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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A son is a son untill he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life?

263 replies

Anxiousally · 18/01/2018 00:42

Aibu to ask if this is true in your experience?

It makes me feel quite sad Sad

DS is only 18 months old so I've a while yet Grin and DHs mum passed away when he was young so I've not really experienced/witnessed an adult male and mother bond?
Just curious?

OP posts:
Daffodils07 · 18/01/2018 07:40

It depends on a lot of things, I was very close to my mil before she sadly died.
As a family we are more close to my fil then my mum and dad.
I really hope I can give the same respect and love as my mil gave to me to future dil or sil.

altiara · 18/01/2018 07:42

yellow well once you marry and have DCs, that is your immediate family now and your parents/siblings should have their own lives to lead Smile

I don’t agree with the saying, I think it’s very much how you’ve brought up your own family. So if your DS chooses to have minimal contact, might mean he finds you suffocating not the DIL.
In my experience, my DH and my DB all have lots of contact with their mums.
We have MIL over to stay when she can fit it in, go on holiday sometimes, have a weeks holiday at her house in summer, have one of the DCs staying for a week, FaceTime weekly.
I think what makes my MIL lovely is that she gives us space to be our own family and is interested in all of us, not just her son or grandchildren. We interact as adults not with her acting as head of the family because she’s the Mum. DH does make a big effort as his parents divorced and he remembers clearly the lack of msintenance payments, dad shouting at them etc. So although good relationship with MIL, don’t see FIL very often.

KERALA1 · 18/01/2018 07:45

My mil - queen of banal cliches - spouts this.

Actually the reason you don't get on with your son is because you are not very nice to him. But much easier and less painful to blame dil hey.

Shineystrawberrylover · 18/01/2018 07:49

My mother is definetly closer to my married brother than she has ever been to me. So I don't fund much truth from there. However my dh's mum has 3 daughters and 1 son. She certainly expects to see her daughters more and has a close relationship with them. Noy so much her son. But I get the impressin this has been the case for years before he married me.

MissWilmottsGhost · 18/01/2018 07:50

I am closer to my DMil than my DM. Both her sons are close to her.

BarbarianMum · 18/01/2018 07:54

It's true in Mumsnetland where every man who still speaks to his mother is a pathetic mummy's boy. Hmm

In the real world i think it is often true in families where there are both sons and daughters. For women who only have sons, not so much.

Original poster
Anxiousally · 18/01/2018 07:54

Some really interesting replies thankyou!! Glad I posted. I plan to have a really good loving emotional bond with DS and teach him family is important. I would wany a close relationship with him and his own family one day! But I have a while before we worry about it I suppose Grin

OP posts:
Helendee · 18/01/2018 07:55

It definitely depends on the woman they end up with. Some women want to put their own families first but not all by any means.
I am very lucky that I am very close to my three sons but I know that I fit into their lives and not vice versa as it should be.
My daughter and I are extremely close, I am hugely grateful for my family.

Graceflorrick · 18/01/2018 07:56

It definitely depends on the wife, some women have to be number 1 and can’t allow other relationships. You see it also with men who leave marriages and the new wife doesn’t support relationships with previous DC.

FittonTower · 18/01/2018 07:58

Not something I've seen. I know men that aren't close to their mothers but their marriages didn't effect that, they are just not close to their mothers. Same with daughter's.
And my BiL's wife doesn't really like his family, including our MIL so she doesn't see any of us. Doesn't mean my BiL doesn't see her tho, sees her loads just without his wife. Everyone is fine with that arrangement, and she comes along to weddings and funerals and stuff, she's just not mega sociable or that fond of any of her husband's family.

Firstimer703 · 18/01/2018 07:58

Depends on the wife probably! My husband still has the same relationship with his mum and I spend time with her on my own too. It's an important relationship so I want it for him too.

Lethaldrizzle · 18/01/2018 08:00

Definitely not in my dh's case!

Stormwhale · 18/01/2018 08:02

I would say that it seems true in my experience. However my pils are quote difficult people and i honestly think that if they were easier to deal with then it wouldn't be this way.

BeyondThePage · 18/01/2018 08:03

I think it is the transfer of "duty" - traditionally a man will become responsible for the care of his wife when he marries.

With us - we live closer to MIL than DM so have always been a bit closer and done more for MIL since we married - and I now have a health condition - MIL was most aggrieved when I had a heart attack - her first words were not "how are you" - but "who is going to take care of me now"...

Batteriesallgone · 18/01/2018 08:15

It definitely depends on the wife, some women have to be number 1 and can’t allow other relationships. You see it also with men who leave marriages and the new wife doesn’t support relationships with previous DC

Utter bullshit. The man is clearly at fault. Lazy men make their partners think they are on a pedestal so they will do all the grunt work uncomplainingly. The same lazy men then point at their wife and say ‘I can’t possibly do anything without her because she won’t let me’ when what they mean is ‘she won’t organise it for me and I can’t be arsed’

diddl · 18/01/2018 08:21

Yes, also if men more often used to live at home until they married.

My husband had already moved out, so it made little difference in that respect.

Peregrina · 18/01/2018 08:29

I think the two things that are key are what sort of woman the DS ends up with, and what sort of relationship she has with her own mum.

Sadly no. I think some MILs won't like any wife their son has.

Helendee · 18/01/2018 08:33

Peregrina.

That happens both ways I'm afraid.

roundaboutthetown · 18/01/2018 08:34

My dbs have just as close a relationship with my parents as I do - we are all close. I think the idea that men always cease to take an interest in their own parents when they leave home is old fashioned and went hand in hand with parents grooming their girl children from an early age to look after their parents as they became elderly!

BombsAway · 18/01/2018 08:35

It doesn't hold true amongst people I know.

The opposite is true in my own case, we see far more of PIL as a couple than the OH ever did as a single 20 something.

LadyBunnysWig · 18/01/2018 08:39

My brother ditched his family when he met his wife. My SIL is closer to us than he is now. She is the one who rings my mum and comes round to mine. He doesn't bother.
My DH on the other hand is close to his parents. While it has been strange for me to basically inherit a second mother, but one whom I have no history with, suddenly there is a new lady giving me advice on raising my child, discussing my family and being very invested in us. I find it strange but not in a bad way. They're amazing people and I am so grateful my DH is close to them and we have them.

WingsOnMyBoots · 18/01/2018 08:45

A replica of this thread and several more like it were already up on mn a couple of months ago.

So before we post we have to check it's not been discussed ever before and if it has, not post about it?

Snowysky20009 · 18/01/2018 08:47

Me and my brother are not close to my dm so yes in that case.

Dp is very close to his dm, sees her daily.

My exdp is very close to his dm.

My ds, only only 14 & 18 at the moment, but we are close- they are 'best friends with dads' but if something is wrong, worrying them, upset or need someone to talk to then it's me they come too. Often with the opening line 'please don't tell dad but.....'. Ds 18 has a gf (2 years), and sometimes people say ooooo will you two get married? He laughs and says 'let us see if we get through uni together first', but then always says 'mum loves my gf,, and she loves mum, if I met someone else and they didn't like my mum then I wouldn't stay with her' lol.
I have reminded that you can't help who you fall in love with, but he's adiment that it would be a deciding factor. He's seen how his dad's new gf, has come in and made things difficult for his dad and his mum, and never wants to go through it.

mummmy2017 · 18/01/2018 08:50

It all depends on who the child marries.
Sometimes no matter how nice you are if the patner is the stronger personality, they can drive a wedge between a mother and a child.

whiskyowl · 18/01/2018 08:51

It depends. In a healthy relationship, no, of course it isn't true. But the mother-son bond is just weird in a lot of cases, with the son kept closer and expected to be more dependent than any daughter, and all kinds of fear, obligation and guilt practised to keep things that way. If you basically make it so that your son can either have a healthy adult relationship, or be your son, then you probably will see less of him than you would if you let him grow up to be an independent adudlt.