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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed when people tell me I am "lucky" that my children are well behaved?

136 replies

Wallace · 26/04/2007 20:19

This has happened a couple of times recently. A friend who struggles to get her 3 and 5 year olds in bed before 10pm told me that I am "so lucky" that mine (9months, 5 and 7) go to bed early. Err, no. That might be down to my bloody hard work and perserverence, wouldn't you think? Also her dh is always around for bedtime, and my dh is rarely here at bedtime so I do it singlehandly.

Now I know I sound smug (okay, I am smug), but why when children misbehave do people look on, tutting, blaming the parents. But when children are being good it is down to luck?

OP posts:

SSShakeTheChi · 26/04/2007 20:21

I don't know. I used to think it was the dp's fault TBH but since I've been spending so much time on MN and reading about dp who have say 2 well-behaved dc and 1 they can't cope with, I am less sure that it is to do with good parenting.

REIDmylips · 26/04/2007 20:22

i totally agree! my mil always comments on how lucky i am to have a ds who behaves and sleeps so well and goes to bed early.

No its not luck its the fact that i ignored all the critisism (sp) about sticking to a routine.

And did it anyway!!

Cloudhopper · 26/04/2007 20:23

Yes YABU.

WHen people tell me I am lucky my children are well behaved I just agree. Then give a silent prayer in thanks that it is true. It's hard enough anyway, don't know how I would cope with difficult children.

Prunerli · 26/04/2007 20:24

What if she is working just as hard as you but has children who are resistant to all but the worst kind of boot-camp parenting? Perhaps she does feel you are lucky in that your children respond to you better than hers do. It may not be a direct compliment to you r parenting but it's not an insult.

Idreamofdaleks · 26/04/2007 20:24

What Did you want her to say about it?

Cloudhopper · 26/04/2007 20:26

That's what I was thinking Pruneli. My two children are so very different to each other. The first was immaculately behaved and we used to get showered with praise about our parenting skills all the time.

I well-meaningly gave advice to other parents about how I had done it. Then dd2 came along and I realised that nature, not nurture had done me a favour.

eemie · 26/04/2007 20:27

But some people work at it bloody hard and persevere and still have kids who bounce off the walls till 11pm. It's hard to believe when hard work and perseverance have done the trick for you, but it's still true.

I know I get a lot of undeserved credit for dd's good behaviour. Some of it is deserved but also, I really am lucky.

staceym11 · 26/04/2007 20:28

in a way YABU and in a way you aren't sometimes kids are just a pita and there isnt a lot you can do to sort it, if shes working just as hard as you then it would make you lucky. but if her methods leave a lot to be disired (ok why cant i spell?!?!) then i understand you being peeved!

mytwopenceworth · 26/04/2007 20:30

think about it. if someone with kids said oh, arent you a good parent, you managed to get them really well trained,

they are saying I Am Incompetent.

it makes them feel better to call it luck because it means you're not better at it than they are, its chance. like a kiddie lotto!!!

plibble · 26/04/2007 20:31

YABU. My daughter is one who goes to bed fine and I put it down to sheer dumb luck. Yes, some bad behaviour can be down to parents not setting boundaries etc, but all children are different and some need to be handled very differently to others. I would just count myself lucky if I were you (and hope that mine never go through a phase of bad behaviour...).

Bubble99 · 26/04/2007 20:31

I'll excuse your smugness, Wallace, because you're right. It's bloody hard work but it pays off.

My nephew and niece (6 and 4) are a PITA at mealtimes. They have been raised in the 'Tarquin's a free-spirit' school of parenting and, as a result, have no social graces whatsoever. I dread going out for any kind of family do with them as they run around in restaurants, crawling under other tables. My B and SIL always respond to any complaints about them with the ....'Oh god! Aren't the english so uptight about children in restaurants! In Italy.... blah, blah, bloody blah.....

I have pointed out to them that in Italy children understand not treating a table/restaurant as a fecking theme-park and are therefore goood company to eat with.

Rant, rant, rant.

And yes, we get the 'aren't you lucky?' crap as well.

JustUsTwo · 26/04/2007 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Wallace · 26/04/2007 20:34

Hooray! I've waited a long time to be told YABU, thank you
I do know that luck (eg. nature) does have something to do with it, but the children in question aren't particulary "difficult", they just need a few more boundaries!

I felt like telling her exactly what I was thinking, but of course I didn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wallace · 26/04/2007 20:36

Oooh, I never thought about it that way mtpw and justustwo

OP posts:

Prunerli · 26/04/2007 20:37

Oh I bloody hate threads like this. You have no idea how much hard work some people put into it. I feel like a fucking synchronised swimmer most days working bloody hard to make things go smoothly, and the sum total of that is that ds might go along with it if he feels like it.
I could I suppose terrify him with threats or beat the shit out of him to get him up to a certain standard. Just have a bit of grace about it, some of you.

JustUsTwo · 26/04/2007 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beansprout · 26/04/2007 20:39

You probably have no idea how lucky you are. None of really know if it's us or just the children we were given. Yes, some parents try very hard but you've obviously had a bit of luck in having children who respond to what you do.

swifterella · 26/04/2007 20:39

wallace are you me? Have very similar friend, reckons it is luck that DS (20 mnths) goes to bed at 7 and sleeps through. Ur no, I worked bloody hard for him to do that u old bag. i also do it single handedly as O/H works crazy hours. stupid cow

swifterella · 26/04/2007 20:40

oh dear pruni, u ok?

Piffle · 26/04/2007 20:41

quite,
Mine are well behaved because I am the terrible toddler and there is no way they can outdo me.
plus when I got pregnant I put my order in for nice ones ta very much
And I put a lot of work into them being nice kids, or they might have been that way naturally, I guess I'll never know.
I'm just glad they are whether I did or some other force smiling on me did it.

staceym11 · 26/04/2007 20:42

ok prunerli (sorry if i spelt that wrong) i can see what you mean but from the op recent posts you can see they arent just difficult children and could do with some boundaries.

shes not saying you arent a good parent!

Original poster

Wallace · 26/04/2007 20:44

I do agree, I am lucky. But I also think that it isn't just luck. They wouldn't be as well behaved if I didn't "parent" them (for want of a better word)

OP posts:

staceym11 · 26/04/2007 20:45

wallace i think thats exactly it, some of it is luck but some is hard work, my dd would run rings around me if i let her but i dont therefore she is well behaved (most the time)

but sometimes just feel like some recognition!

Original poster

Wallace · 26/04/2007 20:48

And is this the right time to admit that my 9 month old is still up? (he fell asleep in the car on our way back from my parent's after supper)

OP posts:

staceym11 · 26/04/2007 20:49

at 9 months my dds bedtime was 10pm, she'd then sleep till 10am (i was a lazy mummy! )

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