To be annoyed when people tell me I am "lucky" that my children are well behaved?

[Wallace]

This has happened a couple of times recently. A friend who struggles to get her 3 and 5 year olds in bed before 10pm told me that I am "so lucky" that mine (9months, 5 and 7) go to bed early. Err, no. That might be down to my bloody hard work and perserverence, wouldn't you think? Also her dh is always around for bedtime, and my dh is rarely here at bedtime so I do it singlehandly.

Now I know I sound smug (okay, I am smug), but why when children misbehave do people look on, tutting, blaming the parents. But when children are being good it is down to luck?

in response to the op, obviously there's a broad range of how 'biddable' a child is, just as there is a broad range of parentling styles.
i worked incrediably hard to get dd to be the kind of child that goes to bed easily, and having 'cracked it' when she was young, then went through hell when she hit nightmares as a 2yo. however, my hard work DID pay off, even though some nights i got no sleep just to make sure that she stayed in bed. i am 'lucky' that she responded (eventually)to the techniques i used.
therefore, i do feel a bit miffed when people say i'm 'lucky' that she sleeps well!
if i know them well enough, i do remind them that this time last year i was averaging 2 hrs sleep a night, working ft and doing housework/gardening/decorating/playing with dd etc etc. we all go through it, we should acknowledge how hard we all work.
i think it's the fact that some people who say you're 'lucky' sound like they resent you for it, when you know it's hard work that sorted out problems.

I think you are being unreasonable, I have 2 dd's and they are both completely different in terms of behaviour.

Not unreasonable. This is definately down to hard work and in many cases perseverance. DD1's first two years was horrible - never went to bed until I did, screamed until she got her own way etc, etc, etc. It took some time and lots of perseverance - but I eventually got her sorted. By the time I had DD2 and then DS - I was determined that whatever else I did, they would be in bed by a reasonable time from day 1. Yes all children are different, all three of mine are totally different from each other - but apart from the inital problems with DD1, I have been able to take all three of them anywhere and they have been very well behaved.
Now we have GS - I stuck to the same 'plan' with him and he's always in bed no later than 7. In fact towards the end of the week, when he's tired - I struggle to keep him up until after 6. If for some unavoidable reason, he isn't in bed by his usual time - he takes forever to settle, is constantly in and out of his rom shouting either me or DH and he's a pain in the butt with his behaviour deteriorating the following day. If I maintain his regular bedtime, I can guarantee that whenever we are out, someone wil comment on how well behaved, polite and well-mannered he is. And you have every reason to feel smug - enjoy it, it may change in teenage years.
I also know that it's not easy for everyone and everyone has different parenting styles, but the strictness about bedtimes has worked for me and my family and if we deviate - it definately does have a knock on effect on everyday behaviour and attitudes.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. There are people who have more difficult children and the problems they have with them aren't a reflection of bad parenting, but also there are people who set no boundaries and then wonder why their kids run riot and for someone who has worked really hard at setting boundaries, being consistent, having routines it's irritating to be told it's just luck. I have a little cousin who is not by nature a troublesome child but has been allowed to totally manipulate her parents since day one, gets anything she wants and as a result she is not well beahved, won't go to bed, refuses most food etc etc. It winds me up when they say...oh she's just sooo difficult....she is because you let her be. I'm not saying it's ever easy..I don't have children. I just mean that I can see why someone could be pissed off by the you're so lucky thing.

I can understand that you work hard at being a good parent and that should be acknowledged, but you can't predict behaviour of a child. My brother was a PITA for my Mum in terms of sleeping and behaving. When i came along i slept 12 hours straight through from 2 weeks old. That wasn't down to my mum's good parenting (you can't train a 2 week old IMHO) - it was sheer good fortune on her behalf, which she frequently admits.

Maybe the luck is more directed at your ability to crack motherhood rather than have good children? Some find motherhood harder to grasp than others. I have friends who everyone thought would sail into motherhood with no problems seriously struggling with having a family and other friends people thought didn't stand a chance in hell being the most patient and abled parents you could meet.

Either way - well done you on your hard work. 3 kids and little help at bedtime is a great reflection on your hard work and hope that your DH makes you feel appreciated for the good work you do.

"We are bringing up a generation of undisciplined yobs with no sense of social responsibility, because their own parents simply refuse to recognise and accept their own duty and role as a parent."

Your post is a good one Gameboy.. but the last part (above) is the type of generalistic statement which creates the moral panic. Not ALL, or even the majority of today's youth are being raised as "undisciplined yobs".. it is a minority in fact.

Gameboy is right. no question. the only people i've ever seen moaning about their oh-so-high-spirited kids are the ones who let them kick, punch or bite anyone without doing a thing about it. hence they have horrid little brats. when they look at you and say 'how lucky you are', i don't know whether to laugh or cry.

'I have brought up my children to be stunningly attractive. NO excuse for those hideous children I see. Just very bad parenting' PMSL

I count myself lucky that DD is well behaved and have people say it all of the time - DS ont he other hand is a little bugger and so strong willed that at times itgets m quite down - I have treated them the same but they are just of a different temperament.

I would't take offence at all - think it a bit silly to get worked up over something like this - after all saying you are lucky is just another form of flattery - I bet they wish their kids were like yours.

ShinyHappy... yes, sorry you're right of course, I WAS on a bit of a rant by that point in my post .

No, thankfully it is still a minority, but a rising minority unfortunately. It also seems even more of a problem because often these are the kids/ parenting styles the media focus on - giving the impression of a bigger social problem.

Stigaloid - I know what you're saying, but I personally think you can often explain differences in different children's behaviour by looking at parenting styles/ confidence etc too. My DS1 was a terrible sleeper, very anxious/ wakeful and even as a toddler could be described as 'wilful'. However during the first year of his life I had endured a terrible birth, hospital re-admissions, PND and a complete inability to cope. Looking back, I think he was severely affected by my experiences and resulting (lack of) parenting. Whilst I try not to feel guilty, I certainly feel responsible for some of his early behaviour. When DS2 came along he seemed like an 'easy baby' - but by then I was back to normal, happy, coping etc. I will never know how much of a difference that made to his different disposition?