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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask - is my husband's refusal to have sex is abuse? Grounds for divorce?

343 replies

worrieddottcom · 18/01/2018 19:42

I've posted with my husband's refusal to have sex with me under a different name.

In 2017 - no sex at all and only a few short hugs.

2016 - sex three times.

2015 - twice.

I can't take it anymore.

He's a fabulous dad to our teen child.

He loves me - I know he does.

It's not enough.

I'm ashamed to admit to having a non sexual, emotional affair over the last year. This man makes me feel desirable. It won't go any further than that, but it has given me some comfort.

For the last year or so, my husband has chosen to sleep in another room. This started when he had a heavy cold and snored so much that he kept me awake.

Every night, he stays in his study and plays computer games. I watch tv in another room.

He adores our child and will do everything for him.

I'm depressed and frightened and frustrated.

I don't think I can honour the vows I made at our wedding.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 19/01/2018 09:19

BTW IMHO it is grounds for divorce and I say that knowing that my DH could be feeling like this. Good Luck OP

Stitchit · 19/01/2018 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsmadevans · 19/01/2018 09:22

Just dawned on me that he may be accessing porn or addicted to these games which may be the reason he is not wanting to have sex.

UmpaGrumpa · 19/01/2018 09:23

Do you want to leave?

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/01/2018 09:24

OP, that is awful. It must leave you feeling undesirable.

Intimacy and sex are a must for me, this would be a deal breaker, so would the separate bed situation.

I can't think of a solution for you other than leaving as he clearly isn't interested.

GColdtimer · 19/01/2018 09:25

I am amazed you came back OP, I am not sure I would have done. I think you have had a lot of unnecessarily aggressive responses here with a whole heap of assumptions and projections. If you want to save your marriage you need to talk to him and get the bottom of why there is so little intimacy. Its not just the sex, its the disappearing into another room to play video games etc, you must feel utterly rejected. But none of this will be fixed unless you talk to each other. And you may need some kind of marriage counselling. But if he refuses to communicate then you have a serious decision to make about your future with him. Accept your relationship as it is, or split up. Flowers

Good luck.

Rachie1973 · 19/01/2018 09:26

Bluelady
Being married does give you the right to have sex.

It absolutely does NOT. Please don't teach your children that.

Olikingcharles · 19/01/2018 09:31

I understand how the attention can make you feel alive it do so for me. However you say you want to save the marriage the only way to even start doing that is to talk to each other. Find out what the problem is and ultimately if it can be resolved going to another (ea man will not help only complicate things). I wish you all the luck in this and that you get the outcome you want. No flaming from me I’ve bern where you are. Ultimately my outcome was not good. My own fault as I got swept up with the EA who ending up rejecting me. My partner and I have now split and it’s such a mess... I wish I had have somebody to talk to and advise me but not to be. Good luck and hugs.

DailyMaileatmyshit · 19/01/2018 09:31

One partner cannot unilaterally decide that sex will no longer be a part of the relationship without a frank and full explanation offered to the other partner. Nobody can move the goalposts like that.

Yes they can. The one who doesn't want sex. They may feel unable to talk about why. The one who wants sex can choose to put up with it until a time when the other can talk about it or they can leave.

You NEVER have to give an explanation. Yes, it's couteous to do so but not a requirement.

UmpaGrumpa · 19/01/2018 09:45

Sometimes, the most difficult thing is being honest about what we want. If you want to leave, you should leave - because you want to.

If you want to stay, you can talk, go for counselling, etc, and it still might not be resolved. There are still other options - IF you both want to stay together.

If the other things in the relationship are great and you know he loves you and the kids, then I'd be tempted to keep the family together and, with his agreement, get a no-strings buddy. Just be discrete.

Families don't have to be perfect and enjoyable consensual sex is an important need.

Sallystyle · 19/01/2018 09:49

OP, you have given very little information.

Could you try telling us a bit more? Has he given you a reason etc?

rcat · 19/01/2018 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocolateWombat · 19/01/2018 09:59

When you marry someone, you are signing up to a monagamous relationship, not chastity.

Someone said this upthread, and I agree. The married relationship is intended to have sex within it. So here's a seeming paradox - that no one has a right to sex and can say no at any time, but marriage is a sexual relationship.

I think both can exist together. One person can choose to say no to sex on an occasional basis, on a short term or medium basis or even on a forever basis with their spouse - it is their choice. However, they need to recognise that for most people who see marriage as a sexual relationship, saying no on a long term or forever basis will mean the marriage ends.

Regarding the communication thing - one partner may choose to remain silent on their reasons for behaviour of any type. It is their choice to do that. Again, if someone chooses to do this over important issues, it is likely that the marriage won't survive because marriage is about communication too.

So basically, anyone can choose to opt out of normal and expected martial behaviour if they choose. They can not engage with sex or intimacy or communication. They are essentially opting out of a marriage relationship and so shouldn't be surprised if they do this on a long term basis that the other partner feels that the understanding on which the marriage was started has someone been broken.

Particularly with regard to the failure to communicate - it is a persons right to choose not to communicate, but it certainly isn't helpful or conducive to the relationship moving forward in a situation like the OPs, so whilst it may be true that DH is free not to speak about any of this, the consequences of this for the relationship should also be recognised and the idea that choosing to communicate or choosing not to communicate are both equally valid choices within marriage, should be seen as not correct. Equally, whilst anyone can choose not to have sex with their spouse, it should also be recognised that in the long term, this will damage the relationship in most cases.

If people decide they don't want to have sex with their partner, then it is their choice and they can't be made to do otherwise. However it wouldn't be wrong or coercive for a spouse to tell the partner that this will be a deal breaker and end the marriage. Saying so isn't abusive behaviour or manipulation but simply stating an honest fact....and then both the person who doesn't want to have sex and the person who does need to decide whether they will remain in the relationship or not.

To suggest one person can decide to never have sex and that this is perfectly normal and won't or shouldn't have any effect on the marriage is simply wrong. There is a difference between someone having the right to choose whether to have sex and thinking it won't impact a marriage. They do have the right to choose but it will have an impact.

loopsdefruit · 19/01/2018 10:51

OP this sounds incredibly difficult, and your needs are definitely not being met which is important in a marriage.

You have a teenager, so assuming that at one point sex was happening, did you have a fairly 'normal' sex-life prior to 2015? Or was your DH generally reluctant?

Is it possible he may be asexual, or not have a significant sex-drive? If he is struggling with these feelings he may not feel able to tell you, and the guilt may be why he is avoiding you.

If things have changed then has he been to the GP or to a counsellor to see if there's something going on? Do you feel that you could encourage him to do that?

Original poster
worrieddottcom · 19/01/2018 11:20

U2 - there's not much more to say...

One thing I have just remembered is that, when I told him how worried I was about the lack of sex, he blamed pain from a hernia operation he had some years ago.

However, that does nothing appear to stop him lifting weights...

Looking back, the sex dwindled back in 1999. That is when we moved in together.

The only time we had regular sex was when we were ttc - our son is now nearly 16,

OP posts:
Original poster
worrieddottcom · 19/01/2018 11:22

Chocolate - it is a paradox...

It would be wrong of me to pressure him into sex but sex is part of being married, or at least it is for most people.

OP posts:
ChocolateWombat · 19/01/2018 11:26

So this is a very long term issue.
You haven't really discussed it thoroughly in over 15 years.
To be honest, it doesn't look like it will change to me. Whatever the reason is, it's long term.
You have to decide if you want to continue in a sexless relationship. Of course there are lots of other key things in relationships and in many, sex dwindles in both regularity and importance over the long term, but each marriage is different in this respect and the important thing is that the needs of both are met, even if there is a level of compromise. You have to decide if the sexless relationship will satisfy you into the long term.
If it won't you have 2 choices - to leave him or to stay in the relationship and look for sex elsewhere. If the latter, then it would be good to have that discussion with DH so he knows. Recognise that if youngondor this option, it may lead to the relationship ending anyway if you get emotionally involved with the sex buddy.

Confusedbeetle · 19/01/2018 11:27

I find this very sad. No one seems to be looking at it from his point of view. No one has the first idea why he does not want sex. If this was the other way round and the woman felt unable to have sex for some reason? There are no Rights. I would just try and get some understanding about what is going on here

lilly0 · 19/01/2018 11:29

Check his computer see you if you can find the history, im not saying all men have high sex drives some do have low but I'd say it was uncommon for a guy to never want sex is he still masturbating ?

WitchesHatRim · 19/01/2018 11:54

I'd say it was uncommon for a guy to never want sex

It's actually more common than you think.

seasidelife · 19/01/2018 11:54

I've watched friends go through relationships like this, communication is a big factor, if he won't have a two way conversation and he doesn't listen or tries to argue when you try and tell him how you feel, if he deals with his life in the privacy of his own room, maybe leaving him a really clear, honest letter that he can read in his own time and space will at least let him know how serious this situation is for you. Then the ball is in his court if he wants to do something about it, if nothing happens, you have your answer!

Ellendegeneres · 19/01/2018 11:57

Being married does give you the right to have sex. That's why it features in the marriage vows. And why non consummation is grounds for an annulment

Fuck me this is a depressing interpretation of marriage vows. And why people think rape in relationships/marriage is acceptable.
Have a think about what you’ve said and who might read it- impressionable teens? Vulnerable people in relationships that are bullied/ coerced into sex because ‘it’s their right’. What a foul outlook to have.

XmasInTintagel · 19/01/2018 12:22

Being married does give you the right to have sex. That's why it features in the marriage vows.
Many of us had marriage vows that said we will 'obey' too - do you think we should all take them literally, and do everything our DH says, every time...or are we just picking the parts that suit from the vows?

BattleCuntGalactica · 19/01/2018 12:29

Jesus wept. Imagine if this was a bloke posting and he was talking about his wife this way. He'd be called an entitled wanker and worse. You can't force someone to have sex with you, coercion when someone doesn't want to is also utterly shit, and abusive behaviour.

You're clearly not happy, but this isn't abuse. If you're no longer compatible sexually then as other people have said, you could likely divorce under irreconcilable differences. You're having an emotional affair, which is infidelity and you can't have it both ways. This isn't an excuse to cheat, and cheating is abusive. I suggest you talk to a solicitor to weigh up your options.

MrMeSeeks · 19/01/2018 12:43

Being married does give you the right to have sex. That's why it features in the marriage vows. And why non consummation is grounds for an annulment
No, please no.

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