To ask how you would feel if your adult child decided to emigrate to Oz or NZ

[CaraBosse1]

Be honest and don't say you'd be "cool" about it if you wouldn't really

And coming back again to the 'your Dad sounds controlling' comment, again, it's this cultural difference that many of us have been talking about.

In Aus and NZ, we do grow up with this as part of our psyche - our ancestors did it, our parents did, so our parents actively encouraging us to do it is hardly 'inappropriate'.

And when I say 'our' ancestors, in NZ that applies across the board - Māori and Pakeha (NZ European).

Jassey - your dad sounds awfully controlling. I've lived abroad and now live a couple of hours from where I grew up.

Not even a tiny little bit. But he had seen a lot of people stay in the town after school, get into a groove and then find it really hard to shift when they found they were dissatisfied with their lives or wished they’d done more when they were married, with kids and a mortgage and what not.

And for some people, the place they grew up is the right answer. He just wanted us to test that it was the right answer for us, if that’s what we thought we wanted. I’m sure if we’d insisted on staying he would have supported us, but worried.

His only other advice to me, ever, was on men - never marry someone who isn’t happy when he’s drunk. Also very sound advice.

Most people don't need to go to the other side of the world to find out who they are.

And I didn’t say they did — and my ‘controlling’ (advice is controlling now?) father certainly never suggested that. Just it’s a good idea to try other things before you commit too much to the only one you’ve ever known.

In Aus and NZ, we do grow up with this as part of our psyche - our ancestors did it, our parents did, so our parents actively encouraging us to do it is hardly 'inappropriate'.

And two hours down the road is hardly transportation or the gulag. It was just a city with more than ten times the population where I’d meet a much greater diversity of people - in terms of class and ideas and definitely in terms of ethnic diversity.

He was adamant that we had to experience living somewhere else for a good period before we put down roots. So he didn’t want any of us going to the local university

Why be adamant?

Cara Men know best

Why be adamant?

On reflection, adamant is too strong. Never type while walking and arguing with a toddler.

He wasn’t adamant in the sense that we was insisting we do it; he was adamant that in his view it was best option to try minimise the risk of insularity, unfulfilment or regret.

It was his strongly held opinion. He wouldn’t have forced us, he wouldn’t have withdrawn support or ranted or railed or even had a heated discussion. It was advice coming from a deep sense of duty to help to guide his teenagers to be able to build the best and most fulfilling lives as adults. He explained what he thought, and why. He expressed his views clearly and the reasoning behind them. As it happens, he didn’t have much persuading to do, we all wanted to go to better unis in the larger city.

I’d save ‘controlling’ and ‘stifling’ for my aunt and uncle, who threatened to withdraw financial support from my cousins unless they went to the local uni, tbh.

Men know best

Fathers shouldn’t give advice to their kids? I’ll let DH know he’s off the hook.

Honestly? I'd be devastated and I would try to persuade them not to go. I couldn't even pretend to be pleased for them!

Honestly? I'd be devastated and I would try to persuade them not to go. I couldn't even pretend to be pleased for them!

Another example of the sort of parent I'm deeply thankful not to have had, and will try my best never to be.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to hold those opinions, whether it be that emigrating is cruel to the family left behind, or whether they should be willing to try new places but not to voice them to your children.

I'm in Ireland.

I'm facing the fact that it is unlikely any of my children will stay here.

So far one has gone, one is going in September, the other probably a year after that.

I am hoping they all at least go to the same country, then I can visit them all.

but not to voice them to your children.

Then you clearly have a very different sort of relationship with your parents / children than I did.

As kids we discussed all sorts with our parents, and it was all part of the loving, close, wisdom-imparting environment we were raised in.

I know logically it's not 'wrong' but if you have siblings and ageing parents it seems like such a shit thing to do. To put that squarely on your sibling's
shoulders.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to hold those opinions, whether it be that emigrating is cruel to the family left behind, or whether they should be willing to try new places but not to voice them to your children.

They don’t seem analogous to me at all. One is suggesting to it children how they should live their lives, the other is trying to emphasise to them their options. One is rooted in permanence (ever leaving is cruel), one is inherently temporary (I think you should try living somewhere else for a bit, even two hours down the road, while you’re still in your teens and early twenties).

Totally devastated but would encourage them to follow their dreams. I've never really travelled as much as I should have done before we had kids & it's something I should have done x

As kids we discussed all sorts with our parents, and it was all part of the loving, close, wisdom-imparting environment we were raised in.

Dowager, I think we have similar families. No emotional guilt tripping or pressure, but we can discuss issues and options and liars and minuses without it descending into that. I’m in my forties and we all still have those sorts of discussions. We also like to solve the world’s problems.

Actually, we’ve always discussed things in my family.
But my mum NEVER said what she thought about my wish to move, relationship etc.. that was on purpose. She thought (and think) that her role was to support me wo weighing me down with she thought (probably even more because she knew she could be anxious and didn’t want me to worry or feel guilty etc... but just live my life to the full the way I wanted).

So just as much as I am expressing to my dcs that going out of the insularity of our little town is good and I wish they will not be afraid to donthat if so wish, I will not be trying to influence their choice once they reach that decision time.

I think the problem lies when there is a clash of ideology. I certainly don't hold with the view it would help you be more fulfilled or would cause you to have less regret. But I do think it's up to the individual - taking everything that is important to them into account.

My dHs parents somehow felt that it was affecting my DHs work by our refusal to look at living abroad. Even if it was, which it wasn't, it was nobodies business than ours.

My youngest son has already lived in Australia for 2 years - he's back just now just getting some professional qualifications and will be heading back thIs year for good. Of course I'm sad about it but I would always always encourage him to follow his dream. He talks about earning enough money that he will be able to send tickets for his dad and I to visit (we can afford our own tickets 😍) but that was very nice to hear. His dad hasn't been too well this last year and he has more than once mentioned that he might have to change his long term plans. We have both said that under no circumstances should he do this.

But yes lots of discussions going in here too (both ways, me with my parents and me with my own dcs as well as my dcs with my parents actually)

It certainly sounds like it Jassy - your Dad sounds great!

So just as much as I am expressing to my dcs that going out of the insularity of our little town is good and I wish they will not be afraid to donthat if so wish, I will not be trying to influence their choice once they reach that decision time.

That seems like a good approach. For me, I’ll be trying to do the opposite - instil the idea that they should get out of London, at least for a while...

So much of this is about what you are used to. If your entire family lives in the same place and you are forever popping round to one another’s houses, you all marry local people then it seems like a massive step to even move to the next town. Others can be spread all over country or even abroad and still feel close. For me it’s psychological - I live in France, but still feel close to my family because I know I can hop on a Eurostar if I want to go back for weekend. I don’t go back that much - it’s the knowing I can that makes all the difference for everyone. When I was a child my grandparents lived 45 minutes away and I saw them quite frequently, but wasn’t particularly close to them because we never spent that long there - usually an afternoon. My own children are (or were as some are now no longer with us) incredibly close the their grandparents because they would come and stay for a week or more or we would spend the summer with them - the distance is greater, but the relationship is closer. It’s not about distance - it’s about how much quality time you can spend together. That’s my problem with Australia - the cost of flights for all of us, the timing of holidays, the length of the flight and the difficulty in getting health insurance as you get older and frailer are all factors. The fact is, if your kids move to Australia you won’t be seeing much of them and that would make me sad.