A son is a son untill he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life?

[Anxiousally]

Aibu to ask if this is true in your experience?

It makes me feel quite sad

DS is only 18 months old so I've a while yet and DHs mum passed away when he was young so I've not really experienced/witnessed an adult male and mother bond?
Just curious?

Like other pp's I hope not - I have 3 adult sons & think we get along pretty well - probably better now they're grown than when they were teenagers :) Luckily too I like their partners & they me - we enjoy our time together but I respect their partnerships & hope I would never "shoulder" my way in with unwanted criticisms or comments. I sometimes wonder what daughters would have been like, but am getting these now as grandchildren, yay - but I love my sons to bits & dont think I have "lost" them to their partners.

SAGELY not safely ffs

Totally depends. I have an amazing MIL (and an amazing Mum) and both DH and I have good relationships with both of them. My MIL doesn't have any daughters though, so I wonder if that makes it easier.

I think the two things that are key are what sort of woman the DS ends up with, and what sort of relationship she has with her own mum.

I have a quite frankly crap relationship with my Mum, I love my mum in law to bits and pieces and we're very close.

Obviously it's always dependent upon a number of circumstances. I just hope that when my boys grow up, that they feel we still have a close relationship with one another.

My MIL is, in the nicest possible way, a big part of our lives. We go on holiday with her, live round the corner and she sees us and our DC a couple of times a week. In fact this afternoon she’s popping round for a cuppa with me while the kids are in nursery.

I know it depends on the characters involved - and there’s definitely some kind of acknowledgement needed that the son’s life and priorities have shifted slightly - but it’s not all bleak really and a good relationship can happen.

I think for both of us, bluntly, at the points where we have found each other tough going we’ve found neither of us have wanted to make life tough for DH or make him feel torn and that has seen us through.

I believe it has to do with the dil's upbringing. When my children were born my parents pointed out from day one that there were two sets of grandparents and the children have the right to a close and loving relationship with both sets. It never occured to me that my dh would have anything less than the same family relationship with his people than I had with mine.

You only have to read mn to see how frequently some people advise others to go nc with in laws, often over very trivial stuff and imagined slights. If you have sons I would suggest you examine very closely the example you are setting them and the subliminal messages you are sending them. How are you treating you dp's parents? Are you tolerant of oddbods in the family? Are you trying to avoid being involved in your dh's family? Children do notice these things and will grow up regarding it as the norm.

I remember people to be far more tolerant and forgiving than they are now. Everyone had a mad uncle or daft aunt or strange mil. They were never abandoned though. It was just regarded as part of lifes rich tapestry. Get togethers were hilarious back in the day! I miss those times.

I think it depends on the wife though, you see a lot of posts on here (and advice) from women who instantly see it as a combative relationship and the MIL as a rival. Interesting how all the responsibility for the mother son relationship is put on the dil. The son and the MIL who are supposed to have the relationship are passive in this? Don't make the mistake of seeing a few posts on this forum as representative of life. People with the worst relationship with their inlaws are always more likely to respond than people who are happily get on with it.

Dh has a great relationship with his mother, he's the golden boy and by association we are the golden family, lucky us! I like mil, we get on well together.

Bring your son up to be a decent human being who respects women, respect his life choices, be supportive and don't be controlling, be the best you can be. Most relationships are better when both parts behave respectfully towards each other.

No, but it's the mantra of the SMOGs. (Smug mums of girls).

I have both sexes of children, DH is as close and supportive of his parents as he can be given we live 3 hours away.

Its been true here. But my mil is a nightmare. Told me I was a slag that was ruining her sons life when we announced we were pregnant.

I'd have likely made more of an effort otherwise. She even moved to the same town to see us more...dh has seen her twice this year. She has 4 sons none of them really bother with her.

My brother is very close to my mum. All sounds like a load of bollocks.

Depends on the people - and on the son! We're very close with DH's mum. She's coming to stay next week and she has a great relationship with DD. Its very important for DH that DD is close with her grandparents and I encourage that. It's possibly slightly truer with BiL and SiL - her parents wishes always end up taking priority, but DMiL still has a good relationship with DD's cousins.

Self fulfilling prophecy.

If you believe it it will happen.

I think it depends on the mum.

There are always extremes of behaviour.

But I find it amusing that one of the standards on MN for seeing if a man is nice is 'how he treats his mother' then as soon as he gets married MN seems to expect an immediate distance to be formed.

Depends on how you bring them up I think.

If you bring them up to think social interactions, caring for children, keeping house etc are women’s work then it’s true.

If you bring them up to interact with you on their own merits, take equal share in childcare, housework etc then it won’t be true. Their equal partnership will look to you for advice as much as the other set of parents.

If you’re not a feminist now, take having a son as your spur to be one!

It seems true if I judge based on us and friends around us.

Not true here as we live near my ILs, and see them every month. My family live overseas an we see them twice a year.

I think the phrase was more appropriate in my GMs generation where a daughter was expected to take on responsibility for aging parents, and sons weren't. My own GM wore herself out looking after her children, working as a teacher, and looking after her parents. Her male siblings did nothig to help. The male siblings however were the ones to inherit. It wasn't a great time to be a woman.

Tilly

If a man is relatively indifferent about his parents and his wife wants him to have a relationship with them, she may go out of her way to facilitate this. I perceive it to be less the other way round, ie a man pushing a woman to see her parents. But I am happy to be corrected.

If on the other hand the partner ie husband or wife etc are controlling or abusive then yes, these spouses/partners will equally have an affect on how often the adult child sees their parent.

Moreover there are many people, who try and control others and not necessarily always for nefarious reasons. It could be a partner encouraging them to stay away from abusive parents for example.

Therefore whilst I don’t entirely disagree with what you have said I don’t agree either. And I don’t think stating this view is in any way categorising or demeaning women.

IMHO it will depend, to some extent, on who he chooses for his life partner.

I think a lot of it is down to the partner they choose.

Many believe that once their husband marries them that they become more important than the partners family. You see it numerous times on here, quotes like we are his family now, I should come first, only my mum is visiting the new baby etc

True in my family's case. Mr brother rarely speaks to our mum and if anything, it's his wife that makes the effort to get us all together. I hope my DS turns out differently, but I have no great expectations.

Sorry I haven't RTFT but that's definitely not my experience in life so far.
I was not close to my mum at all, neither was my sister. In fact I know loads of women who do not get on with their mothers.

Ditto Colin. My mum and I aren’t emotionally close, I share things with them as matter of fact rather than reaching for support.

I hope that when my DS get married I have enough of a life of my own that my happiness doesn’t rest on their relationship.

As a mother of three boys (no girls) I hate this saying.

Should I just give up on them now and let them get on with it? Withdraw myself from them?

No. You can still enjoy them as children. I personally don’t expect to have much of a relationship with a son after he meets his life partner, which is anticipated so I won’t be hurt by it.