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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL advice needed....

200 replies

Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 20:04

I’m new to mumsnet and I am looking for some advice regarding my mother in law. I have a feeling this may turn out to be a long post but please bear with me.

I’m married to her son and we’ve been together for 5 years. During that time I’ve always got on okay with my MIL. However since having my daughter 6 months ago things have deteriorated.

A catalogue of things have happened, the worst being that my MIL and FIL took my daughter out in their car to visit their friends without my permission when they were minding her when she was 4 weeks old.

They asked me if they could take her out and I said no. I trusted that they’d listen to me but unfortunately they didn’t. When I called back to collect my daughter an hour later they were out. I sat on the drive in my car crying until they returned. I told them I was unhappy that they’d gone against my wishes and my MIL tried to blame me saying I hadn’t been clear that they weren’t to take her out.

To cut a long story short, rightly or wrongly I agreed with my husband that we’d all put the incident behind us for the sake of our daughter but deep down I’m still angry nearly 6 months later.

What’s really upsetting me is that prior to my daughter being born my MIL asked if she could look after her 1 day a week when I go back to work. I agreed as we had a good relationship, however now I don’t trust her and I’d rather pay for my daughter to go to nursery.

I’ve tried to speak to my husband about this and his view is that we should give them the benefit of the doubt and let them look after our daughter but the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. To make matters worse I’m happy for my father and step father to look after her (my mum has passed away) as I trust that they will listen to our wishes.

If we were to send our daughter to nursery rather than to my MIL it would cause world war 3, so what I’m hoping for is some coping mechanisms/advice from those that have been in a similar situation because at the moment I’m ruining my maternity leave worrying about what’s going to happen when I go back to work.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/01/2018 21:06

You told them the only reason they couldn't take the baby out in the car was because you believed them to be incapable of working out how to do the seatbelt round it properly. How rude.

Furthermore, they would need a young man, their DS, to show them because obviously dodder old idiots like them couldn't read actual instructions and make sensible choices.

All my car seats had a handy diagram on the side to show how to fit the seat belt properly.

You effectively called them idiots. You also effectively told them that if the seatbelt were fitted properly into the car seat then it would be fine to go out.

Maybe, being not actually total fuckwits, they realised they could do the seat up properly and did exactly that.

Why did you deem them so stupid? Is it because of their age? Past experience of them being dimwits? You being PFB? Feeling guilty about baby not being with you, dog-tired and looking for someone to lash out at?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 17/01/2018 21:06

OP, this is your baby, whether if causes world war three of not, is irrellevant. OP, do what you feel is right, if you don't want her to go to Mils, then she doesn't go, end of. Don't stress it. 🌺

JaneEyre70 · 17/01/2018 21:06

They are your DCs grandparents, and you have to remember that 30/40 years ago, there were no such things as car seats....my mum recalls putting me in my carry cot in the back seat of the car. It's hugely important to us as new parents, but to them, it's a seat strapped in and not the issue that you are seeing. I'd make sure they know how to use it properly, even buy them a spare Isofix base if it makes life easier but don't cut them out of your DCs life over one mistake. They love your baby and wouldn't ever deliberately harm them, they will just do things differently to you. It's really sad you are considering a nursery instead of a loving grandparent. There seem to be a lot of women with serious control issues on MN today Hmm.

Justanotherzombie · 17/01/2018 21:08

But notevil, the MIL is claiming that she didn't hear it as a 'no' and it's possible she's being honest about that. OP did say that maybe the following week when they'd figured out the seat so if MIL figured out the (very easy to figure out) group zero seat, maybe she wrongly thought that it would therefore be fine. When you are not feeling anxious at all about stuff, some people just don't get other people's anxiety leading to misunderstandings like this.

RadioGaGoo · 17/01/2018 21:08

'Or could your DH have a word with her about minding baby being conditional on respecting your (and DH's) wishes on the important things'

Sounds like MIL gets easily confused. Maybe she should just respect the OP and her DH's wishes on all things if she wants to mind the baby.

Nanny0gg · 17/01/2018 21:09

I'm a grandmother. I do childcare for my DGC. If the mother isn't bothered one way or the other I can make my own decisions.
If they want things done a certain way then that's what I do.

Simples.

Pugsleypugs · 17/01/2018 21:09

I know this probably doesn't really matter and I'm just curious but where did they take your baby, why were they so keen to go out in the car?

towtrucker · 17/01/2018 21:09

@RunRabbitRunRabbit seriously?! Op wasn't rude at all.
It doesn't matter what the reason was, she wasn't happy with them taking her daughter out but they went and did it anyway. Not their child, not their decision.

cantfindname · 17/01/2018 21:09

JaneEyre70 nail on the head. Serious case of over protective first time Mum. I would far rather have my child with G/parents who love her than in the care of anonymous staff at a nursery.

RadioGaGoo · 17/01/2018 21:10

You are absolutely right JaneEyre70. There are lots of women with serious control issues, the MIL being one of them.

Babytalkobsession · 17/01/2018 21:11

I think the comments from people saying 'it was a non-event' and implying that you're precious / controlling are either from people who haven't had a newborn or at least not for many years.

She was 4 weeks old! Of course op was going to be a bit anxious. I bloody was! Not to mention hormones. We're not designed to me relaxed about being away from our very young babies! It's a big step leaving a newborn. MIL should have understood and followed your wishes instead of swanning off to show off her grand daughter.

Ps I'm very precious on car seats. I know my mil is a bit Hmm but she follows my wishes (as far as I know!). She ignores anything to do with their diet though and gives them so much fucking juice....

towtrucker · 17/01/2018 21:11

@Pugsleypugs they took her to their friends house.

tiptopteepe · 17/01/2018 21:12

'serious control issues'!!!!

First time mums are often nervous and want things done in a very specific way (for example when my son was born I was obsessed with the temperature in his room) Yes maybe its sometimes overkill and they will eventually learn that BUT that does not give other people the right to decide against their wishes to do things with the child that make the mother anxious.

Good PIL and parents for that matter support the mother of the child and try and make them feel secure and relaxed. Actually try and help. They do not breach trust by going against expressed wishes because they dont agree. Fair enough to say they dont agree but to actually go against what the mother said is horrendous behaviour. Massive breach of trust at a very sensitive time.

Cheby · 17/01/2018 21:12

My MIL has made passing comments about my parenting style and joked that she’ll be doing things differently once I go back to work

Hell no to that OP. NFW would she be looking after my child.

I have a MIL who comments about our parenting style a lot. I was incapacitated for a while and she looked after DD1 overnight. I had no choice in the matter (and actually wasn’t even capable of making the arrangement). She took the opportunity to deliberately go against our wishes and she utterly traumatised an already upset and confused young child in a ridiculous bid to try and prove herself right. She will never be looking after our children again.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 17/01/2018 21:12

Please don't cut them off for being excited nd acting stupid.
You and Dh need to sit down and talk with them about boundaries.
They need to know they are risking their relationship with their own grandchild if they don't respect yours and Dh's parenting style and adhere to your wishes about the baby's care. Make sure they know if they do undermind you, they will not be getting to babysit weekly and you will pay to send her to nursery for that day instead.
We're all adults here, time to step up and act like parents and not cow down to them cause they are Dh's parents.
Try it before you get yourself into more of a state over this.
Also, did you actually say, No don't take her out. Or Did you say something like, I'd rather you didn't. Which was wishy washy.

Inertia · 17/01/2018 21:13

Nobody's threatening to cut the grandparents out of the baby's life! They'll still see the baby, just while OP and her DH are also there.

RadioGaGoo · 17/01/2018 21:13

I wonder why the PIL couldn't ask the friends to come over instead, given that the OP had requested that the baby did not go in the car.

tiptopteepe · 17/01/2018 21:13

Nannyogg exactly. Thats what anyone behaving respectfully would do.

Mulberry72 · 17/01/2018 21:14

I had similar issues with my MIL, completely disregarding my wishes in regard to feeding, nap times and smoking over DS when she had him on her knee. She only ever looked after him for two weeks when I went back to work, after that I put him in nursery full time as she couldn’t be trusted.

It caused murders but DH & I were adamant if she couldn’t do as we asked then she couldn’t look after him.

YANBU.

Nanny0gg · 17/01/2018 21:14

They are your DCs grandparents, and you have to remember that 30/40 years ago, there were no such things as car seats....my mum recalls putting me in my carry cot in the back seat of the car. It's hugely important to us as new parents, but to them, it's a seat strapped in and not the issue that you are seeing. I'd make sure they know how to use it properly, even buy them a spare Isofix base if it makes life easier but don't cut them out of your DCs life over one mistake. They love your baby and wouldn't ever deliberately harm them, they will just do things differently to you. It's really sad you are considering a nursery instead of a loving grandparent. There seem to be a lot of women with serious control issues on MN today

One mistake that was potentially life-changing if it went wrong.
If they're not in their dotage they've come across car seats and know they're important.
My first DC came home in a carrycot (which had collapsible sides! Shock) . Second DC came home in a car seat.
If anyone has potential 'control issues' it appears to be the GP who wants to wilfully do things her own way.

hollie11 · 17/01/2018 21:14

I would also consider the impact on your relationship with your husband if you do stop mil from providing childcare - against his wishes, and it subsequently causing ww3. Seems like your husband would prefer to put it in the past as a one off mistake, and if you do decide to stop her from providing childcare consequently causing a massive fallout, it puts your husband in a bit of a rubbish situation. It may end up causing resentment between you and him. I would be having a frank discussion with mil beforehand explaining that the carseat thing really upset you, why it upset you, and I'd basically tell her things like that cannot happen again if you want to look after dd. Make it clear you are the mother, and if you say something and they disregard it - that's it no more.

Saysomethingnice · 17/01/2018 21:15

Troels the problem is people like this usually just don't get it, will nod then carry on as usual.

You have to be of a certain character to do what they did then say what they said

Hassled · 17/01/2018 21:15

You've got a new baby and I get the impression you lost your mum relatively recently - the combination of the two is going to have stirred up a whole melting point. And you're back to work soon - you must be feeling overwhelmed. I expect you wish it were your mum, not your MIL, offering childcare and that's at the root of this - it's bloody hard (have been there).

If the PILs are otherwise decent people who have made one cock-up, then I think you need to try and see the wood for the trees and cut them some slack. See how it goes with them doing childcare - remember they managed to raise your DH OK, and that they love your DD.

BashStreetKid · 17/01/2018 21:15

My initial thought was that you may have over-reacted, in that it could well be that your in-laws had in fact worked out how to fit the seat safely without needing your husband to demonstrate it to them.

However, I wouldn't be happy about your MIL "joking" about your parenting style and saying that she would do things differently when she's in charge. No matter how jokey it was, it sounds like she doesn't agree with your methods and would indeed ignore what you asked. That on its own seems to be adequate justification for saying she won't be left in charge.

Nanny0gg · 17/01/2018 21:16

JaneEyre70 nail on the head. Serious case of over protective first time Mum. I would far rather have my child with G/parents who love her than in the care of anonymous staff at a nursery.

Love her so much she disregarded the parents' wishes.

Let's hope she doesn't take a mild dislike to her, eh?