To ask how you would feel if your adult child decided to emigrate to Oz or NZ

[CaraBosse1]

Be honest and don't say you'd be "cool" about it if you wouldn't really

Elemental When I met my now DH who is Australian, there WAS indeed that moment.

We'd dated once or twice and I thought "Do I want to continue...I'm 28 and this man is not from England"

And I decided that yes, I DID want to continue.

I decided then.

And hey ho, I find myself living somewhere that on balance, I’d rather not because I followed my heart, married the person I loved and was willing to make the sacrifice for him (and ironically enough for his family). I know if I asked him to move to my country, seriously, he would, because he feels the same about me. Our relationship wouldn’t be tenable otherwise. Neither of us is into absolutes or ultimatums.

That said, I don’t know whether it would have been different had we not been able to afford regular trips back. However, the reality is that many in my sort of situation wouldn’t have been here in the first place unless we had the ability to earn and save enough to travel in the first place.

It’s worth it for me, to have found fulfilment and happiness, to have my excellent and irreplaceable children. Just different preferences and values, and yes it’s partly down to culture and the way I was brought up, I think.

What's the cut off point for prospective partners? England? The UK? Some parts of Scotland are quite a long drive...

I actually did marry someone from virtually the next door suburb to where I grew up. But that was "luck" I suppose.

My MIL has a much more involved relationship with her DCs who live overseas (holidays spent together, chats via FaceTime etc) than my own parents have with my DS, though they live a 10 minute drive away. You get out what you put in, and distance isn't the determining factor by any stretch.

I don't know what stats you're reading but right now unemployment levels are the lowest they have been since 1975

Many jobs are low paid, zero hours contracts, long hours, London-centric, public sector with no pay rise for years.

Housing unaffordable for many. Difficulty getting into a good school. These are the things I'd like addressing.

I think the other end of the UK would have been manageable for me and I did indeed spend the first 20 years of my adult life, including having young children, 300 miles from the rest of my family. We made an effort to visit each other every school holiday though and stay for a good while. Now my own parents are older they actually moved nearer to me as i do think it would have been very difficult to continue to be so far away. I certainly missed the support they could have offered with the children etc as I felt very alone.

I think Jassy is right to say that decision making processes are different depending on your earnings etc as well as your actual family vibe. I know that I would never have had the cash or the free time to manage visits abroad.

I had a chance to move abroad and I didn't because I felt sad for my dad.
My sister had already moved abroad when I was young.

My life has been spent waiting for my dad to pass so I can finally move abroad without any guilt feelings. However I do at times resent that the only reason I am here is for him, and he knows I have no plans for my future here.

I hope my ds does not spend his life in the same way, it's his life and wherever he wants to live is fine by me, I would be far more upset finding out he was just waiting for me to die before he lived his life.

You get out what you put in, and distance isn't the determining factor by any stretch.

This is very much my experience.

You get out what you put in, and distance isn't the determining factor by any stretch.

This is definitely the case for me too.

What absolute melodramatic nonsense is being posted by some on this thread. If you're genuinely close to your children the family will not be torn apart, you'll be able to live each other from any distance.

Most of the arguments about closeness seem to confuse close relationships with proximity.

The idea of cousins being best friends sounds like a clostrophobic relationship of convenience to me, and only applies if you insist on the entire extended family living within a couple of miles of one another.

Not only can nobody marry anyone from another country, presumably nobody should marry anyone from a different county - otherwise one or other of the couple will break their mother's heart because their children won't be best friends with their siblings' children and they won't go "home"to mum for their tea every Wednesday

Of course being uninsurable for travel purposes makes it very difficult to cross the divide...

“Ruling out foreign nationals” when it comes to dating and relationships lest they tear your family apart and take you away from your mother.....now I’ve heard it all 😂

“Ruling out foreign nationals” when it comes to dating and relationships lest they tear your family apart and take you away from your mother.....now I’ve heard it all

Different values I guess? Not wanting to run even a small risk that having a foreign partner might lead to living abroad someday?

Again, I’m glad they’re not values I share, but apparently it’s insulting to say that.

Jassy did you also "rule out" Scottish people if you're Welsh or English (or English or Welsh if you're Scottish), northerners if you're from the south of England? Did you "rule out" anyone who's parents lived more than an hour's drive of your parents? Or anyone not from the town you grew up in?

Oops sorry - I think you're quoting someone else Jassy so question should be addressed to them! Sorry!

No worries! I’m an Aussie married to an English bloke, otherwise known to some on here as ‘the antichrist’, I suspect, for risking ‘tearing apart’ two families by being selfish enough to marry an excellent man who makes me very happy and have two children who are cherished by their grandparents....

Spoilt for choice when it comes to husbands makes me think of Jane Austen heiresses having suitors lined up, or a princess and heir to her father's kingdom who has lots of princes asking her father for her hand, and is allowed to choose (just by looking at them from behind a curtain, or perhaps they compete for her in a joust or something). Obviously she's really in love with the stable boy, but can't marry him as it would tear her family apart and break her mother's heart and so on...

An infesting thing I've noticed, I don't know if it's a trend or just local to me is the number of 'older' people moving to Oz or NZ and leaving their adult kids .
We've had some redundancies in our LA I know two workers, one a social worker and the other a mental health worker that are now working in Queensland with the indigenous population. One has left her only child ( in their 20s) behind and the other has marked a woman from Oz and has left 2 kids behind one has children.

My brother in law emigrated to New Zealand and two of his kids went with him and their step mum and one stayed in the uk.
Other aquantances I know ( but not as well as my former colleagues) have moved to Toronto, Detroit and one has gone to Brazil. Again leaving adult children 'behind'

I said earlier on that my DS is hoping to go to OZ. I really hope he gets there. He/ I have family there that are willing to sponsor him. He may love it or he may hate the reality but he has to give it a go. He will hopefully live a lot longer than I have left. I do not want him putting his hopes and dreams on hold thinking he has to look asfter an elderly ailing parent. I love the bones of him, that's why I want him to give it ago.

On the other hand I would have not been happy living abroad -although I did , sadly can no longer, love to travel. So why wouldn't I look for someone who shared that choice?
IT is an individual preference - you do what makes you happy. But it wouldn't have worked for me.

away
Some people rule out people who have ginger hair, or children. You are allowed preferences.
Likewise if I had been keen on emigrating, it would have been foolish to partner someone who was not interested.

Reflecting on this thread has reminded me of something my dad said to each of his kids when we were teenagers.

He was adamant that we had to experience living somewhere else for a good period before we put down roots. So he didn’t want any of us going to the local university, because

Lots of typos on my last post. Sorry!
It looked fine on my phone when i read it with no glasses on!

Many jobs are low paid, zero hours contracts, 8ong hours, London-centric, public sector with no pay rise for years
Housing unaffordable for many. Difficulty getting into a good school. These are the things I'd like addressing

Actually........ The last few years have been good for UK living standards. Employment growth, which began in 2012, has continued, earnings growth has returned and inflation has been near zero for much of the period. The result is that households have experienced rising incomes.

Ref - Living Standards 2017
The past, present and possible future of UK incomes
Adam Corlett and Stephen Clarke
February 2017

www.resolutionfoundation.org/app/uploads/2017/01/Audit-2017.pdf

Bloody fingers!

He said because it would be too easy to never leave - local job, local friends. He said we had to ‘experience living somewhere else, and probably somewhere bigger, to get a different perspective on the world and what if offers you. It’s hard to know who you were and person you could be unless you’d experienced other places, and started out on your own and had to meet people and make new friends and find new jobs, and work out who’s worth knowing and who’s, not just being friends because you knew them at school. You won’t know who you really are and what you can do, and who you might want to be, until you’ve done that. If after that you want to come back and live here that’s fine by me, you know I love and support you. But I don’t want you to settle for a life here when you might have a better life somewhere else, even though the early years will probably be tough.’

I really, really appreciated that, and appreciate it more as I get older. I will do the same for my kids.

Wibbly- I'll read your link later but my assertion

Many jobs are low paid, zero hours contracts, long hours, London-centric, public sector with no pay rise for years. Housing unaffordable for many. Difficulty getting into a good school. These are the things I'd like addressing

stands. I'm not denigrating the UK; my family are doing well and I have no desire to live anywhere else. However, austerity has had a severe impact on millions of people and I'd like to see that redressed.

I want to know if these rising employment figures are counting all those on zero hours contracts with no qualifications?

People in shit caring jobs etc with no rights.