To ask how you would feel if your adult child decided to emigrate to Oz or NZ

[CaraBosse1]

Be honest and don't say you'd be "cool" about it if you wouldn't really

Say we accept the completely UK-centric premise that there is no need to ever leave British shores because it's the centre of the universe, that literally everything a person could need for an optimal life is right here, etc. This is conveniently consistent with the further premise that anybody thinking of emigration is selfish, cruel, destroying relationships and above all for no gain whatsoever ("running away and not to").

How about people who move to the UK, because it is the centre of the universe, literally everything a person could need for an optimal life is right here, etc? Arguably they are "running to" so is that OK, or is that outweighed by the horror of violently destroying their birth family?

I would die inside.

jassy
It's an interesting thought your dad had.
I did indeed go and live and work on another continent when I was younger. On my own. However I very quickly realised that it was not fir me, at all, and indeed the older I have grown my thoughts reflect the experiences I had. In fact I now wish that we lived even closer to parents, not least because they would be prepared to help with childcare and have said so, without which working for me has been difficult. I certainly haven't met my potential in the workplace and that does make me a little sad.

I did indeed go and live and work on another continent when I was younger. On my own. However I very quickly realised that it was not fir me, at all, and indeed the older I have grown my thoughts reflect the experiences I had.

Yes, it was strong advice and an approach that sounds like it served both you and me well, with different end points, in determining our priorities for personal happiness and fulfilment.

In fact I now wish that we lived even closer to parents, not least because they would be prepared to help with childcare and have said so, without which working for me has been difficult.

Yes, logistical challenges of life without (willing, able) family nearby are not insignificant. We have put a lot of effort into building friend networks eg so that DS1 had somewhere secure and familiar he could go when DS2 was born, or to pick up kids in an emergency. Not the easiest, and doubly so when I know my parents would move heaven and earth to help us if they could.

He said because it would be too easy to never leave - local job, local friends. He said we had to ‘experience living somewhere else, and probably somewhere bigger, to get a different perspective on the world and what if offers you. It’s hard to know who you were and person you could be unless you’d experienced other places, and started out on your own and had to meet people and make new friends and find new jobs, and work out who’s worth knowing and who’s, not just being friends because you knew them at school. You won’t know who you really are and what you can do, and who you might want to be, until you’ve done that. If after that you want to come back and live here that’s fine by me, you know I love and support you. But I don’t want you to settle for a life here when you might have a better life somewhere else, even though the early years will probably be tough.’

Having emigrated, I would agree with this to a large extent. But you really do trade off a lot if you stay away.

Years ago I was in a restaurant in my home town with my mother. She had lived away for a few years when she was just married but then moved back and essentially lived all her life in the same town. She ran into 2 women - in their late 70s like her. Turns out they were friends of her sister from their youth. She hadn't bumped into them for decades. The 3 of them started giggling about a night when they were all playing with an ouija board together in their teens - it was very sweet to watch - made me see my mum as a 17 year old. It struck me that my mother lived a very integrated life - all the bits of her past co-existed along with her present - friends, places, old boyfriends, memories. It isn't the only way to live but it isn't a bad way to live either.

I'm not sure it's good advice though.
IT was slightly detrimental in fulfilling my ambitions and I'm not sure id give the same advice to my children.

All these advantages being thrown up only hold true if you stay in your home town. You lose all of that just by moving 100 miles away... Or 50 miles even...

IT was slightly detrimental in fulfilling my ambitions

How? I’m honestly interested. From what you have described it sounds like the experience was important in cementing your priorities.

I moved abroad - but only France. My parents were fine as they were immigrants from another continent, so they didn't bat an eyelid.
I go back to the UK regularly (monthly) but am self employed and DC are in shared custody so is feasible.
People would have a very pressing reason to move overseas, especially somewhere as far as Oz / NZ.
If my DC moved outside Europe, I would be devastated. However a couple of hours flight is manageable. No worse than living in a big town in the same country (a drive away)

It happened the other way round for me, as a parent emigrated for work. I can't say it was easy, but I loved the fact that they had so much zest for new adventures. We spent a lot of holidays meeting halfway! And the rest of the time talking, emailing and having a clock set to the other one's time zone.

Ive come to realise that women in my line of work tend to have had parental support to manage childcare in order to do on calls, nights, thus leading to promotion. Even a standard day is not feasible using a nursery or after school childcare, particularly with a husband who is not always available to help.
i manage a little work, and they help at pinch points but I would have been able to apply for opportunities with more secure childcare arrangements. I don't earn enough for a nanny.

Even if that IS true - that you know all these people - (and I doubt it!) they really can't think much of their family, or their own country.
Wow just wow...

Do you really think that???

There are so many reasons to leave.
One of the things I really enjoy moving to another place is the discovery of other ways of living an looking at the world. It’s the opening of my mind to others. Other people, other ways of thinking, other culture. It doesn’t mean I don’t like my original culture or my family! Because loving your family or country/culture doesn’t stop you from also enjoying other cultures and countries, other people etc... just like when you have one child, it doesn’t stop you loving the second one you have.

People would have a very pressing reason to move overseas, especially somewhere as far as Oz / NZ.

My parents reasons to move overseas (not Oz but that area) was to be able to experience something different. They wanted to move, See the world, have other experiences and grab opportunities with both those hands. Before moving to that place (with me as a child), they were supposed to go to Madagascar but didn’t as they took their indépendance at that time and they thought it was too unsettled then.

When I moved (back to Europe so again the other side of the world for them), it was for my studies. There was more opportunities to do what I really wanted. And then I moved again to the U.K. I hadn’t even planned to come here!

So moving doesn’t have to be from a ‘lesser country’ to the U.K. or a more developed countries. I think some people have a sense of adventure that others might not share. I know I see the world as my ‘playground’, full of opportunities waiting to be grabbed. Maybe because it has been. My experience as a child where I haven’t felt myself restricted my borders.

As a serial expat (family spread everywhere) I would say that moving great distances only splits families up emotionally if there were not strong bonds to begins with. MIL thinks her children would be in her pocket if they all lived in the same city or country - she mistakes the distance for the lack of emotional closeness which would be present even if her kids lived round the corner.

If my children choose to follow in my footsteps I will of course miss them terribly BUT I will try my damnedest to offer support and encouragement, AND visits and active engagement in their life.

Some people don't want to move away from family and that is fine of course. But others want to move for partners, work, study, realising their full potential. And that is wonderful too.

As a serial expat (family spread everywhere) I would say that moving great distances only splits families up emotionally if there were not strong bonds to begins with. MIL thinks her children would be in her pocket if they all lived in the same city or country - she mistakes the distance for the lack of emotional closeness which would be present even if her kids lived round the corner.

If my children choose to follow in my footsteps I will of course miss them terribly BUT I will try my damnedest to offer support and encouragement, AND visits and active engagement in their life.

Some people don't want to move away from family and that is fine of course. But others want to move for partners, work, study, realising their full potential. And that is wonderful too.

Sorry for the double post

Jassey - your dad sounds awfully controlling. I've lived abroad and now live a couple of hours from where I grew up. My sister has lived her whole life in the town where she was born. She's a perfectly good judge of character and has an interesting and content life involving people she's known from school and others she's met in the decades since she left. Most people don't need to go to the other side of the world to find out who they are.

I think there is an assumption that people who move about become facinating interesting people. They don't. I spent a lot of time setting up stuff I already had organised in the previous place. IT got very wearing. People can be adventurous in different facets of life as well. Some people do different jobs.

Jassey - your dad sounds awfully controlling.

Funny how differently people interpret things - I got the exact opposite of 'controlling'!

My Dad said similar to us - encouraged us to move away to university, and said how our family has a history of marrying and settling late - your 20s are your time to go off, explore, be responsibility free and have fun.

Unfortunately, parental pressure works both ways. Suggesting that it's how our family do things is just as stifling than crying if they emigrate!

Certainly my DHs parents really couldn't understand why we didn't move abroad after we married. There was some heated arguments where they were trying to encourage it!

Actually I’m saying the same thing to my dcs than Jassey’s dad told her.

Not controlling at all imo. At tbh children learn a lot from what they see their parents doing. Seeing their own parents/grand parents/aunt and uncle moving away is often all what they need to be happy to just emigrate themsleves. Because it’s their normal.

Yes Head. It does work both ways.
Which is why it’s not appropriate to say that one should emmigrate anymore that’s it’s not ok for someone to emmigrate because they will leave their parents behind and it’s cruel (or whatever other reason that hasn’t been given on this thread).

Funnily enough, I didn't find being told to go off, live life and have fun 'stifling'.

I would hate it, more because I would miss my grandchildren. There is a chance my ds and his family could go to South Africa but I just hope they don't.
I would never make a fuss if they did though... (Just die of a broken heart )

My son went for 3 years and I honestly think he will go back for good when he is in a position too, I was fine with it, he phoned me regularly, I wouldn't put hurdles in his way if he wanted to go back. He's my only child.