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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL advice needed....

200 replies

Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 20:04

I’m new to mumsnet and I am looking for some advice regarding my mother in law. I have a feeling this may turn out to be a long post but please bear with me.

I’m married to her son and we’ve been together for 5 years. During that time I’ve always got on okay with my MIL. However since having my daughter 6 months ago things have deteriorated.

A catalogue of things have happened, the worst being that my MIL and FIL took my daughter out in their car to visit their friends without my permission when they were minding her when she was 4 weeks old.

They asked me if they could take her out and I said no. I trusted that they’d listen to me but unfortunately they didn’t. When I called back to collect my daughter an hour later they were out. I sat on the drive in my car crying until they returned. I told them I was unhappy that they’d gone against my wishes and my MIL tried to blame me saying I hadn’t been clear that they weren’t to take her out.

To cut a long story short, rightly or wrongly I agreed with my husband that we’d all put the incident behind us for the sake of our daughter but deep down I’m still angry nearly 6 months later.

What’s really upsetting me is that prior to my daughter being born my MIL asked if she could look after her 1 day a week when I go back to work. I agreed as we had a good relationship, however now I don’t trust her and I’d rather pay for my daughter to go to nursery.

I’ve tried to speak to my husband about this and his view is that we should give them the benefit of the doubt and let them look after our daughter but the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. To make matters worse I’m happy for my father and step father to look after her (my mum has passed away) as I trust that they will listen to our wishes.

If we were to send our daughter to nursery rather than to my MIL it would cause world war 3, so what I’m hoping for is some coping mechanisms/advice from those that have been in a similar situation because at the moment I’m ruining my maternity leave worrying about what’s going to happen when I go back to work.

OP posts:
rollingonariver · 17/01/2018 20:53

I think you should send your baby to full time childcare. Family childcare sounds like a bad idea in this case.
It's not her 'fucking up' you're worried about it's the fact that you can't

Saysomethingnice · 17/01/2018 20:54

Just had a thought about doing this to my dd. My beautiful dd with her very first precious child... Needing support and help could I laugh in her face, a mum of a few weeks and say.. I'm going to do things differently... Hmm what a horrible undermining disrespectful thing to do say

Original poster
Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 20:54

I don’t think my PIL are bad people, I don’t dislike them, I’m just worried that this won’t be a one off.

I may be overreacting, feeling physically sick etc but this is my daughter and she means everything to me. I think if my own mum was still alive and I could talk to her and have a heart to heart I’d feel much better about it.

I don’t want to feel the way I’m feeling and I certainly don’t want to upset my inlaws. The easiest thing for everyone would be for me not to feel like this but I can’t deny that I’m worried and that it’s still upsetting me after all this time.

OP posts:
IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 17/01/2018 20:55

Nursery. She doesn't get to do this shit to you. Doing things differently...like what?

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 17/01/2018 20:55

I agree op. If they’re like this about something as serious as not taking the baby out in the car, what will they be like about the “smaller” things (I.e. no sweets before dinner etc).

Notasperfectasallothermners · 17/01/2018 20:55

Your last post has me raging op.
Your parenting style is what your dc will be having. Absolutely no fucking way should she ever have your baby unsupervised. My exmil said similar and she never did have my dd. And your dh had better support you.

StrandedStarfish · 17/01/2018 20:55

OP can I ask how your mood is?

If you took the in laws caring for baby out of the equation, are you looking forward to going back to work?

I’m thinking about my experience of being a motherless mother and how irritated I used to get by my Stepmonster until I realised that I was angry she got all of the experiences that my mother wasn’t able to have.

RadioGaGoo · 17/01/2018 20:56

Sallyarmy1. You know the OP well enough to compare her to your DIL do you?

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 17/01/2018 20:56

And I agree with pp that it is simpler to put baby in nursery!

rollingonariver · 17/01/2018 20:57

Sorry, posted too soon
The fact that you can't trust her to listen to you because she thinks she knows better than you. I wouldn't let her look after my baby. It's hard to leave your baby to go back to work anyway, you don't need the extra stress.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/01/2018 20:57

I wouldn’t leave her with them either. It doesn’t matter what it was you said they weren’t to do, she was 4 WEEKS old, if you’re looking after someone else’s tiny baby you RESPECT their wishes. End of. That’s particularly important with regards to safety issues like car seats. If you abuse that trust then you don’t get to whinge about the consequences.

Your Step Dad hasn’t abused your trust, ergo he gets to look after her. You can’t ‘punish’ HIM, because THEY broke your trust.

Just tell your DH it is NOT happening.

Saysomethingnice · 17/01/2018 20:57

Op your not over reacting.
Stop apologies for how you feel.
Your Mil sounds spiteful

towtrucker · 17/01/2018 20:58

Op you are absolutely entitled to feel how you do. They completely betrayed your trust and then followed up with that comment of doing things differently. There's no way I would ever leave them unattended with my child. What a horrible thing to say to you!

glitterfarts · 17/01/2018 20:59

I'd find it difficult to trust them again.

But I would not have them look after her for a day every week for these reasons: 1. What will you do if they are sick? 2. What if they go on holiday? 3. What if you do have a fall out with them again?

Best to have proper paid child care in place for work and then have grand parents do babysitting for date night etc.

My MIL has never babysat mine and never will. Dad has.

puglife15 · 17/01/2018 20:59

Agree full time nursery, your dad / stepdad can spend time with the baby at weekend etc for a few hours.

Less of a commitment for everyone and more reliable childcare for you.

TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 17/01/2018 20:59

The comments about doing things differently when you go back to work are absolutely designed to assert control over your family. Use the nursery.

Hebenon · 17/01/2018 20:59

I was going to say give them the benefit of the doubt, but now that I have heard that MIL has 'joked' about not following your preferences once you go back to work, I'd personally not let them look after my baby. I did let PILs look after my baby and they did tons of things I was not comfortable with and I wish I had not let them do it. It will be difficult but, given that the original issue was a genuine safety thing and they could not wait just one week until your DH had shown them how to fit the car seat I really would be saying no. If they complain about your father or stepfather looking after the children, it's presumably very clear why (assuming they follow your rules).

Inertia · 17/01/2018 21:01

MIL did bring up her own son, but that may well have been before infant car seats were a legal requirement, or at a time when age/ weight limts were less stringent, hence her own somewhat cavalier attitude towards road safety.

Justanotherzombie · 17/01/2018 21:01

All you people being hysterical about the car seat, it's extremly easy to fit a group zero seat. It would take a 2 minute Google to figure it out.

I think OP you sound like you are suffering from anxiety which is extremly common with a new baby, and your MIL has become tied up in this. In reality she could be a total bitch and not to be trusted. I don't know, but is she really a total bitch and not to be trusted?

Or could your DH have a word with her about minding baby being conditional on respecting your (and DH's) wishes on the important things.

Original poster
Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 21:02

Mood wise in general I feel fine. I’m not thrilled at the thought of going back to work as I’ll miss my daughter but I like my job so I’m not dreading it.

I am worried that I’m overreacting and seeing things completely negatively because my mum isn’t here. I can’t help but compare my MIL to my mum.

StrandedStarfish how did you cope/get over it?

OP posts:
Fink · 17/01/2018 21:02

After the 'joke' about doing things differently, definitely don't use PIL. Personally, I think if you wanted to leave her with your family once a week and your DH was ok with it, that would be fine. If the MIL did complain, you or DH just explain to her that your family can be trusted to follow your wishes, she can't.

I say this from the bitter experience of someone who was persuaded against my better judgement to let MIL mind DD for 3 days a week when I went back to work. It was a disaster.

cooldarkroom · 17/01/2018 21:03

I would talk to her.
Tell her that this is your child & are currently unhappy with leaving DD with them as apparently they have no intention of abiding by your requests.
That her comments "I'll do it my way", are harmful to your relationship, & that you are considering other options, as you are already worrying & you want to be serene in the knowledge that DD is correctly cared for, & not paraded about as a trophy, or dealt with as per MIL's rule book.
Your H should be on board with you, You are the parents.
This will only get worse if not sorted now.

Notevilstepmother · 17/01/2018 21:04

I’ve looked after a large number of other people’s children over the years, and quite a few babies. If the mum told me not to take the baby out in the car then I wouldn’t.

It doesn’t matter that I’m actually entirely able to do car seats safely because if the mother of the 4 week old baby asked me not to take the baby out then I wouldn’t do so. It’s not my decision.

It sounds like your in laws don’t respect you or your wishes.

It’s not about their capabilities. It’s about them respecting that it isn’t their baby and they shouldn’t do what the mother asks them not to do.

I wouldn’t let them look after my dog. (Yes I know, it’s a baby and babies and dogs aren’t the same).

tiptopteepe · 17/01/2018 21:04

sallyarmy1 it is not a normal everyday thing to go against the wishes of the mother of the child. If you think it is I can see why your DIL went no contact!! When someone is caring for your baby you need to be able to trust them to do what you have asked them to do. The OP cannot trust her ILs as they expressly went against her wishes.

OP I think you should pay for childcare otherwise you will spend your time extremely stressed about the care your baby is recieving. I would personally take stress from some adults over worrying about the safety of my baby. So I would place my child in childcare that i trusted and take any anger from the ILs. At the end of the day it is not their choice to make and its not like you are not allowing them to visit the child. Your childs childcare arrangement should be ones that are best for you and your child not made to appease relatives.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/01/2018 21:04

The fact that MIL made the comments on OP's parenting style shows that there is very little respect. However jokey she was.