to think that this is one of the cheekiest things I've been asked?

[MargoLovebutter]

Due to go ski-ing at half-term. There is usually a group of us who go, a bit disparate and not close friends but ski-mates with kids. It was a diminished number of us due to go this year for various reasons but one ski-friend and her son were coming & I thought they were all booked.

Get a phone call today, from said friend, saying that she's had some health problems - ongoing since last October - and she never actually made the booking. I am sympathetic to the health problems, but was fairly shocked to hear she had never made the booking, as I understood that she had. Then she asks me if I could take her daughter (16) and have her share our room (my DS 18 & DD 15) , and she wouldn't come at all.

I think this is a MASSIVE ask and a bit of a piss take. AIBU to think that?

Nevermind excuses, it's five fully-grown people in one room. Been there, done that, it sucks. It's doable when it's your own family, but it's a squash and a squeeze, she's using you.

I wouldn't have a problem with this although I would perhaps try and find another room that both daughters could share but no that might be difficult at relatively short notice.
I would explore why wouldn't come, I get the sore hip means she can't ski but she could enjoy the apres skiside of things.
I'm assuming the DD can ski so there isn't an issue there and they would sort out winter sport insurance.

To be fair over the years I've been situations not dissimilar to this and Friends have helped out when probably most MN would probably have thought CF!

It's four

(IMO it would be inappropriate for an 18-year-old boy and a 16-year-old girl to share a room on holiday who aren't bro/sis.

Not always.

There are mixed-sex dorm rooms in many hostels

Correct!
I've not long come back from Berlin and Hamburg and stayed in 12 bed mixed dorm. I'm 50 odd and there was teens in the other beds.
No issues.

I wouldn't take her.
Your friend has had you for a mug. What would particularly piss me off is letting you believe that you were having a holiday with another adult (her), and the DC. If she thought she might struggle to make the holiday for health reasons, she should've told you that at the outset, so you take a view as to whether to book for your own family.

I go in a big ski group every year (DC now all teens). If one family could not come and asked us if we woudl take one of their DC (at their cost), I would consider it depending on which DC, including age and how sensible they are on and off the snow, and dynamics with DC. However, I would probably only consider it before we had actually booked so that I could get appropriate rooms. I would not conisder friends cheeky for asking but would if they were trying to guilt me into it.

I would also be extremely annoyed if I thought i was booking to go on a group holiday only to find that i would be the only adult. I would be having words with friend about that whatever you decide about her DD.

She’s checked your book g info so she can head off any ‘white lie’ reasons to not take her kid, like, no space, plane full, etc. She knows it’s technically possible...as long as you agree.....

its a high risk sport and you would be one adult in charge of three. She really should never have put you in this position. Shes fucked you over and her daughter, but no, she shouldnt get a free week off while you get a completely different and more shit holiday than you had planned and booked for. I would be SO SO fucked off even to have been asked. Who even does that?

its a high risk sport and you would be one adult in charge of three. She really should never have put you in this position. Shes fucked you over and her daughter, but no, she shouldnt get a free week off while you get a completely different and more shit holiday than you had planned and booked for. I would be SO SO fucked off even to have been asked. Who even does that?

OP don't leave the decision with your kids, they're not going to be the ones picking up the pieces (maybe literally if there's an accident!) if something goes wrong or they fall out or whatever. Imagine if the atmosphere does get a bit tetchy, if it was just between siblings you could tell them to pack it in but you can't do that with someone else's child without it being really awkward, with the added complication that you'll all be squashed into a room together. Don't do it!

I wouldn't enjoy being squished in a room together either.

Op, I think you can legitimately say "Dear friend, so sorry you can't be with us, but now I know that is the case, my DC and I are intending to do things a bit differently this year. I'm sorry we are unable to accommodate (your dd) at this late stage. Best wishes, MargoLB"

True Expat, but they are in touch with the DD on social media anyway. It would come out & we discuss most things.

You are right I don't need to discuss it with my 'ski-friend' though.

Not a chance I'd say yes.
The plan was for 2 mums and a gaggle of teens and now it's one mum and someone else's teens too.
You've been set up Op.
send Subtle's email.

A16yo girl and my 18yo son in the same room, no relation?

How uncomfortable for them both ...

So glad I did seek opinions on this. I like Subtle's suggested email too.

I will discuss with the DC, just because I always do and I will sleep on it all.

Maybe she has been on a waiting list for surgery?

Even not ski-ing, walking around with a dodgy hip in the cold can be very painful.

Yes, @Subtleconstraints has nailed it !

she maybe checked flights and dorms etc before she spoke to you as there was no point even asking if they were full?

I feel sorry for you in all this to. It was your holiday as well and the kids would have had each other and you would have had time with your friend. Taking CF's dd would change the whole dynamic of your holiday and I think this is a big ask, even if you were really close. Say no, with no detailed explanation, its not like you work together or have to keep facing her. You shouldn't have your holiday spoiled, enjoy it with your kids as it may be the last one your son joins you on as he is an adult now.

Basseting, yes she is now but she certainly wasn't when I booked last July. She had loads of opportunities to tell me that her health issues had become more problematic and that she may not be able to go after all.

So you'll discuss it with the DC even though you'd be the one responsible if it all goes wrong and you're paying? The time for discussion is only if you wanted to do it and are then establishing with your DC whether they were also OK with it or not.

You are a people pleaser aren't you and I guess your friend knows this hence her trying to take advantage!

You and (the responsibility of) 3 teens sounds a totally shit holiday.

I bet it will cost you a fortune as well (whilst she has half term to do exactly what she wants!). If you do agree-don’t come back and complain about it-I’d think you were mad.

Yes Tempus, I am a pleaser but I also discuss family decisions with the DC - paying for it or otherwise. It is the way I do it. They're going to find out anyway, as they are in touch with the DD on social media themselves. I'd much rather have an open discussion with them myself than them hear it another way.

I think subtles message is being too, well, subtle.

brokens message is much better and more direct.

Do you ever see this friend apart from skiing which seems to have come to a natural end anyway? You have nothing to lose if not.

I would say no simply on the basis of not wanting to be responsible for her daughter. Skiing is risky - what happens if she falls and breaks or twists something? It's one thing sitting in hospital missing skiing for your own DC but doing it for someone else's child is too much to ask.