MIL advice needed....

[Padgatepeach]

I’m new to mumsnet and I am looking for some advice regarding my mother in law. I have a feeling this may turn out to be a long post but please bear with me.

I’m married to her son and we’ve been together for 5 years. During that time I’ve always got on okay with my MIL. However since having my daughter 6 months ago things have deteriorated.

A catalogue of things have happened, the worst being that my MIL and FIL took my daughter out in their car to visit their friends without my permission when they were minding her when she was 4 weeks old.

They asked me if they could take her out and I said no. I trusted that they’d listen to me but unfortunately they didn’t. When I called back to collect my daughter an hour later they were out. I sat on the drive in my car crying until they returned. I told them I was unhappy that they’d gone against my wishes and my MIL tried to blame me saying I hadn’t been clear that they weren’t to take her out.

To cut a long story short, rightly or wrongly I agreed with my husband that we’d all put the incident behind us for the sake of our daughter but deep down I’m still angry nearly 6 months later.

What’s really upsetting me is that prior to my daughter being born my MIL asked if she could look after her 1 day a week when I go back to work. I agreed as we had a good relationship, however now I don’t trust her and I’d rather pay for my daughter to go to nursery.

I’ve tried to speak to my husband about this and his view is that we should give them the benefit of the doubt and let them look after our daughter but the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. To make matters worse I’m happy for my father and step father to look after her (my mum has passed away) as I trust that they will listen to our wishes.

If we were to send our daughter to nursery rather than to my MIL it would cause world war 3, so what I’m hoping for is some coping mechanisms/advice from those that have been in a similar situation because at the moment I’m ruining my maternity leave worrying about what’s going to happen when I go back to work.

[sallyarmy1]

Saysomethingnice

To be fair, so would I like to know 'her side of the story'.

What I do know though is that she has fallen out with every single member of her own family as well. Everyone, including her grandparents.

My son is not allowed friends, she has none either.

She was sort of homeless when my son took up with her - she was sleeping on anyone's sofa that offered her one.

Within 3 months of being with my son she was pregnant. We supported them, had them move in with us, helped them to get social housing etc etc.

All was well....until my lovely grandson arrived.

The only thing I can think that went wrong is that my son told her about his sister, my firstborn, who died from cot-death when she was 18 weeks old. The 'dynamics' seemed to change between us then. It was as if I was diseased.

But she has NEVER talked to me about it. Refused to let me talk about my son when he was a baby. Wouldn't even look at his baby photo's.

So, yes, I would like to also know what her side of the story is.

:(

[pastabakewithcheese]

@RunRabbitRunRabbit seriously? stfu honestly never have I heard so much rubbish. OP I've been there 4 weeks post partum you are still incredibly sleep deprived, hormonal and irrational especially with your first. Anything that feels like a threat will affect you and that can be as small as someone not listening to what your instructions were. You were undermined and disrespected because effectively your MIL decided you don't know any better and went ahead and did whatever she wanted.

That sets a precedence for future, and I'd be wary. YOU are the parent. Not your MIL. If the parent is undermined then by all means they have every right to hit the roof. Doesn't matter if the PILs have had kids the point is you asked for something not to happen and they ignored you

[greendale17]

My MIL has made passing comments about my parenting style and joked that she’ll be doing things differently once I go back to work

^Based on this comment alone I wouldn’t trust her to look after your child.

[MrsLupo]

My MIL has made passing comments about my parenting style and joked that she’ll be doing things differently once I go back to work, nothing as serious as the car seat safety issue but still, it hasn’t helped my anxiety’s

I don't think you're overreacting at all, OP, and I'm gobsmacked anyone thinks ignoring a direct instruction about a car seat is trivial, ffs. I might be giving them the benefit of the doubt if they were embarrassed and apologetic and did seem genuinely to have misunderstood what was said that first time - although there'd be some bloody big doubts in my mind, as this kind of undermining shit seems to be so common amongst ILs.

But your update is a complete dealbreaker, and again, so common. What is it about MILs that they think this kind of crap is even remotely OK? And if she's saying it to your face, be in no doubt that it's definitely going to happen. You only have to sample a few in-family childcare threads here to know how often such arrangements go pearshaped, so personally I would have been inclined to go with a nursery arrangement anyway, but now that this has been said, I think I would be totally honest and say that you won't be leaving your DD with them one day a week because your MIL has already said quite clearly she intends to do things differently from how you'd like, and you don't want that, thanks.

Be prepared for tears and sulks, but tbh you may as well get used to saying no to MIL, because it sounds like she's all set to push your buttons for years to come. And your DH needs to get with the programme.

[RadioGaGoo]

Would be interesting to hear your DIL's side of that story also Sallyarmy1.

[Tistheseason17]

What @greendale17 says

YANBU.

[Bluelady]

Just out of interest what kind of thing do you think your mil might do that you wouldn't be happy with?

[kitkatsky]

I wish I’d had the nerve to trust myself when I was in a very similar situation. Tell your OH he needs to sort it

[ArnoldBee]

I trust my dad implicitly who does my childcare and has done for the past 5 years. He does things differently to me but i knew he would and i don't have an issue with it or the thousands of pounds he has saved us in childcare. Your car seat issue would not have been a problem to me as car seats aren't difficult to figure out.

However in saying all that this is about you. Clearly you want things done in a particular way which you can only really get if you pay for it.

If your ils look after your baby you need to accept it will done their way and it's whether you can deal with that. If not nursery it is!

[Pugsleypugs]

I don't understand why your MIL couldn't get her friends to go to her if she was that keen to show off her grandchild. Just seems selfish that she disregarded your instruction/wishes just for the sake of showing off, I don't care how proud she was/is, it just isn't on.

[Plaintalkin]

You’d rather send your precious child to a nursery with strangers than having loving grandparents look after her?

They took the child out, didn’t dangle out of a second floor window. Now the car seat issue is resolved , what’s the problem. They managed to bring up your husband and I’m sure your daughter is as precious to them as she is to you .

[Saysomethingnice]

Run rabbit yours is quite a dangerous post. It I'd absolutely right to make sure thing are fitted properly... And done properly.
I have personally made the mistake twice of believing people to be competent and diligent and they were not.
Nothing really to do with the them.. But it behoves each one of us to check safety measures are in place.

[missmorleyme]

No your not veing unreasonable, you said no, for whatever reason, good or bad, nitpicking or not and they undermined you, id worry too if i was u.

[RadioGaGoo]

It's interesting. When MIL brought DH up, it is likely that it was advised for babies to sleep on their front, weaning at three months etc....

I wonder if MIL would respect any of OP's wishes in relation to current guidance, or disregard them because she managed to bring her son up.

[seven201]

Out of interest had the fitted the car seat correctly or not?

I think I would feel similar to you. My mum is also dead and I find it really hard to not resent my MIL. I have no doubt she'd love to do a day a week of childcare but she'd have to come stay the night before which I really don't want as I don't particularly get on with her and I'd have to clean and I have concerns as to whether she's physically up to it. I wish I was a better daughter in law! My daughter loves nursery and learns so so much.

[Rainbunny]

OP I can understand your anxiety and I agree it's not about whether your PILs can properly take care of your child, it's about saying they wouldn't do something and then going ahead and doing it anyway - lying to you in other words. They overrode your wishes to satisfy their wishes,they lied to you in other words. You seem to want to give them another chance, I would too to be honest. My question is, have they truly apologised to you and indicated that they understand why this was upsetting for you? Have they indicated that they really will respect your wishes in future? Perhaps you need to sit down and talk it out again with them, I sense it's all rather been swept under the carpet which is why you still feel so anxious.

Fuck being nice and submissive OP, be HONEST to your DH and PILs about your feelings. If they think you're being a precious, over-the-top new mum then so be it, embrace that label! Establish ground rules with your DH's help (he really needs to understand how anxious you truly are and be a team with you on this). They don't get to dismiss and overrule your wishes unless you let them if and once you are aware that they are doing so.

One practical idea might be to arrange a few times a day to facetime with your PILs and baby so you can see that everything is going okay.

and "RunRabbitRunRabbit " - The way you come off there could be a few juicy threads about you on here!

[SlipperShock]

YABU

I was expecting a list of things MIL has done wrong. But she has done ONE thing in 6 months and even then it's questionable if she was even wrong.

I'm sorry but why are PILs suddenly incapable of strapping a car seat using a seatbelt? Most car seats are simple to do and plenty of people are capable of doing it themselves.

I think that MIL probably thought that you had said no because you assumed they wouldnt be able to do the car seat as you painted that to be the problem not the fact you didn't want them to take her out at all. Once they managed to fit the car seat they probably thought they were now ok to take her out.

Another point, DD isn't just your daughter, she's your DH's as well. Does he not have a say? At the end of the day your PIL managed to raise someone well enough for you to marry them so surely they're capable of looking after your DD?

I don't think you're being fair and need to give them a chance. Make your wishes clear and if they tell deliberately go against them, then fair enough, end the arrangement.

Seems to me though that you're a control freak (so am I so I don't mean that horribly) who just wants her own DF to look after your DD rather than MIL.

[TheCraicDealer]

I think the relative easiness of fitting car seats is irrelevant. OP didn't know how to do it, it might have been super complicated or easy to make an simple error (and it is) for all she knew. She explained that she would like her DH to show them how to do it before they took her anywhere. That is a very reasonable request. My DSis did the same with me and our parents before we looked after 12 week old DNeice. It was the OP's PILs first time minding this tiny baby- most people with an ounce of sense and consideration would do whatever they could to reduce the anxiety of a first time parent being separated from their PFB, not just completely ignore very simple requests.

I could even see past it if this was an urgent errand- someone needing to go to A&E, or elderly relative fallen down stairs or something. But no, they just swanned off to show off your newborn to their mates. They decided that that was more important than preserving what had been a good, trusting relationship. They were very privileged to have that time with their tiny grandchild and they've just pissed on their chips by showing you how much they really care about your wishes with regards to your baby.

In summary- pay for nursery.

[Rainbunny]

SlipperShock - did you read all OP's posts? She's not saying she won't allow her PILs to have her baby once a week, just that she is extremely anxious about it due to that one event and she can't seem to move past that. She's asking for coping strategies for her anxiety so she's obviously aware that she needs to get used to others taking care of her child, telling her she's a control freak is extremely unhelpful IMO.

[Schoolchoicesucks]

Only OP knows whether the 'jokes' about how the PIL will do things differently/disregard OP's way of doing things are 'friendly jokes' or are a red flag.

OP I'm another motherless mother with a MIL and a step-mother who are both very different to my mother and to me. It does make for a tricker relationship.

They messed up on taking your dc out when you'd asked them not to. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was a sign that they don't respect your views as your dc's parent. We can't know.

Are good people with your dc's best interests at heart, that will love your dc. Do you think you and your dp can talk to them and make them understand that you and he are the parents and if you are to trust them to care for your dc, they have to respect your wishes?
Would you be able to trust that they will be able to use their judgement?

A mix of nursery and grandparents care sounds like the best of both worlds to me. You're not completely reliant on one set of gp's, there's the professional and educational benefits and mixing with other children at nursery. And also being care for by family who love her.

[DreamyMcDreamy]

My MIL has made passing comments about my parenting style and joked that she’ll be doing things differently once I go back to work, nothing as serious as the car seat safety issue but still, it hasn’t helped my anxiety’s

No.Just no. Seriously, take it from me, nip it in the bud now as it will carry on and just make you miserable/anxious.
She's expressly gone against your wishes (and not against something trivial either, a car seat not fitting properly for goodness sake!) AND she "jokes" about how she's going to do it all differently when you're around?! (Read - undermine your parenting decisions and treat you like a child at the same time.)
It's shit, and it won't get any better unless you stand firm. It's not worth all the hassle, get a childminder if you can.
Not so bad when your baby is a baby - it's worse when your child is older, and grandparents are undermining everything you do and making you out to be the bad guy!

[WhooooAmI24601]

My MIL has made passing comments about my parenting style and joked that she’ll be doing things differently once I go back to work

Jokes like this are rarely jokes; they generally come with an undercurrent of thinking they know best and undermining someone.

I'm a huge fan of GPs being involved in DCs lives; my own DC are close to all of their GPs. But I'm also aware that the GPs in question never overstepped the mark and believed their way was better. If they had, I'd have stood my ground. Your MIL is aware, presumably, of your anxiety, and instead of attempting to support you and alleviate stress she's adding to it by putting her own wishes above yours. That's where she's out of line and you've every right to say 'no' to the childcare. There's no law saying Grandparents must have equal time with Grandchildren.

[anothernetter]

It would have taken a lot for me to feel comfortable with leaving my baby with anyone at only four weeks old. You put your trust in them and they abused your trust and have proven that they don't deserve it. YANBU. My MIL no longer gets to look after my children because she's shown she has no regard to my feelings.

[HouseworkIsAPain]

The comments that she’ll ‘parent’ differently to you when you go back to work will not help your anxiety.

You could have FT nursery for the baby, but say to your MIL and step dad that they could do one day each per week/fortnight/month - whatever you feel comfortable with. That way you have childcare sorted whilst you’re working and the GPS have an opportunity to have time with your DD every so often.

If you view MILs time with DD as a treat (for both of them) rather than a necessity that enables you to work, you may be able to let go of the anxiety knowing it’s not a every single week.

[StrandedStarfish]

It took time OP, and whenever I had a decision to make or an issue to resolve I would ask myself “what would my mum do.” , and just do that.

As secondborn grew, she has so many traits of my mother ( though they never met) that I still take comfort from my mothers qualities in my child.