MIL advice needed....

[Padgatepeach]

I’m new to mumsnet and I am looking for some advice regarding my mother in law. I have a feeling this may turn out to be a long post but please bear with me.

I’m married to her son and we’ve been together for 5 years. During that time I’ve always got on okay with my MIL. However since having my daughter 6 months ago things have deteriorated.

A catalogue of things have happened, the worst being that my MIL and FIL took my daughter out in their car to visit their friends without my permission when they were minding her when she was 4 weeks old.

They asked me if they could take her out and I said no. I trusted that they’d listen to me but unfortunately they didn’t. When I called back to collect my daughter an hour later they were out. I sat on the drive in my car crying until they returned. I told them I was unhappy that they’d gone against my wishes and my MIL tried to blame me saying I hadn’t been clear that they weren’t to take her out.

To cut a long story short, rightly or wrongly I agreed with my husband that we’d all put the incident behind us for the sake of our daughter but deep down I’m still angry nearly 6 months later.

What’s really upsetting me is that prior to my daughter being born my MIL asked if she could look after her 1 day a week when I go back to work. I agreed as we had a good relationship, however now I don’t trust her and I’d rather pay for my daughter to go to nursery.

I’ve tried to speak to my husband about this and his view is that we should give them the benefit of the doubt and let them look after our daughter but the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. To make matters worse I’m happy for my father and step father to look after her (my mum has passed away) as I trust that they will listen to our wishes.

If we were to send our daughter to nursery rather than to my MIL it would cause world war 3, so what I’m hoping for is some coping mechanisms/advice from those that have been in a similar situation because at the moment I’m ruining my maternity leave worrying about what’s going to happen when I go back to work.

[Mumoftwinsandanother]

I'm sitting on the fence here OP. I sort of agree with both bits of advice being given to you here and can only say go with your gut.

I know how distressing it is when PIL disregard your wishes about your young baby. My DTs are now 10 years-old, very robust healthy young girls. I still feel bitterness and resentment when I think about how my MIL went against my wishes repeatedly with them when they were born she just seemed to go a bit nuts about her first GC. (We did have quite a few difficult years and their contact had to be cut right back until they were reined in.) However, equally, 10 years on from that very difficult time I'm very glad it didn't sever things completely. They have a very loving relationship with all 3 of my children and have helped me out immensely in recent years as my own mother is very ill and I sometimes need to visit her and they come and look after my children. The relationship between GC and GPs is precious and I think on balance I'd much rather have them looked after by GPs with love than in a nursery (not knocking nurseries) but equally it has to be on a clear footing. Only you really know if this is achievable with your ILs.

[Laiste]

Being a Motherless Mothers can result from having a flawed/un-supportive relationship with your own mum as well as bereavement. Having to juggle 2 hard work mothery relationships when all you want to do is get on and be a mother yourself is crap.

I get sick of 'managing' everyone elses feelings!

[MrsAmaretto]

Pay for childcare. That way you know your wishes are being followed, your child will still be cared for and have a range of age appropriate activities. Use grandparents for emmergency childcare & fun days/mornings.

Explain to your stepfather & father. They will understand and are probably worried about how stressed you are.

[BanyanTree]

I'd love a MM support group and you have hit the nail on the head about balance.

Undermining your DIL will lead to her not wanting to know you once she comes to the realisation that she is doing alright and doesn't need your help negativity

[SandAndSea]

@Fionne - I completely agree.
You just don't undermine the mum. You just don't.

[Saysomethingnice]

@banyantree

Maybe we need a Mil support group for those of us without mothers great posts and yes that lack of your own camp as it were doesn't help... There is a loss of balance.

However no way have I accepted the loss of dm meaning I, we have to ensure Mil more especially at times like Christmas.

[BhajiAllTheWay]

In your original post you say " a catalogue of things have happened". Such as? I'm on the fence here. I agree she shouldn't have disregarded your wishes but I'm struggling with the fact that it sounds like " one strike and you're out" and your relationship has broken.

[PeachQueen]

I can totally emphaise with you OP

In fact this post could be about me! My MIL was VERY excited (almost obsession levels) when I announced my pregnancy. She would call or text me every day and ask to come to every scan and appointment. With it being my first (and her 8th granchild!) I was a bit overwhelmed and just wanted me and DH (her son) to go alone to appointments.

Once baby was born she started with the "My Baby" oh shes MY girl etc, she has a very obsessive personality and is very OTT in all aspects of life (just diff to how I am I guess) and this would grate me. She would just pop round when I was alone at home and trying to breastfeed and would bring random friends with her. yes it was lovely that she was so excited but she became very obsessive.

She always said that she would help woth childcare, which we really appreciated as it meant DD would be in nursery 1 day a week and with my Mom & MIL the other days, I always felt 'anxious' about this as there had been instances with my DH other child in the past where she took his DS on holiday at age 4 with her other grandson and swithched her phone off and nobody could get hold of her for 4 days. In the Canaries. It was all about control with her. She then said to me that she would not answer her phone when DD was in her care as she didnt need 'checking up on'.

As a first time Mom this didnt sit well with me so I said well if I cant get hold of you to see how she is doing then I dont feel comfortable to leave her with you. She went ballistic and twisted it and made out I had said she wasnt allowed to SEE DD - the hole family turned against us. DH luckily knows her ways and put his foot down with her and said NO WAY are you having DD if we cant get hold of you.

I went back to work in August last year and it has taken till now for me to feel comfortable and trust her to have DD, we start in Feb for one day a week as she has begged us for the last 4 months. [hmmm]

She is aware it is a trial thing, this may sound harsh & I know she loves DD and wont harm her of course as she is Mom to 2 and grandmother to 9 so she knows what shes doing, its the control thing she likes to do & not being able to contact her.

You have to go with your gut, it took me a long time to get to this point!

[Dazedandconfuzzled]

I would feel like you did OP. In those early days if I had turned up to pick my baby up and she wasn't there I would have broken down as well. All those hormones and anxieties you have as a new mum can be overwhelming.
I also know how little things can feel huge when it seems like someone is criticising your parenting. My mil is very good at the snide comment said in a way that she can say 'I'm only joking' if she is pulled up on it. I choose not to deal with my mil anymore and no way would I leave her alone with dd. It started off with little things bit eventually I realised that she was wanting to parent my dd not be a grandparent. If people can't respect your wishes then I can understand not wanting them to look after your child.
My mil at first kept asking when I was going to move to formula, then it was that I was making formula wrong, then I wasn't weaning her soon enough, now as a toddler it's that she eats the wrong food etc. I remember her following me round at a party wanting to take dd, when i said no cahae she was sleeping she started loudly proclaiming to people how pleased she was that my dd looked like my sil, not a big deal until you realise that she would hurt into other conversations with my family and friends to tell them how my dd looked nothing like me, it almost makes you feel like they are trying to claim the child as theirs. All these small things add up over time and you feel completely undermined.

[BanyanTree]

Being a Motherless Mother also makes this situation worse if you don't mind me saying so OP. I am one too. If you have your own mum you can call her up and say "Guess what MIL did" or "MIL said I am doing this wrong" and your own mum can reinforce to you that how you are doing something is fine and you are doing great. This is needed at this very vulnerable time when you are learning how to be a mum. When you don't have this support network your MIL can run roughshod over you. I know because I have felt this way. My MIL undermines/d me at every opportunity and it took all my strength to just ignore her and crack on.

Being a Motherless Mother also creeps into other things. If I had my own mum I would get to split things 50/50 such as Christmas, Mothers Day and other occasions. When you don't have your own mum you don't get to take a break from a critical MIL. There is no excuse for not having them help or be there because they don't have to share experiences with your own mum. Its hard.

Back to the issue though. I'd pay for childcare as it is not worth the misery.

[Laiste]

ilovecamping and did you also tell the parents you'd be doing it all your way once their back was turned? Because that's what the OPs MIL has told her. Or is that too to be brushed aside in case OP is just being 'emotional'.

[Saysomethingnice]

Cheese is nt thus the main worry though, pils showed an incredible selfish side driving off with baby... They didn't put the child first and they showed again, his routine and a happy mum were secondary to thier own wishes but stating they will be doing things their way. These types don't put the baby first.

[Saysomethingnice]

I think it's totally horrid and unfair to punish respectful kind people who know how to behave and treat your dc and you because of horrid other gp so unfair.

If the other side complain one side do more, explain why. Please don't have one set missing out and being punished!! That makes me so sad.

[mustbemad17]

All these comments about PFB, iver anxious or controlling, have you forgotten how overwhelming your first newborn is? To have somebody go against your wishes - deliberately - is devastating.

OP i'm due my third baby soon. I am 'oversensitive' about car seats because someone who should have known better put my DD in an unsecured one & fucked off for a drive. When this baby turns up no way will s/he be going with anyone until I have checked the carseat. If that makes me precious to some i'm happy with that. You have to be comfortable with who you leave your baby with, end of story

[Ilovecamping]

Being a MIL and grandparent, our grandchildren are very precious and the feeling we have for them is very different to the feeling of being a parent. Your MIL would have been so proud of being allowed to look after the baby she might not have taken in what you said to her. You had a previous good relationship, it would be sad to lose that, you need to talk to her about how you felt, probably a bit emotional yourself at the time. I look after my grandson and bought my own car seat to save changing seats over all the time, and I knew it fit my car.

[Saysomethingnice]

notagain

Humans are incredibly resilient we have had to survive in incredibly adverse situations.. So some of these people with the the slack approach to care.. Got lucky really.

[Pannacott]

No. This isn't about your 'anxiety', it's about them being challenging your parental authority. I'm not an anxious mum at all, but no bloody way I'd be leaving my children with anyone who said 'they'd be doing things differently once I'm back at work'.

Of course they understood you didn't want the baby out in the car. They weren't sorry afterwards. They were testing the water to see how you'd respond. Unfortunately your DH isn't in your side.

So, off she goes to nursery I suppose. It's such a shame that your DF can't have her but you need to work on your DH. It sounds like he thinks there should just be an equivalence in the access they are allowed, which is wrong. Can you talk to your HV to talk to him about what appropriate caring looks like?

Also, don't talk about your 'anxieties', it makes it look like you are the one with the problem. You are normal. Their enjoying winding you up and undermining you is the problem. Get angry.

[Laiste]

I've never used a grandparent for child care and they've all still managed to have a loving caring relationships. It's not either or.

[Sparkletastic]

I had this situation. Had to go for nursery instead even though my parents were great. A series of events made my mind up - sunburned baby, baby that hadn't been given lunch as MIL too busy cleaning 'your filthy conservatory windows', culminating in dangerously feverish baby wrapped up in blankets and pressed to MILs generous chest (ended up in hospital that time - bronchiolitis). Realised she meant well but had no idea about basic H&S and first aid. Couldn't allow it to go on.

[cheeseandpineapple]

OP, sorry this is causing you so much anxiety. Not having your mum to share your experience of becoming a parent is tough. Your anxiety is not unreasonable, it’s justified and the only way to have your fears allayed and work out a solution is not to fester and address the issue head on.

But your husband needs to do that first, not you.

He should have a candid discussion with your parents and explain how you feel and that your trust has been broken. That your anxiety should not be minimised and if they want to have the kind of relationship they were envisioning with their grand daughter they need to rebuild your trust and respect your wishes.

Only once he’s had that conversation with them should you then have an open conversation with your PIL and let them know how you feel and that you want this to work for everyone.

Your daughter only has one grandmother. This is an opportunity for you and your husband to ensure that it’s a positive relationship and a win win for everyone but your husband has to help facilitate this, particularly if he wants his parents actively involved in future child care. If he’s not bothered it’s less of an issue although from your daughter’s perspective, it would be lovely if she can cultivate a relationship with her paternal grandparents. The more people who love and care for her, the better for her and for you.

[liquidrevolution]

OP I had similar from my PIL. MIL actually accused me of poisoning DD as she was bottle Fed

The way I worked it with DH was that it was better they were emergency childcare and how lucky we were to have them do it. Nursery for most childcare and PIL and my DPs for emergency.

It does mean that my DPs miss out a bit as I have to keep things equal but they understand.

[ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon]

OP - you know your PIL best - what are they like as people? Are they generally strong willed, we-know-best sort of people?

It is very, very unfortunate that they broke your trust in that way when your daughter was tiny. It is such a huge thing to leave a tiny baby in someone else’s care and they royally messed that up. You made it clear that they were not to take her out until your DH had given them a lesson in how to use the car seat. It doesn’t matter if they, or others think this was OTT (personally, I’m with you) those was your instructions and they totally disregarded it and for what? To show your DD off to their friends?

The comments about doing things her way once you are back to work are very concerning too. I completely understand why you are so anxious.

Before you decide 100% on FT nursery is there anyway you can talk calmly to them about your fears? There are lots of benefits to GP’s looking after GC, but only if the parents wishes are respected. If they don’t get that, or aren’t willing to work on gaining your trust then I would calmly say it’s FT nursery because YOU need to be happy that DD is being looked after the way you want and that you cannot function at work if you are worrying every minute.

[Laiste]

Just thinking - lastly - although i would stand my ground on not letting MIL have DD, i would make my compromise to DH by not giving DD to your father or step father for a day either. There can be no arguing then and it will smooth the waters immensely.

If the nursery is good enough for 4 days a week then it's good enough for 5, and the principal of WHICH grandparents are the better option is taken right out of the equation.

[Notagainmun]

Your In-laws sound just like mine were. SIL had a baby nine months before me. She went back to work when DN was six months and my PIL provided childcare.

They took the baby out in the car with another DN, aged 10, holding the baby on her lap, despite SIL providing car seat. FIL accused mg SIL of not trusting his driving skills.

A month later MIL left DN to nap outside in the buggy and she got badly Sun burned. It was at this point SIL despised to use a childminder. I never left my DC alone with them after that track record. It is a wonder they managed to bring up four children to adulthood.

[Saysomethingnice]

Yes suki but your sort of strangely acknowledge that a bad relationship can exist but we should treasure our mils because a good relationship is worth its weight in gold