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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this is one of the cheekiest things I've been asked?

364 replies

MargoLovebutter · 16/01/2018 13:38

Due to go ski-ing at half-term. There is usually a group of us who go, a bit disparate and not close friends but ski-mates with kids. It was a diminished number of us due to go this year for various reasons but one ski-friend and her son were coming & I thought they were all booked.

Get a phone call today, from said friend, saying that she's had some health problems - ongoing since last October - and she never actually made the booking. I am sympathetic to the health problems, but was fairly shocked to hear she had never made the booking, as I understood that she had. Then she asks me if I could take her daughter (16) and have her share our room (my DS 18 & DD 15) , and she wouldn't come at all.

I think this is a MASSIVE ask and a bit of a piss take. AIBU to think that?

OP posts:
TandemBanana · 16/01/2018 17:10

So you'll discuss it with the DC even though you'd be the one responsible if it all goes wrong and you're paying? The time for discussion is only if you wanted to do it and are then establishing with your DC whether they were also OK with it or not.

This!

TempusEejit · 16/01/2018 17:12

But margo this shouldn't be a family decision for them to make because you can't expect them to think through any negative consequences in the way an adult would. As I said its one thing to discuss if it's something you already wouldn't mind doing, but another to let them decide for you when the right thing to do would be to say no. What if something serious happens, will your DC feel guilty or responsible if they played a part in the decision making process? Likewise will they feel horribly guilty if they're the ones who've decided "no" and then need to interact with this girl on social media (or start actively avoiding her). I'm not advising you not to discuss because it would benefit you, but to benefit them.

Original poster
MargoLovebutter · 16/01/2018 17:14

Thank you all - appreciate all the opinions.

I'm heading home and will discuss with the DC. I will make the decision ultimately, as I am the one responsible.

I'll update tomorrow, if anyone is still interested.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 16/01/2018 17:17

"A16yo girl and my 18yo son in the same room, no relation?

How uncomfortable for them both ..."

There's only one thing worse than them both being uncomfortable with it, and that's them being very comfortable with it.

You could have a full on mating ritual taking place.

expatinscotland · 16/01/2018 19:49

No idea why you are discussing this with anyone since you are paying the bill and the adult who is responsible. No wonder this gal targeted you, she knows you're a wet lettuce. Hope your holiday for 5 goes well because that's exactly what you'll get.

bettytaghetti · 16/01/2018 20:10

It's still 4 expat! OP plus her 2 DC & CF's DD.

expatinscotland · 16/01/2018 20:12

4, 5, what difference does it make? OP thinks it's too many for 1 room, doesn't want her along but will take her anyway because she's a mug.

IamLucyBarton · 16/01/2018 20:19

I’ll be more than annoyed in your shoes OP. A skiing trip is not a weekend in brighton. It is quite a big deal, money wise and planning wise.

I am going on my own with the dc and everything has been booked and planned in this basis. If I were going with a friend it would all have been different.
So now not only she forces you to change the whole of the hol but also to adjust to another person.

I myself I have thought of maybe bringing someone else’s child but really it is a totally different dinamic so i’d want to think about it with plenty of time and organise accomodation accordingly.

She’s strung you along and in a holuday such as this it is quite unforgivable. To then ask to take her dc is promoting her into a fully fledged CF.

Of course if it suits you take her DD but only if it will enhance your holiday. Her DD’s happiness is her resp not yours.

(I am talking like that because I am a full on people pleaser and I’d struggle to say no but I know that I would prob then really resent it. Especially in one room. For me that would be a deal breaker actually).

Good luck.

SandAndSea · 16/01/2018 20:23

Here's an idea for a nice reply:

Hi DF! Sorry you can't be with us this year. I've had a chat with the kids and, all things considered, we've decided to keep it as a family holiday this year. They're growing up so fast - we're going to make the most of the opportunity whilst we still can. Apologies to DD. Hopefully, you'll be able to arrange something else for her soon. Take care, OP.

I know it's clichéd but it makes the point clearly without causing dramas.
Also, it's true.
And, it's quite hard for someone, even a CF, to argue against you wanting a family holiday as that is so normal.

From here, you can get out the assertive phrases if you need to, such as, "That doesn't work for me."

BrokenBattleDroid · 16/01/2018 20:25

Good luck op.

Nothing inherently wrong with wanting to discuss with your kids, it's their holiday too, BUT what if your do really wants the girl to come and your ds really doesn't? Huge potential to leave one feeling disgruntled...

ChasedByBees · 16/01/2018 20:28

I hope you hold firm on your no OP as this holiday sounds no fun otherwise.

IamLucyBarton · 16/01/2018 20:33

sandandsea what a perfect reply. (And true too).

itshappening · 16/01/2018 20:35

I don't think it is cheeky really, as long as she accepts whatever your decision is.

bingbongnoise · 16/01/2018 20:38

I am torn. I think she was just chancing her hand for the sake of her daughter.

Not massively cheeky.

But I would still say no if I were you.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 16/01/2018 23:42

I agree. There's no harm in her asking and she probably just doesn't want her dd disappointed.
If the op says no and she keeps on or starts laying it on thick about her dd being upset then that's when she'd enter cf territory for me.

emmyrose2000 · 17/01/2018 03:57

I would say 'no' based on the fact that she's been deliberately deceptive.

She's known for months that she wasn't going to go, but continued to string everyone (including her own poor DD by the sounds of it) along by not admitting the truth.

As soon as she knew that she wasn't going to go, she should've said something, even if it was to say that she was now only a 'maybe'. Had you had that information upfront/months ago, you may have made a different decision as to whether you even went/stayed at a different place/etc.

She also had the option of going but not skiing. But she prefers to make HER problem YOUR problem, which is never okay. As for going behind your back and checking on your already booked portions, words fail me. If she's got time to do that, she had time to alert you to her non-booking months ago.

She's being emotionally manipulative, by hoping you won't want to let her DD down by saying 'no'. But it won't be you letting her DD down, it's all on her.

She's not a friend, she's a CF of the highest order.

swingofthings · 17/01/2018 07:21

If kids agree, then you should consider under the conditions that:

  • She has X amount of money with her so you don't end up paying for anything for her.
  • She has travel insurance and you get the details of it.
  • You do not take responsibility if she decides to go somewhere without you and you don't know where she is, all you'll do is give the mum a call to let her know. You expect her to have a chat with her first about it.

I personally would say to her that you have concerns about responsibility and decide whether to say yes or no depending on how she responds. If you ask how it would work moneywise and she says something like 'oh I'll give some pocket money but anything you pay, let me know when you're back and I'll pay you back', that would be an instant no for me. If she says 'I was going to give her some pocket money, but transfer X amount to you to cover everything else', then that would me more incline to consider it.

Same with the rest, I would expect her to say that she's got travel insurance including skiing rather than you having to ask her to make sure she takes it out.

MsJolly · 17/01/2018 07:28

Sandandseas reply is perfect.

Karigan1 · 17/01/2018 07:32

I thought she was your friend? If so then no this isn’t a cheeky question. You help friends don’t you? Heading into a cold snowy environment with a hip problem is going to be hell for her. It’s not just the skiing but the ice and snow everywhere she has to walk on too unless she stays in the hotel. Her suggestion would mean her kid could still go without her suffering.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 17/01/2018 07:48

Did she know that if she dropped out it would just be you? I mean, was she fully aware that it was only you two?

I find her deceptive. Especially the calling the travel company to check what flights you're on and how many beds there are in the room (!) I would query the company to find out what's gone on there....

But to not tell you (outright or otherwise) that she's not booked when she knows that this would leave just you, well that's just outrageous (and not the behaviour of a friend)

I also wouldn't leave it up to your kids. By all means discuss. They should know. But a shy 18 year old might feel he has to agree when he really doesn't want to iyswim.

Catsize · 17/01/2018 07:55

In your position, I would have offered to have the DD with us. She can’t be having a great time of it at the mo if her mother is that ill. And I can understand why the mother asked. The DD is 16, not 6.

Abra1de · 17/01/2018 07:58

A 16-year-old is hardly a huge liability on holiday.

Catsize · 17/01/2018 08:00

I also don’t think it’s strange she’s checked flights, room capacity etc. She has been weighing up the options. No pint in asking you if it’s an impossibility.

alotalotalot · 17/01/2018 08:06

I think people are forgetting the fact that she led the op to believe that she had already booked. The op might not have booked herself if she had known she would be the only adult on her own.

altiara · 17/01/2018 08:13

I’d just say no. If it was a big group, then maybe up for discussion if you felt there was enough space and both kids ok with it but as the only adult, the only way to enjoy the holiday is to just have your kids. Add an extra one in and then it goes downhill. And remember you no longer have any space to get away from each other if you’re all in the same room.