent an evening in the same room as her or slept with her. I do not know why you can't see the difference between a cold shoulder for three years and an attempt to hook up with someone in a club.
Is it because it is she who is being rejected for sex rather than he that it is abuse, or is it because they are married and therefore sex is a duty?
No to the first part, and that is an obtuse question.
No to the second part too. Sex is not a duty. If sex is being withheld by either partner and no explanation offered, and not just sex but also hugs or any touch or even physical presence under the same roof, then that is cruel. The matter of sex has become swept up into a very unhealthy dynamic that can cause immense hurt and deep harm to the person being frozen out. That person can become completely demoralised and depressed.
What alternative should he have given her? Because if my DH asked for an alternative I would let him know that he could fuck right off.
He should have given her an explanation for his complete lack of sex, physical touch of any sort, and even physical presence in the same room as her in the evenings, some sounding out of how the situation was affecting her, reassurance that he was willing to work on any problem he might be having if something could be done, and she was unhappy, or divorce or an open relationship if nothing could be done and she wasn't happy, and the alternative to intercourse of being happy with hugs, cuddling, friendly company watching tv and sleeping beside her in the same bed.
Disgusting attitude either way.
What a pity it seems so many of you thought I was talking about some other form of sex there.
I think it should have been obvious from my comments here that I am completely focused on respect, honesty, openness, and solid communication in Worried's relationship, and not just how she could manage to 'get some'.
It is clear from Worried's description that they live separate lives, that she is deeply hurt, and that they do not communicate at all. She has no idea where she stands or what her husband's feelings about her may be. Sexual intimacy of any sort with her husband is probably the last thing she would want under these circumstances. Too much water has flowed under the bridge for that to happen - it has been too long, and she has been too hurt by the complete lack of affection of any sort.
Maybe this is where the harsh comments about the Worried's 'affair' come from - the misunderstanding that Worried is looking for a quickie when actually some sort of reassurance that she is a woman who is nice enough for someone to want to spend time in her company is all she wants.