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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed when people tell me I am "lucky" that my children are well behaved?

136 replies

Wallace · 26/04/2007 20:19

This has happened a couple of times recently. A friend who struggles to get her 3 and 5 year olds in bed before 10pm told me that I am "so lucky" that mine (9months, 5 and 7) go to bed early. Err, no. That might be down to my bloody hard work and perserverence, wouldn't you think? Also her dh is always around for bedtime, and my dh is rarely here at bedtime so I do it singlehandly.

Now I know I sound smug (okay, I am smug), but why when children misbehave do people look on, tutting, blaming the parents. But when children are being good it is down to luck?

OP posts:
soapbox · 26/04/2007 21:54

Of course you are lucky! I certainly think I am!

I am lucky enough to be able to raise my children in an environment where they have good housing, food in their tums and good role models. Where there aren;t thugs loitering on my doorstep keeping them awake at night. Where I am aware that they need to have a regular consistent bedtime routine and that I need to spend time setting out the boundaries of acceptable behaviours. Lucky to have money coming into the household to pay for them to have the experiences I want for them. Lucky to be able to help them with their homework, to be able to read the letters home from school and reply to them. Lucky not to be addicted to drugs/alcohol TO BE WELL!

Sheesh - I could spend all night here listing the reasons why I am lucky - why my children are lucky! I am astounded that anyone would take such enourmous advantages for granted!

LilyLoo · 26/04/2007 21:56

Maybe your post came across more simplistic than it was meant then Hills, just that i spend the best part of my working life with children trying to emulate anything but their let down parents and feel it is really difficult to generalise them in the they are what they learn category, no offence intended.

ThomCat · 26/04/2007 22:03

Waht am I on??? What??? I'm not on anything Hills, what do you mean by that?
And just to set the record straight here I didn't say I saw YOU as up your own arse, i didn't name anyone.
I am merely saying that I don't think parents should take all the credit for children's good behaviour and that being narked by someone saying 'aren't your chidren good, aren't you lucky' is nothing to get narked about.

ThomCat · 26/04/2007 22:07

Pitchounette - I agree with you, but some of those things are down to luck. I didn't teach my dd to have the light on, one night out of the blue she just ried and said 'light' over and over till I put a lamp on and now she has to have a night light to sleep. Where or where did that come from? I didn't teach her to get out of bed every night and sleep by her door either! Anyway I'm waffling, but basically what I'm getting at is that some thngs you can teach, some things you are lucky and they learn and put into practice every day of their lives. Sometimes we're not so lucky.

janeite · 26/04/2007 22:09

Interesting thread. I think well-behaved children are a combination of luck of personality plus consistent parenting.

However, I'm also a teacher. I teach two classes who are known to be very difficult around the school in general but are usually lovely in my lessons. Now, is that because I'm lucky, or is it down to how they are "managed" in my lessons? I don't know the answer but every time I have another pleasant lesson with them, I certainly FEEL lucky, as I've heard what they are like in other lessons!

Caligula · 26/04/2007 22:20

"It's very hard work but there is no need for bad manners, or badly behaved children unless they have a medical or learning problem"

You are mad. All children are bad mannered or badly bheaved from time to time, whether they have medical problems or are perfectly healthy.

My DS quite often eats with his mouth open and uses his hands. Nearly every single mealtime I remind him that he needs to use his cutlery and close his mouth when he is chewing. He has had stickers for doing well, pasta in the jar, toys taken away for not doing well, etc. Nearly every fucking mealtime for about four years. Don't fucking tell me or imply to me that he eats like that because I can't be arsed to pay any attention to his table manners. It's just self-congratulatory shite. And he has no SN or learning disabilities. He just wants to eat like that. At some stage when he's older, I'm hoping he will see for himself the disadvantages of it. (His sister otoh, has reasonably civilised table manners.)

Original poster
Wallace · 26/04/2007 22:23

Phew, finally managed to get my ds2 to sleep

I've been thinking, and I think the reason that the comment my friend made got up my nose is this:

She doesn't place a great importance on having the kids in bed early/bedtime routine etc. Fairly happy to have them up and about - she would like them in bed earlier, but not bothered enough to actually do anything about it. But then she looks at my peaceful childfree evenings, and thinks that I'm lucky, but isn't bothered enough to do something about it IYSWIM

OP posts:
BonyM · 26/04/2007 22:25

I thought I was the world's greatest mother when I had dd1. Seven years later dd2 came along and they couldn't be more different. Am at how smug I used to be.

Of course parenting plays a big part but a lot of it is down to the personality of the child.

ThomCat · 26/04/2007 22:26

Now that I agree with Wallace
people who moan about their kids but do sod all about helping them to change. I know somone who doesn't put her kids to bed, they go when they want. Would be up at 11pm at 2 yrs old. Whatever, each to their own but then how can the same person moan that their child is sucha difficult child? errr hellllO!

Caligula · 26/04/2007 22:29

Wallace, I think we all know parents like that!

I have friends whom I love dearly, but their DD is exactly as you describe "she goes to bed when she likes" (she is six FGS). Yes it is irritating, but then, she is more obedient than mine about other stuff which they are heavier about than me. I think it comes down to what you prioritise as a parent.

Aloha · 26/04/2007 22:29

I have brought up my children to be stunningly attractive. NO excuse for those hideous children I see. Just very bad parenting.

LilyLoo · 26/04/2007 22:31

ROFL Aloha !

Hillls · 26/04/2007 22:32

You lot are a horrible I posted a polite comment to get all you lot pouncing on me and ripping me to shreds, Whats the problem with being proud of your child? Yes I put in hard work teaching my dd's right from wrong, I dont form them into something I want them to be, I want them to be what ever they want to be.

CALIGULA no need to be so vial in your language to me! As I said all children will be children! If you and your child are happy then great.

I really dont need you all picking at me like bloody vultures.

Prunerli · 26/04/2007 22:33

Why is it horrible to disagree on a discussion forum?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/04/2007 22:35

YABU. You dont realise how lucky you are

I can say that as a parent of one very well-mannered, polite respectful child, and also the parent to one very ill-mannered, oblivious-to-social-graces, shoves-fistfuls-of-food-into-his-mouth-with-gay-abandon child.

LilyLoo · 26/04/2007 22:37

Oh dear here we go !!!!!!!!!!

Hillls · 26/04/2007 22:38

There's noting wrong with disagreeing but there is alot wrong with how people rip you up for doing so.

englishbeauty · 26/04/2007 22:38

oh my god, this thread is getting out of hand isn't it!

ThomCat · 26/04/2007 22:38

Hills, truly sorry you feel picked on, but shocked at that, I thought we were having a debate. Didn't realuise it had got nasty and personal against you, truly I didn't, i really thought we were chatting and had different views. I can't see how anyone is being vulture like but sirry you are so upset.

Caligula · 26/04/2007 22:38

HILLLS I have examined my language and agree there is no need to be vile.

But I enjoyed it.

I thought there was no need for you to be smug

PippiLangstrump · 26/04/2007 22:39

I have got only one for now so I can't say too much. Still I KNOW I am very lucky! Don't get me wrong I also put in the work, I am strict at times, manners in restaurants and all the rest but TBH DD is and always was an absolute angel and so easy, for me, to deal with.
she never cried, not even as a new born, she was easily pleased, she enjoys praise and so does what she's told etc, never has had a tantrum yet, goes to bed relatively all right etc

Like I said I know I am lucky and although I have been very good at parenting her (who wouldn't) I don't know how I'd be with a more difficult child as I am not very patient and lose it if someone is unreasonable (dd naver has been yet.)

Do not think i am smug because i live in fear: of my next one and of dd changing (she's only 20m maybe is all to come)!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/04/2007 22:40

Cali you are being norty....

Gobbledigook · 26/04/2007 22:40

I haven't read the whole thread but anyway, some of it is down to 'luck' isn't it? Of course good parenting is part of it, but I've got 3 completely different children - all parented the same - so sometimes it is just down to the individual child.

All of mine slept through from being very young babies - we've never, ever had sleep issues. People always say I'm luck for that too. Maybe I am. Who bloody cares anyway?

Caligula · 26/04/2007 22:40

Sorry Hillls but if you come out with the sort of statement I quoted from you, you really have got to be prepared for extreme reactions from people you offend. OK my language may have been a bit OTT, but did you take on board the substance of my post and understand why your comment may have been really, really irritating?

unknownrebelbang · 26/04/2007 22:40

but honest