MIL advice needed....

[Padgatepeach]

I’m new to mumsnet and I am looking for some advice regarding my mother in law. I have a feeling this may turn out to be a long post but please bear with me.

I’m married to her son and we’ve been together for 5 years. During that time I’ve always got on okay with my MIL. However since having my daughter 6 months ago things have deteriorated.

A catalogue of things have happened, the worst being that my MIL and FIL took my daughter out in their car to visit their friends without my permission when they were minding her when she was 4 weeks old.

They asked me if they could take her out and I said no. I trusted that they’d listen to me but unfortunately they didn’t. When I called back to collect my daughter an hour later they were out. I sat on the drive in my car crying until they returned. I told them I was unhappy that they’d gone against my wishes and my MIL tried to blame me saying I hadn’t been clear that they weren’t to take her out.

To cut a long story short, rightly or wrongly I agreed with my husband that we’d all put the incident behind us for the sake of our daughter but deep down I’m still angry nearly 6 months later.

What’s really upsetting me is that prior to my daughter being born my MIL asked if she could look after her 1 day a week when I go back to work. I agreed as we had a good relationship, however now I don’t trust her and I’d rather pay for my daughter to go to nursery.

I’ve tried to speak to my husband about this and his view is that we should give them the benefit of the doubt and let them look after our daughter but the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. To make matters worse I’m happy for my father and step father to look after her (my mum has passed away) as I trust that they will listen to our wishes.

If we were to send our daughter to nursery rather than to my MIL it would cause world war 3, so what I’m hoping for is some coping mechanisms/advice from those that have been in a similar situation because at the moment I’m ruining my maternity leave worrying about what’s going to happen when I go back to work.

I think your instincts are right, your MIL looking after DD is just a doorway to a whole world of arguments. But how to get out of this without everyone kicking off?

How about suggesting your DD go full time to nursery at first, to allow her to adjust (make up some friends who found this really helped their kids settle) and more importantly you to adjust and you'll review is 3 months...or never. Could that strategy give you some breathing space?

You definitely can't have your Dad or stepdad looking after and not MIL, at least not initially, as that is too obvious.

That’s a good point about op’s baby not even being there when she went to pick her up. That is unacceptable.

I agree with what a pp has said about the wishing it was your mum offering childcare. I adore my mil but il admit i always favour my dad when it comes to babysitting my own mother passed away. Ive always had a great relationship with mil but when i had my dd i became very cold towards her, she was lucky if she got within 2 metres of me and dd and when she did get close almost everything she did felt over baring.. looking back i can see how wrong i was and i make a very conscious effort to be warm to mil when dd is around even though i admit i still sometimes find it hard shes only human and she once made a very tactless but innocent comment about being the best nanny i took her head off and i think at that moment she understood me. Other then the dd issue we are like best friends we often have days out just the 2 of us we talk every day and i wouldnt want it any other way and ive recognised that my feelings towards her relationship with my dd come from a place of greif nothing more i now share babysitting duties as equally as i can but i also use another close family member for childcare when needed but i always ensure i ask mil to babysit before its been so long that she will ask that way its on my terms. Very complicated relationship mil/dil but actually probably one of the most important relationships youll ever have im glad i realised before it was too late.

I have read the full thread and tried to see and understand the different emotions, opinions etc.

The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is so important that I believe it's always worth, when needed, spending time either keeping that relationship as strong as possible or, again if needed, doing your utmost to repair any damage or trust issues as well as possible. This is regardless of whether you are the grandparents/grandparents-in-laws or adult children/in-law. The person missing out most from a damaged relationship is often the child.

Have you been able to chat with your mother-in-law about the immense depth of your emotions caused by them taking your daughter out? If not, would you be able to do this? If you don't feel you can chat face to face (totally understand how emotional this could be, and stressful) could you perhaps write them a carefully worded letter that doesn't accuse or show anger etc, but clearly shows how their actions have left you with an overwhelming fear regarding trust? It could be that they have no idea how it has affected you or that it has dented your trust such that you no longer trust them?

I do wonder, as in playing devil's advocate a little here, if they misinterpreted or misunderstood your instructions. I am wondering if they believed that, because of saying it would be OK when their son had shown them how to fix the car seat, they took that to mean that as soon as they knew how to fix the seat they could then take their precious grandchild in their car? Most things involving a 'how to' scenario can now be learned quickly with downloading manufacturers manuals or watching a few YouTube videos. It could have been a genuine misunderstanding and they are now confused about the change of dynamic perhaps?

I truly hope you can sort this out amicably because that relationship between your mother-in-law and you daughter is so important and could be invaluable to your daughter as she grows up; is it worth damaging it irreparably when it has a good chance of being discussed and repaired now, whilst she is still unaware

@bedsox I totally agree with you about the DIL/MIL relationship being one of the most important you can have. I think it is always worth working at. I have no love, respect or interest in my mother due to her parenting methods. Initially I was terrified of my MIL, but once my 1st child was born that changed and I loved her more than I thought possible to love another woman part from my grandma.

My MIL did quite a few things I didn't agree with and some I felt a tad uncomfortable with, but, that was her relationship with her grandchildren and I respected that. If any safety issue cropped up I made sure we talked about it, but I never got angry, never spoke as though I was accusing her, just explained my point of view and cleared up any misunderstanding. She died suddenly when she was only 56, but my children still remember her with such love and fondness, the sort that only grandmas and grandchildren share.

A MIL can be a huge source of support, help and love and its definitely a relationship worth working at.

I think yabu, I think this is a way to punish her and, down the road, you'll be punishing DD for not having a great relationship with her GM, which she would have if you let her look after her one day a week.

Letting your step father look after her is just rubbing her nose in the control you have and it's not fair all round.

MILs come in for some mighty abuse in MN, it's well known.

My MIL has made passing comments about my parenting style and joked that she’ll be doing things differently once I go back to work

This is the problem. The complete lack of regard for your wishes and therefore destroying any trust. Have you got your DD on a waiting list for a nursery? I would do that as back up. Yes they mucked up, but for your DH’s sack you should give them a chance. If they listen to you and do as you’ve asked, then it’s fine. If they ignore again, then you have the nursery place. Do they realise how important car seats are? If they’ve learnt from it, give them the benefit of the doubt. And I say this as someone with a 1950’s nurse MIL who disagrees with cycle helmets, stair gates, baby monitors and nut allergies.

Oh. And next time you IL’s jest about doing things differently, pull them up on it. I’m not saying that they’re bad people but should your DC agave allergies and they’re of the mindset that they know best, it could be life or death in the worse scenario.

I think it's normal to feel anxiety at leaving a baby especially if you subconsciously feel they will not respect your role as mother and decision maker.

That said, playing the long game here can also be beneficial. Your child will grow up and will go to school - this is where GPs come into their own. They're starting to slow down so are fine with an after school arrangement and it beats an after school club.

I would be honest and say you're considering nursery for continuity of routine but do a few trial runs for the odd afternoon to see if they take the rules seriously. But do give them a chance..

Agree with playing the long game. Could you use nursery care to start with and let both GPs look after your DD on a less regular basis (at weekends etc) until you know for sure if you can trust your PIL or not?

Continuity of routine is a good reason for choosing nursery over GP care to start with and you would not be saying a blanket no to MIL, just not setting up a regular arrangement for the time being. This may help 'sell' the idea to your DH as he won't have to say no to his MIL, just 'not for now'.

If she proves trustworthy, you can reduce nursery hours and arrange for her to do more regular childcare, if not, then you have good reason to say no. Either way, it keeps the door open to the possibility of your Dad doing more regular childcare at some point because it will be based on his ability to be respectful and follow your wishes - exactly the same criteria you will be applying to MIL.

This approach would keep you and DH in control. By not setting the precedent of regular childcare now you are free to scale GP care up down in the future depending on how comfortable you are.

It may turn out that you are fine with PIL looking after her on a regular basis. You are not saying never, just that trust needs to be rebuilt for this to happen and that sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

How will only seeing a new grandbaby with their mother or father present when they are a month old damage the relationship? They can get to know one another just fine that way when they are young. OP isn't saying "I'm never going to see her AGAIN!!"

I don't think YABU.

This is your first baby, only 4 weeks old. My SIL did similar with my first baby - took her out without my knowledge (and this was the days before mobiles!) and I was practically frothing at the mouth by the time they got back. That baby never left my side from then on when the ILs were around.

Because, basically, my ILs didn't respect my wishes (there's more to it than I've written here). I believe your ILs did hear your clear instruction but the comment about 'doing things their way' when you go back to work seems to clearly suggest they chose to disregard your wishes, thinking they 'know best'.

This is a major clanger and I think you're going to have to bunch up your courage and clearly state your very real and legitimate concerns. It may be a cultural difference (?) or a generational difference - ie that GP genuinely believe GC are their property somehow - but that isn't how it rolls with you.

The problem is you have to get DH onside. I suspect your anxiety is largely bcs DH hasn't supported you and doesn't recognise the seriousness of your concerns. And yes I do believe your concerns are serious - it makes no difference that back in the day babies were left to roll around in the back of cars (

Suki what a strange post! You say you don't respect your own dm but then say what y
A great relationship you have with your Mil!!

I would agree with you you on the initial point that a genuine mistake was made but the second comment about doing things her own a
Way shows total disrespect.

Op I am going to big advocate of family looking after baby first for a whole host of reasons over a nursery.
I believe the family member usually loves the child more than the care giver in a nursery. I have worked in the care setting and have a view behind the curtain.. Usually not somewhere I would put a baby.
However in this case I don't see any choice because if you put baby into nursery.. At least you have some control left. Your paying and it's a business relationship
.. With Mil your handing over everything to her and you will lose control over baby.

I wasn't clear there suki. I mean you acknowledge that any dm relationship can be difficult.
My dh relationship with you his dm is almost non existent. I can certainly see as time has gone on why dh has no confidence m

mrsdilber
As childhood grows and sees Mil disregarding what dm says child won't have much respect for her either.
My dd saw us struggling here with Potty training... Ie dd screaming she didn't want pants so we put nappy on... As soon as Mil had her into pants.. AS soon as dd got home screaming and crying nappy on. She gave dd a real complex about it abd my older dd saw this absolute blatant disregard for younger dd, for us etc. It set us back and we had ti go low contact again until nappy was over and she was done.

And yes I did speak to her about it but her eyes glazed over, she told me dd had no issues wearing pants at her house.

OP left the new baby for the first time for 2 hours so she could get a short sleep.
In this time, they messed with fitting a car seat, & drove to someone's house to show off

There was no necessity, they then had coffee etc, & got back later than the arranged time without letting OP know.
She was terrified, & the rest she had planned completely blown out of the water.
These people are not interested in what's best for the baby, they don't care about DIL, her wishes, or have any integrity at all

the rest she had planned completely blown out of the water.

Huh? She’d had the rest before going to pick baby up!

Your MIL is disrespectful saying to your face she'll be changing things - patronising and condescending come to mind - personally I'd follow her comment with oh ok in that case I'll send her to nursery instead on your day, thankfully DSDad has more respect for me and our parenting choices

As a matter of interest was the car seat on properly when they came back? I presume you checked?

I imagine the effects of that rest were pretty short lived Titty.

@saysomethingnice. Not a strange comment at all. I put that to show I understand bad relationships, after being brought up with an exceptionally abusive and neglectful mother (and father).. It made me treasure my great relationship with my MIL even more. It also made me realise that good relationships are well worth the time and effort. I feel so sad even now that my mother is still this way.

I felt similar when going back to work myself. My in laws were terrible for overstimulating my loI and always wanted lo to be awake which left me with a very unhappy baby after visits. I had a great routine and lo was sleeping the recommended amount and was just a contented baby and I was so scared mil would wreck that and that lo would be overtired and upset.

I was in bits but my mother told me to write everything down for my mil so it was crystal clear what I wanted. I felt better knowing there could be no dispute over what I wanted. I didn't write a war and peace novel, I just focused on things most important to me such as nap times and no TV or screen time. To be fair, she kept to it. Of course there were the odd things she did differently to me that made me anxious but my mum would always remind me 'that my lo was safe, loved, fed and that whatever mil did was not going to cause any damage and that I needed to pick my battles'. Over time it got easier and now she's one of only a handful of people I'd trust with my (now toddler) lo.

So my advice is give it a go. Write down exactly what you want your mil to do. It's written down so there can be no dispute over what you did or didn't say and if she doesn't stick to it then she's blown her chance and no one can accuse you of not trying.

Long term it will be good for your daughter to have a good relationship with her and getting to know each other one day a week is a good start.

Good luck!

My MIL has made passing comments about my parenting style and joked that she’ll be doing things differently once I go back to work

Right. Well that would be it then.

Plus at 4 weeks OP came back to find her baby gone and the MIL was unapologetic! What more do you need?

The fact that a DIL/MIL relationship is so carefully balanced is EXACTLY why you should read the signs and side step this whole issue and use a nursery. If a nursery does something you're not happy with you can complain and leave if necessary. You can't do that with a MIL without making BIG waves.

I'd put money on the waves being bigger and longer running if you let her look after DD. Ride one big wave now and just say it's nursery all the way and get it over with. Preserves relationship with MIL in the long run.

The thing is with going ahead with this and writing notes for her and giving her chances ect is that it's going to be much harder to untangle from this than not starting in the first place.

To my mind she's shown you how its going to be and you'd be mad to go into it.

I sympathise OP. My MIL would do things her way when babysitting to undermine me, not using feet to foot in cot, putting new clothes on DD after we’d gone out despite knowing this could cause excema flare up, continued to let them babysit to appease DH and make things “fair” between them and my own DP. Things got to a head one day when on way out I realised I hadn’t reminded her about sun cream. My DH told me not to phone, that his mum would put it on, everything would be fine. Well of course it wasn’t arrived home to a bright red, crying toddler. I made it clear I was NOT happy and she went to storm out saying nothing I ever do is good enough. I am missing huge chunks of back story but essentially she hadn’t had a daughter which she regretted massively and thought our DD was her chance to parent a wee girl. I regret not standing my ground from the beginning as once I blew we were very slowly able to get things on a better footing and rebuild the relationship. Your MIL needs to be reminded that while she was very excited to show off her new grandchild in doing so she endangered her life - travelling in incorrectly fitted car seat. She put her own wants over your daughters needs. I would do broken record whenever she talks about doing things her way “we are her parents, we need to trust you can follow our wishes or we can’t leave her with you” “yes but you are her grandparent not her parent” etc etc