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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed when people tell me I am "lucky" that my children are well behaved?

136 replies

Wallace · 26/04/2007 20:19

This has happened a couple of times recently. A friend who struggles to get her 3 and 5 year olds in bed before 10pm told me that I am "so lucky" that mine (9months, 5 and 7) go to bed early. Err, no. That might be down to my bloody hard work and perserverence, wouldn't you think? Also her dh is always around for bedtime, and my dh is rarely here at bedtime so I do it singlehandly.

Now I know I sound smug (okay, I am smug), but why when children misbehave do people look on, tutting, blaming the parents. But when children are being good it is down to luck?

OP posts:
Hillls · 26/04/2007 22:40

I'm not smug! I'm proud of my dd's for being independant little individuals. Just like you would be.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/04/2007 22:41

You are lucky! Stop feeling annoyed and feel glad to be so lucky! And that your parenting skills have paid off.

Children are all different. And then there are those with SN... Sometimes no amount of good parenting skills will help. Think yourself lucky and moan a little less.

DH and I are two mature experienced parents who have successfully parented several children between us who have turned out just fine (so far).. and now we have a DS of 6 who bites chunks out of us as often as he can. I don't think it's because we suddenly lost all our parenting skills!

Caligula · 26/04/2007 22:42

Hillls everyone is proud of their kids.

But we don't have to express it in terms of "there's no excuse for anyone else's not to be like mine."

Anyway, sorry if you think I'm hounding you.

LilyLoo · 26/04/2007 22:43

Hill's your dd's sound wonderful, this isn't a personal attack, it's an open discussion forum.

Hillls · 26/04/2007 22:47

I was always taught good manners etc, I teach my dd's good manners as I hope they will in turn with their children. We all try our best with our children, some are better than others! I have a 3 year old dd who is a brilliant daughter out when you get her home she's a right little madam. My 14 month old has right temper. I'm not a smug mummy at all. Today I have a splitting headache & a sore throat from shouting so much. Its those times when they do these little things which you smile.

chocolattegirl · 26/04/2007 22:48

Sometimes it is down to luck when children behave. Or how many 'death and destruction' threats they get beforehand .

GeeGee2 · 26/04/2007 23:10

I work hard with my three to turn them into decent people. 2 are definately less of a challenge than the third. Although a lot of hard work goes into all of them there is an element of luck just because my style clicks with the temperament of 2 of them. I could be 'unlucky' and have 3 challenging ones.

I went through years of a 'friend' of a perfect child telling me what I was doing wrong with my three. I hate to be mean (but what the hell), her DD2 is a nightmare. She's suddenly gone quiet with the parenting tips. Perhaps she's realised that some children are harder to mould than others and the techniques that work with one child don't always work on another.

Gameboy · 26/04/2007 23:26

I ummed and aah-ed about whether to post on this thread, but decided I have to, as I feel so strongly about some of the attitudes and beliefs coming through some of these posts.

Are children completely 'moulded' by their parents - no, of course not, but parental (or guardian) 'socialisation', boundary-setting and discipline are some of, if not THE most important determinants of a child's future role and behaviour in society. Countless studies and pieces research show this. It is why governments continue to try to strengthen and support families.

I simply can't believe it when I hear parents abdicating responsibility with statements about strong-willed children etc. Of course some children will be more difficult than others and nobody's children will be well-behaved 100% of the time, but it is your duty and role as a parent to lead by example, guide and discipline appropriately.

This reminds me so much of the debate about the mother of the 15-stone obese schoolboy who said, "I can't get him to eat healthy food" and yet all she ever bought was junk food!

It really saddens me to see the way this attitude is pervasive in the UK these days. We are bringing up a generation of undisciplined yobs with no sense of social responsibility, because their own parents simply refuse to recognise and accept their own duty and role as a parent.

Skribble · 26/04/2007 23:29

Totally!

Hillls · 26/04/2007 23:31

Gameboy why cant I word it like you!!!!

Porcupine · 26/04/2007 23:35

gameboy buit some of these kdisa re 2
and we all knwo abotu 2 year olds

WendyWeber · 26/04/2007 23:37

There is an element of luck, actually - some kids are far more stubborn than others.

(Luckily - ha! - I am far more stubborn than mine so I always wore them down )

soapbox · 26/04/2007 23:38

I bet you a pound to the penny that in 10 years time many of the parents on this thread will be arguing that the children have turned into awful teenagers and it is genes not bad parenting that got them there

Hillls · 26/04/2007 23:39

Oh yes 2 year olds

I still have a headache, had it all bloody week!!!

Skribble · 26/04/2007 23:41

OK 2/3 year olds are exempt from this discussion.

lisad123 · 26/04/2007 23:44

I havent had a chance to read all posts but find it difficult to understand why people have an issue with once in a while giving ourselfs a well earned pat on the back for doing a wonderful job. Yes some of us are blessed with well behaved children and some have more lively ones, but we all work hard to do our bests.
I am very proud of myself and DHs way we have brought up our 4 year old, she is well behaved most of the time but will cause madness at my mums as she knows she can get away with it.
Its not all down to luck in my opinion.

misdee · 26/04/2007 23:45

yesterday my strong willed 4 year old thumped her older sister hard on the back. I could've let it go, 'oh they are kids, they fight haha' as i have seen countless times in the school playground. But no, I sternly told dd2 off, whilst maintaining eye contact, asked why she had punched sister and off we went. One mother said it was amazing the way i dealt with her, as voice was controlled, not screaming banshee and dd2 seemed to be listening to what i was saying. i was as am not used to people commenting on my parenting style, whther its positive or not. I do feel that I am lucky with my childrens behaviour, but also feel that a lot of that is due to my parenting. dd1 is a very placid laid back child, dd2 has some speech/behaviour issues and is described by many as 'wild but not naughty' as she has excess energy which can overspill into hitting/biting, dd3 is a mixture of the two, she has fire in her eyes at times. They have all been through so much upheavel in the last 2.5years, but i have tried not to let it upset them too much. they have rules, boundries etc which have been consistant throughout all of this nightmare. lucky yes, but damned hard work as well.

Prunerli · 27/04/2007 07:28

Gameboy, I think perhaps people are talking at cross purposes
I haven't seen anything on this thread to justify what you say in your post
It is most certainly not what I meant further down

Anna8888 · 27/04/2007 07:36

Whether children are well behaved seems to me like a combination of their own personalities and the way their parents help children adapt their own personalities to living with other people in a family and, later, in society.

My daughter (2.5) doesn't need much sleep. If I tried to force her to go to bed at, say, 8pm and was determined to have my evenings to myself and my partner, I would probably qualify her as badly behaved because there is no way that she is tired at 8pm and she's scream and shout and get out of bed. As it is, I let her go to bed at 10-11pm and we have no problems as she is tired.

Same thing with food - if I try to force her to eat things she doesn't like, she plays up. I'd rather she ate food she liked (with the proviso that she is getting a balanced diet) and not have the fuss.

etc etc etc

chocolatedot · 27/04/2007 08:41

Along a similar line, I have 2 children who are absolutely amazing eaters (literally cannot get enough fruit and veg) and a third who absolutely will not touch anything that is recognisably fruit and veg. I cook everything from scratch and we eat together as a family every night so it's nothing I've done as such.

It's just the way he is and if I hadn't had one difficult eater, I'm sure I would have thought that all other parents with difficult eaters were somehow to blame.

BirdyArms · 27/04/2007 08:50

Well I was probably part of the smug camp until a month ago when I totally lost control of my 2 yo. He has been a wonderful sleeper, which I put down to my wonderful parenting, but all of a sudden he's impossible to put to bed, wakes up early etc. You should count yourselves LUCKY if your children are well behaved

Anna8888 · 27/04/2007 09:14

birdyarms - I met a mother the other day who thought she had it all sussed out with her first child who slept through the night, ate what was put in front of him, entertained himself etc.

Then she had a daughter who is such a terrible sleeper that the neighbours called the police out in the night, so bad were the screams that they thought the child was being abused.

Mother is not so smug now

Prunerli · 27/04/2007 09:20

omg anna! Poor family.

Rereading the thread, though, I get the impression we're all doing roughly the same things, we just approach the results differently.

unicorn · 27/04/2007 09:21

It's a lot easier to parent a compliant child.

Anna8888 · 27/04/2007 09:25

unicorn - sure, and some people are lucky and have lots of easy children.

But that's the luck of the draw, when you decide to have a child (and we are very, very lucky in this day and age that the decision is, for the majority of women, just that - a decision) that is one of the last decisions you take. The child decides when to come into the world and his/her personality is largely predetermined. As parents we have to help that child adapt to the world around him or her. Some children need a lot more help than others.