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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL advice needed....

200 replies

Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 20:04

I’m new to mumsnet and I am looking for some advice regarding my mother in law. I have a feeling this may turn out to be a long post but please bear with me.

I’m married to her son and we’ve been together for 5 years. During that time I’ve always got on okay with my MIL. However since having my daughter 6 months ago things have deteriorated.

A catalogue of things have happened, the worst being that my MIL and FIL took my daughter out in their car to visit their friends without my permission when they were minding her when she was 4 weeks old.

They asked me if they could take her out and I said no. I trusted that they’d listen to me but unfortunately they didn’t. When I called back to collect my daughter an hour later they were out. I sat on the drive in my car crying until they returned. I told them I was unhappy that they’d gone against my wishes and my MIL tried to blame me saying I hadn’t been clear that they weren’t to take her out.

To cut a long story short, rightly or wrongly I agreed with my husband that we’d all put the incident behind us for the sake of our daughter but deep down I’m still angry nearly 6 months later.

What’s really upsetting me is that prior to my daughter being born my MIL asked if she could look after her 1 day a week when I go back to work. I agreed as we had a good relationship, however now I don’t trust her and I’d rather pay for my daughter to go to nursery.

I’ve tried to speak to my husband about this and his view is that we should give them the benefit of the doubt and let them look after our daughter but the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. To make matters worse I’m happy for my father and step father to look after her (my mum has passed away) as I trust that they will listen to our wishes.

If we were to send our daughter to nursery rather than to my MIL it would cause world war 3, so what I’m hoping for is some coping mechanisms/advice from those that have been in a similar situation because at the moment I’m ruining my maternity leave worrying about what’s going to happen when I go back to work.

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 17/01/2018 20:34

Why does it matter what the 'thing' was? MIL completely disregarded Op's wishes. That shows a complete lack of respect imo & i wouldn't be trusting her for anything further! If she can't respect your choices over the 'little things' then she isn't going to over anything else

ToadsforJustice · 17/01/2018 20:36

I wouldn't trust your MIL or FIL OP. I would suggest that you tell them that you have decided to take your DD to nursery to make sure you always have childcare. That way they can go on holiday, go out with friends etc without the pressure of weekly childcare to factor in. Suggest that if either of them were ill, you wouldn’t have anything in place to provide childcare and you cannot keep taking days off.

Original poster
Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 20:36

The added complication is that my step dad wants to look after her one day a week which I’m comfortable with. If I send her to nursery but also let my step dad look after her one day a week it will cause chaos.

I feel my only options are nursery full time or to let my step dad and PIL do one day each and to get over my anxiety’s

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 17/01/2018 20:37

I think it’s weird to drive a tiny baby (who by rights should still be inside its mother) to someone else’s house then drive away “for a rest” before returning to pick the baby up.

Surely if you need a rest they should come to you!

towtrucker · 17/01/2018 20:37

@sallyarmy1 she didn't just 'feck up' it's not like she gave her an extra ounce in her bottle by mistake. She took her out in a car seat, that they likely didn't know how to fit properly, completely against their DIL's wishes so that they could show off their granddaughter to their friends for their benefit and theirs only. I'd struggle to speak to mine again if they did that, let alone leave my child in their care again!

DaisysStew · 17/01/2018 20:39

I left my ds with my mum for a few hours from him being a few weeks old. I was on my own, exhausted and very grateful of the offer, nothing wrong with it.

But I was also aware that my mum had raised 4 children and apart from letting her know his feeding schedule there were no instructions for what she could or couldn’t do while she was caring for him. I think people forget that grandparents (especially if it’s the in-laws) have managed to raise children themselves and aren’t completely useless.

namechangedtoday15 · 17/01/2018 20:40

OP even your own message says you suggested that they take her out next week instead. Like I say up thread, lots of people are saying she went against your wishes but are you 100% positive, before you take this step, that you definitely said no they could not take her out (not a suggestion or a prdgersnce - that you categorically said they couldnt)?

ToadsforJustice · 17/01/2018 20:40

Full time nursery OP. No dramas. IME, family childcare nearly always fails. Everyone thinks it’s a brilliant idea to start, until the baby becomes a stroppy toddler.

namechangedtoday15 · 17/01/2018 20:41

Preference!

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2018 20:41

I think it’s weird to drive a tiny baby (who by rights should still be inside its mother) to someone else’s house then drive away “for a rest” before returning to pick the baby up.

What?! Where does it say the baby was premature?

Bluelady · 17/01/2018 20:41

Wise words, DaisysStew.

Crumbs1 · 17/01/2018 20:42

I suspect your mother in law has looked after a baby before. I suspect she’s used a car seat before. I think she should be given the benefit of the doubt. It’s odd to be angry about a non event six months later and a real pity to lose good support and destroy relationships over it.

Original poster
Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 20:42

Yes I 100% said not to take her out until my husband had showed them how to fit the car seat properly. I said once he had done this then they could take her out

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 17/01/2018 20:43

What?! Where does it say the baby was premature?

All human babies are premature.

Google the 4th trimester. ;)

Dozer · 17/01/2018 20:44

It was a big fuck up by mil and fil, but unless there has been more going on your reaction seems OTT and anxiety driven.

Do the oil behave in other ways that have led you to believe they won't respect your requests?

Original poster
Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 20:48

My MIL has made passing comments about my parenting style and joked that she’ll be doing things differently once I go back to work, nothing as serious as the car seat safety issue but still, it hasn’t helped my anxiety’s

OP posts:
walkingdowntheboulevard · 17/01/2018 20:48

I think I'd feel like you do. I'd consider what's best for,your dc though when you return to work.

SandAndSea · 17/01/2018 20:49

OP, I'm with you. You've lost trust in them. I think it would help everyone if you could talk to your mil/fil honestly and reasonably about how you feel. In my book, you're the mum, not her and she needs to realise that. If she's a reasonable, normal person, she will hear you. If she's not, then you will know for sure what you're dealing with.

Saysomethingnice · 17/01/2018 20:50

Sally there are always two sides to every story. I'd love to hear your dils side.

I'd the ops in laws had been sheepish, genuinely sorry, apologised and really understood what they had done I'm sure op wouldn't be posting here.

It's the transgression of trust.. They did this actually physically took her out so what else would they ignore...

LML83 · 17/01/2018 20:52

Had MIL learned from mistake? they were no doubt excited to show baby off and didn't realise the safety concerns. They should have respected your wishes but if they are now clear on boundaries perhaps you could try to move past it?

Nursery have their own rules and other children to consider, they will take guidance from you but they won't do exactly what you would do all the time. My baby went to nursery at 7 months and they were lovely but, the day he was with his gran was much better as I knew he was with someone who loved him.

That said I trusted gran, best situation is if you can rebuild the trust which may be easier said than done.

Saysomethingnice · 17/01/2018 20:52

She's been joking how she will do things differently Shock.

No. Your not dealing with someone who gives you the shit what you say.

Inertia · 17/01/2018 20:52

YANBU. This isn't just a trivial disagreement or tiny mistake, it's dangerous to drive a baby around in an improperly-fitted car seat. You had already made it absolutely clear that they were not to drive the baby, as the car seat wasn't secured. They decided that their choice to take the baby out to their friends outweighed the baby's safety, and they are proving that they will over rule you.

ILs can throw a tantrum if they like- it's not likely to prove that they are going to act responsibly toward's the baby's safety though.

I'd go with nursery from the outset, with all grandparents either seeing the baby with you or looking after on a more ad-hoc basis e.g. for a couple of hours at the weekend.

EssexMummy123456 · 17/01/2018 20:52

agree with full-time nursery, save all of this worry.

ImListening · 17/01/2018 20:53

With the greatest of respect your mil has brought up your dh - I assume well unless there is a backstory.

Was your dh ok with them talking out the baby? If yes then sorry you’ll have to go with it- he’s an equal parent. & yes give mil the benefit of the doubt.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/01/2018 20:53

My MIL has made passing comments about my parenting style and joked that she’ll be doing things differently once I go back to work.