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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would feel if your adult child decided to emigrate to Oz or NZ

727 replies

CaraBosse1 · 16/01/2018 10:23

Be honest and don't say you'd be "cool" about it if you wouldn't really Smile

OP posts:
user1499786242 · 16/01/2018 14:34

Well I only have small children but I would be absolutely devastated
One thing I swore is that I would always be there for my kids to support them (don't have any support from my own family!)
And if they lived the other side of the world I wouldn't be able to do that, well not to the extent I would wish

I even said to my partner recently that I would move to be near my children which he though was ridiculous but I honestly would!

Neolara · 16/01/2018 14:36

I would be gutted.

My parents immigrated to the UK from the other side of the world. I saw how incredibly hard this was for them, especially as their parents got older. It's why I've never been tempted to live abroad.

Ski4130 · 16/01/2018 14:36

My MIL went through a grief process when we moved to NZ, and my mum couldn't talk about us without crying. Neither ever came to terms with us leaving, and whilst visits were lovely, the goodbyes never got easier. We're back in the UK now and I know both feel very happy about it.

Sprinklestar · 16/01/2018 14:38

The family guilt trips are the worst. But if your family is close, you’ll find a way to make it work, eg paying for flights for family to come and visit.

What is hard is when someone is ill/dies in the home country. I was back and forth every month for six months with two small DC as DF was dying. Not easy. Then we had to arrange a funeral that fitted in with three siblings all living/working abroad. Still, you make it work as best you can. A lot of the blockers people put in the way are self-created.

Ski4130 · 16/01/2018 14:39

Just to add, we all have permanent resident status for NZ and I think our eldest dc will move back when he's old enough. I have no idea how cool I'll be about it, probably not very, but I can hardly tell him no when we did it.

Sprinklestar · 16/01/2018 14:41

Evelyn - that’s the kind of thing I fear, hence when we go back, it’ll be to where we want and not necessarily close to family. Their intentions might be good, but actions speak louder than words! I’d rather not rely on them and have the odd and afternoon or weekend as a bonus. Saves heartache all round!

Haidees · 16/01/2018 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocatoo · 16/01/2018 14:55

It would break my heart.

MirandaWest · 16/01/2018 14:57

I'd be sad first. Then I'd pull myself together a bit and be excited for them. I hope.

LoverOfCake · 16/01/2018 15:00

I would be happy for them.

I grew up abroad and when we emigrated my mum and GF had an argument and he accused her of taking his grandchildren away from him. I was a tiny baby when we moved and I never met any of my extended family until I was around five years old, and then we went back and I didn’t see any of them until I was almost twenty and consequently had no relationship with any of them.

However, the grandparents who claimed to be so devastated never actually visited us there once, and we never came back to visit either, time and distance being what it was at the time.

But in truth that is life. If you raise your children well then you raise them to become independent individuals who will one day forge their own paths in society/life.

My mum says now that she understands how my GF felt now she has grandchildren of her own, but she would never put barriers in our way.

Interestingly though I currently live a few hours away from my family although in the UK and I am planning to move back to be closer to them when my dc leave school because they have been incredibly supportive of me when I’ve been in poor health and as they’re not getting any younger I would want to move closer to them now.

But anyone who piles on the emotional blackmail is incredibly selfish and tbh I imagine is at risk of causing a rift between themselves and their children even if they live in the same town.

PillowCate · 16/01/2018 15:02

CaraBosse1 Come Brexit, many more young people will try to leave and take their talents with them.

Honeycombcrunch · 16/01/2018 15:11

One of my relatives moved to Oz. Her parents are now too frail to make the journey and none of her siblings have ever been to visit because they couldn't afford it. She has visited every 2-3 years which isn't often enough for her DC to know their wider family. Her parents made a few visits but it meant them doing without other things. She has missed almost every family wedding and funeral (including grandparents). She has said she wouldn't make the same choice now.

I am unable to fly due to health issues so I would be very upset if one of my DC emigrated. Talking on the phone or face timing is not the same as seeing someone regularly.

FooFighter99 · 16/01/2018 15:12

My DBrother wants to move to Oz - I'd be devastated if he went and our DM would never get to see him unless he travelled back here as she won't get on a plane (she's only 67 but I think she has a fear of flying now she's older).

It might be selfish, but I love my DB very much and would miss him terribly, as would my DD who thinks the absolute world of him.

My best friend's older sister moved there about 8 years ago, came back to get married, but has 2 DC now and I know my BFF misses them and feels she's missing out on being an aunty to them Sad they went for a better life and are now very well off (they both work in healthcare, think he's a consultant so they're on megabucks) but they're missing out on all the family stuff back here.

I get that some people crave a different way of life, and I'm sure they get better weather, but I couldn't imagine moving so far away from my family

SavvyBlancBlonde · 16/01/2018 15:25

I’m actually crying at this.

I’m the adult child. As a SAHM, I was established as a trailing wife if needs be. Because if brexit and loss of contracts with the initial referendum, DH applied for jobs and got one overseas. We’ve all moved over and it’s fucking hard. I miss my family, my kids miss my family and moving School was hard for the eldest even though it wasn’t high school. But you have to go where the contracts and money are for your family. And we wanted to stay together as a family. I call my family twice a week but it’s heartbreaking to say goodbye and it’s bloody lonely here when you’re re-building your life. I bloody hate brexit and it’s affect on my DH’s work and our family life.

But as my darling dad said, you have to move where the work is. And that’s where we all are, and as a nuclear family, we are together

NewBallsPlease00 · 16/01/2018 15:47

I have 3 siblings who live in USA, (west coast), Australia and New Zealand.
All for very different reasons, either lifestyle linked or partner led. Whilst happy for them I'm gutted on several counts personally-
My kids now only have 1 aged grandparent, no fun aunties or uncles or cousins here at all
It's £7k for us to go for a fortnight at Christmas, that's booking early and flying with a crap airline, and inc internal flight costs (they don't live in easy reach places)
The time off work and school for my kids is hard- as well as cost it's basically using majority leave and then that makes rest of year before and after not only skint but with rubbish uk school holiday cover
They have little interaction other than fun stuff on the rare occasion they come back, so people get the best of them, I have to share them and all the mundane parent life sorting I have to do they avoid

So, to answer your q, I'd encourage my kids to travel and see they world all over, but really really really hope that there is something good enough to stay in uk more perm for, I already life the downside of being the one behind, would be worse with own kids!!

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 16/01/2018 16:04

Savvyblancblonde

I'm sorry to see your post. I'm sure it'll become easier once you are a bit more settled. please remember, this post was specifically to ask people how they would feel about their children moving overseas, so I think it's understandable that people say they would be hurt

If you posted asking people who had actually made the move how they felt about it, you might find lots of people saying it had been difficult at first but overall it's been a positive experience

Original poster
CaraBosse1 · 16/01/2018 16:05

SavvyBlanc - I hate Brexit too. I actually think we're going to end up staying in the EU but by then the damage will have been done to many sectors of the economy.

Come Brexit, many more young people will try to leave and take their talents with them

Where will they go? USA is very difficult for Brits to get permission to work in and Australia and NZ are tightening up requirements.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 16/01/2018 16:32

I have 2 daughters in law who now live thousands of miles away from their families just as I did when I moved abroad and I have nothing but the utmost love and respect for them and their families because I know what it feels like. These brave young women are safe with me and mine and I’ll never let them down. I’ll never let their parents down either.

Fionne, you sound so lovely. I wish my PILs were like you. They don’t seem to see the many downsides for me of living in the UK when all my family is in Australia. When I was ill while pregnant , I got lots of comments

Tapandgo · 16/01/2018 16:40

Delighted for them. I’ve made my choices in life, they have to make theirs. Getting to OZ is easy enough - and cheap if you go in their winter.
Been about 5 times - now have 3 family members there is different cities.
Join them if you want, but hold back people living their dream.

JassyRadlett · 16/01/2018 16:44

Oops DS2 posted! When I was ill with DS2, I got lots of comments about what a pity it was my mother couldn’t come out (again) to help. No offers of help themselves, but they think because DH lives 3 hours from where he grew up, he’s on his own and has to do all the ‘maintenance’ of the relationship. The irony is that they are one of the main reasons we’ve stayed in the UK. For their part, they’ve made it clear that they assume I am massively grateful to live here and not there. They don’t see a problem with disparaging my home country. It’s hard, but I chose to marry a British person and build a life here.

I know it’s also hard for my parents, but they have been nothing but supportive. They visit as often as they can manage, and we FaceTime once a week at least. We agreed when we got married that we’d live in the UK but Australia would be our absolute priority for holidays. We go on average once every year to 18 months.

We share photos and videos and my parents work really hard to make sure all their grandchildren ‘know’ each other. They have never once made me feel guilty. They probably have a stronger relationship with my kids than their other grandparents do - they see them more and they speak to them more regularly.

It’s still really hard, and I feel guilty.

Theshipsong · 16/01/2018 16:47

Eggsin What’s a typical Australian woman? I’m not from Aus but spent some time there.

Theshipsong · 16/01/2018 16:50

To answer the question I’d be delighted for them and would admire and encourage them to travel as much as possible. We don’t come from a family that live near each other and I’ve never really understood families that do

PurplePotatoes · 16/01/2018 16:51

Devastated and a bit jealous Grin but having spent nearly a year in Oz I'd totally understand why they'd want to, so I would just be hoping that one day I could join them!

Rebeccaslicker · 16/01/2018 16:54

I think perhaps to some degree it depends on disposable income and other circumstances. I have friends who emigrated to NZ. As their parents are fairly wealthy, they've been able to buy an apartment nearby, and fly out several times a year to stay for long periods at a time. It's perhaps not what they would have chosen, but they make the best of it, and holiday there too.

Skype and email also make it easier - when my uncle was stationed in NZ in the 1960's, my grandparents simply didn't hear from him for over a year!

However if you weren't able to take unlimited holiday and the cost of flights was a big issue, as let's face it is the case for most people, I think it would be far more upsetting.

Tapandgo · 16/01/2018 17:06

dont hold people back from living their dream......I meant to say