To ask how you would feel if your adult child decided to emigrate to Oz or NZ

[CaraBosse1]

Be honest and don't say you'd be "cool" about it if you wouldn't really

My brother, his wife and two young kids moved last May to a country around 10 hours away for a five year contract. My Mam used to look after the kids two or three times a week so it was a big wrench but they have visited twice since then and they had to come home because of a hurricane so it’s not like they haven’t kept in touch.

My Mam was really good about it to their faces, how could she not have been when she left her own mother who was in poor health and adored her grandkids to move abroad. I’ll never forget her sadness when she flew home for her funeral. I think she sees it now more from her own mother’s point of view. The grandkids will be tweens when/if they move home so will have missed out on all those years with them.

My husband is from NZ and it is a possibility for my two as they have dual nationality. We did think about moving as a family a few years ago when my husband's career hit a rocky patch - I was open to the idea, though I was concerned that they would then leave and return to the UK when they were older. He decided against it , saying he feels it too provincial ( and that was Auckland) . It is a beautiful country, we visit often, we even have some property there but it's not all roses : the cost of living has shot up, whereas pay hasn't, property and rental prices are high where the work is. I wouldn't want what I have seen to be my MILs later life - 4 of her 5 children living abroad and seeing only one set of grandchildren in a consistent way. We all visit ( I roll my eyes when people describe a 6 hour flight as long) and FaceTime but it's not the same to be at opposite ends of the earth.

When DH and I were in our early 20s and DS was 2, we were thinking very seriously about emigrating to New Zealand. We got all the paperwork and we met up with another couple that was doing the same thing and they gave us lots of information. We were planning a preliminary visit and were getting quite excited at the prospect.

Then, I received a letter from my dad, telling me that my mum was very upset and had been in tears over it but didn't want us to know that she was heartbroken at the thought of us going. One of my two sisters had moved abroad a few months before, so mum would only have one of us left. Dad basically said that if we went we would be ruining my mother's life. So, we didn't go.

About 5 years later, we went to live in the USA, but only for a couple of years. That was a wonderful experience that I am so lucky to have had.

So, after all this time (I am in my 60s now) I don't feel bad that we didn't go to New Zealand. I have promised myself, however, that I won't get openly upset (ie no guilt trips) if my children ever want to emigrate.

Devastated but would try to be understanding. I would be devastated because a Skype relationship with children and grandchildren will always be a poor shadow of a real one however hard you try (but better than nothing. I could never move there myself because of other family and being too old and poor no doubt. W are a close family though.

All those who are saying its 24 hours and less than 1000 quid - I don't get much leave from work (in the most expensive time of year too) and I certainly don't have spare cash for flights knocking around. I haven't had an actual holiday for over 20 years. It would mean barely ever seeing them again I think.

My daughter lives in California. We are entirely reconciled to the idea she may never return as there is far greater potential for her career interests there than here. I think we are able to be understanding because we both lived in other countries when we were young and my DH who is from Singapore has been settled here for many years, so to us it is what you do to make a life for yourself. We want her to have the life she wants for herself and if that is in the US, so be it.

Both my brother and I emigrated, granted not as far as Australia, but in fairness we see our parents 3 or 4 times are year which is more than we see DH's family who live close by.

It would be harder, but if they are happy and healthy, I would be very happy for THEM as really it's their life and they need to live it the best they can. I lived with years of emotional blackmail from my parents, which is massively tiring.

Of course I would prefer them to be closer, but i am fully prepared that they will make their own choices and I will hopefully be there to support them.

With regard to emotional blackmail - when I lived abroad in my 20s my mother told me she was "very disappointed & hurt" that I had chosen to do so. She never said any such thing to my brother who was also living overseas at that time. I think daughters are perhaps expected to stay close in a way sons are not and I was determined not to lay this on my daughter as my mother had on me.

I'd be devastated if it was a permanent move. I'd love them all to move abroad and live in a different country for a while, as I think it's great for broadening horizons, but I'd really hope that they'd move back to have their kids.

My sis emigrated to NZ as she married a Kiwi; I really miss her and the cousins all miss each other too. We can't afford to go over at the moment, probably not for a long time if I'm honest, and they come over approx once every 4 years. They last came in 2015, hopefully are coming in 2019 but not 100%.

I have come to appreciate my family so much more since I had kids - not just the support, but the interaction between my kids and my family is brilliant to watch. I don't live near my parents, they moved to the other end of the country to be near my other sister, but as they all live in a holiday destination, we go and visit as often as we can.

OH's family is dire and, despite living very close (within 20 minutes drive) we see them maybe a couple of times a year. They are just not interested in maintaining a relationship, although always gush about how lovely it is to see us and how they wish they saw more of us. We've stopped making the effort now - they know where we are

OH's mum lives in another country - I find her incredibly difficult. Luckily she only visits a couple of times a year.

I will encourage my children to live their lives as they want, but I am going to tell them how much I appreciated grandparent support when I had kids, plant the seed early!!!

brizzledrizzle - my god, what a selfish cow!!

Typical Australian woman. Usually called Sheila.

My mum made it clear she was very relieved when my sister came back to the UK after a year working in New Zealand.

I have never really seriously contemplated emigrating. I remember thinking when my mum's elderly parents were ill that it was bad enough with her being two hours' drive away (her brother had died at that point so she had no sibling support) which kind of put me off - even though my parents are still in good health, and were even more so 15 or so years ago when I was in my early 20s.

My dad immigrated to the UK (from about 5 hours' flight away) and sometimes only saw his family every couple of years, which I think was quite hard at times as he missed out on a lot. Then my mum decided she didn't like going back to his home country so between the ages of 7 and 13 I didn't see my paternal grandmother. Although now technology makes things a bit easier to keep in touch.

My children are only little at the moment so hard to think what my reaction would be. I would quite happily spend at least half of the year in New Zealand.

Cara that's my lovely Aussie MIL.

As someone who did emigrate, threads like these are often quite hard to read.

For some of us, the choice was not easy at all...but I had to weigh up the improvements in my DC's lives with leaving my family and friends.

And yes...there were real improvements.

brizzledrizzle - my god, what a selfish cow!!

That's why we're not friends any more.

Heartbroken.

I’d be devastated I have 4 so the chance of them all wanting to move to the same country at the same time would be slim. So I couldn’t go with them as I’d leave others behind. Lots of friends have left family either in the uk or in oz and either way it’s hard on the family left behind. They all put on a brave face but if you love someone it breaks your heart for them to leave you behind. The heart break gets worse when grandchildren and nieces and nephews are involved. I know as my friends have told me.

I’d be devastated. My ex was a New Zealander and I went over a few times. I can absolutely see the appeal but it felt so unbelievably far away (it is!). I was very conscious of how far my family were. So if either DS moved I’d obviously be very conscious of that in reverse.
A few of my university friends moved to Oz. It’s a huge sadness (on both sides) that they are so far from family. The lifestyle HAS to be good to make it worth it.

I'd be a bit sad at the thought of it but tbh I don't think I'd be heartbroken really.

But I have close relatives (first cousins a similar age to me) in Australia and speak to them more often than I do some of my relatives who live in the same city as me (also similarly aged first cousins), so I guess it doesn't really feel that much like they're on the other side of the world.

When we see each other (around once every 18 months or so) it's like we've never been apart.

I suppose it might be different if it was my dc but I know that just because they live far away doesn't mean you can't keep in touch and still be close, so that I think would soften the blow.

I can't answer this from my own perspective as my DD is only a baby, however, I did move to Australia when I was younger (am now in the Middle East) and my DM is very open that she's happy for me and the opportunities I've had but that she would have me home tomorrow - bless her

I would be really very sad indeed but hope I could hide that from my son or daughter.

I'd be sad to see them go, but thrilled for them too. And a bit jealous as I've been a carer all my life so have never been able to leave the town I grew up in.

My Dd may well do this, all her family are Australian.
She'll be going over at Christmas to meet them and may make plans to move at a later date.
I'd be sad of course and miss her terribly but her family are wonderful and its kinda the choice I made when I had her with an Australian.

I'd be really sad, but would encourage them to go if they wanted to, and would make sure I FaceTimed them regularly.

Having said that, my oldest is 3, so by the time he's an adult he'll probably be able to emigrate to the moon or something. Or at least flights to Australia will be super fast!

Devistated and a few tears but I'd also tell them they have to do what's best for them, I love them and will always be there for them.