to think that this is one of the cheekiest things I've been asked?

[MargoLovebutter]

Due to go ski-ing at half-term. There is usually a group of us who go, a bit disparate and not close friends but ski-mates with kids. It was a diminished number of us due to go this year for various reasons but one ski-friend and her son were coming & I thought they were all booked.

Get a phone call today, from said friend, saying that she's had some health problems - ongoing since last October - and she never actually made the booking. I am sympathetic to the health problems, but was fairly shocked to hear she had never made the booking, as I understood that she had. Then she asks me if I could take her daughter (16) and have her share our room (my DS 18 & DD 15) , and she wouldn't come at all.

I think this is a MASSIVE ask and a bit of a piss take. AIBU to think that?

If not for the deception I'd probably have said yes, but the fact shes left it so long and not been open and honest is the issue. Plus its kinda short notice and you'd need extra names insurance etc I think for a extra teenager.

3 kids together is a rubbish number, someone will get left out.
So personally, I think it would depend if you will ski together, or do they ski alone, or go to ski school ?
I took my niece with myself & 2 DC one year. it was horrific, even though family, she was different in every way to us, wanted different ski equipment, (surf beginner, so I hired both) so complicated the group ski thing, she was also ill, & self opinionated, (about 14 yrs old) & never said thank you, even though I bought her the holiday & paid for a parapente flight
Also do you imagine being friends with woman for another ski occasion, (if her hip repairs well ? it probably won't be soon)
Personally I would refuse

Chatted to the DC last night. They were mega surprised, as they had been in touch with the DD of ski-friend, and as far as they were concerned they were coming.

DC were weirded out by the thought of sharing a room with the DD and her coming without her Mum. Although we've skied with them for years, we don't know them outside of the ski holidays. They live hundreds of miles away from us and we only ever see them once a year for the ski week. I had thought DD would have been keener, but she said, although they get on fine each year, that doesn't mean she wants to share a room with her for a week and DS was deeply unimpressed by having to share a bed with me.

I am glad I discussed it with them as I value their opinion and I don't think that makes me a mug!

I will be saying no. I do find that really hard and couldn't sleep last night for worrying about it.

margo just copy and paste sandandsea message and send.

The more I think about it the mire I feel it us unfair of her to put you in this situation so close to the time.

Glad to hear a decision has been reached. It sounds a good one. Try not to lose sleep over it. The three of you are a united front and this person isn't someone you're likely to run into in your daily life.

She phoned me yesterday to make the ask. Should I phone her or is just texting Sandandsea's message ok? Literally wetting myself at the thought of saying no. I am such a facilitator and pleaser, it freaks me out completely.

Sandsea´s message is good. Clear and to the point. See this as good practice in saying no. It is a skill that it is good to develop.

Sending a rext is fine I think, with todays technology, use it. Phoning has you on the spot and open to persuasion. There will be various options as to whether her phoning was the 'right' thing to do or not. It puts you on the spot but on the other hand a spoken request is more 'honest', upfront and fair. Saying no can be hard but it gets easier with practice.

Don’t worry about saying no. She’s changed the goal posts massively and she’s taking the piss.

Because you know your weakness texting is absolutely fine.
I’d be the same as you. I am too working on being more assertive and putting my needs first. It’s bloody hard.

You could text to say no and explain as much or as little as you want as to why then offer for her to give you a call later if she wants to chat.

We are taking a friends DS skiing with us this year, long story but they cant go so we offered to take him along. He is 13, my DSs are 11 & 9 and we have 2 rooms so I am hoping they will be sensible enough to share. 9 yo is autistic and and ADHD, if not just the 2 older boys. SIL and 13 yo niece are going and offered for him to stay in with them but I felt it would be better for him to stay in with the boys, much nicer for my niece TBH even though they are friends. I would imagine it being awful for a 'non-couple' 18 and 16 yo unless they were really close.

Plus if she really wanted to take her daughter she could try to find a different hotel/accom in the same resort. It is up to her to resolve a situation she created.
Really this is nothing to do with you. In fact do not forget that you are the one with every right to be angry for being deceived not the other way round.

(I am clearly too invested in this)

LucyB, you are adding strength to my spine!

I would do as Dances suggests.

I'm glad you spoke to your DC on this, gives you more back up if you needed it/and confidence that no is the right way to go. Remember she is the one in the wrong here not you. Good luck!!

I would send sandandseas text but without the apologies. That's somehow making it as though you've wronged her in some way which you haven't!

You are definitely doing the right thing saying No for many reasons. I had a long standing friend of 40 years who often did this kind of thing to me. We are no more, looking back I was definitely used both emotionally and financially. Nice people get used unfortunately and yet we’re the people who feel guilty!

Stay strong OP. This is now about you doing the right thing by your kids, not your not-very-close-anyway friend. Don't let them down.

If you want to continue the friendship then you need to pick up the phone. I know it’s difficult but written Text can be misinterpreted. All difficult conversations should be had-I can’t remember now but didn’t you say she phoned you initially? That must have been difficult for her

margo I hope it’ll strengthen mine in return.

Anyway you’ll know by her response if she is a true CF or if she just did not think it through and panicked when her DD’s realised she wasn’t going. Easily done.

The future of the friendship/skiing rel lies on her reaction imo.

Sandandsea's message is perfect. It's direct and honest.

Yes, DC thought that this was probably more of a panic about her DD missing out, than a deliberate attempt to take the piss and exploit me. I am collateral damage, rather than a targeted attack, was I think how DS put it! He probably needs to step away from online gaming.

I would be suggesting that she finds alternative accommodation in the resort for her and her daughter, and say that you're more than happy for her DD to ski with you while she relaxes and rests her hip.